Alone
Sequel/Series: no
Pairing: CLex
Rating: PG
Category: angst
Archive: list archive
Notes: sorry, not sure where this came from it was supposed to be nice
Warnings: not really
Disclaimer: not mine
Summary: Lex is alone
Lex was already drunk when he got the phone call, which made the ordinarily unpleasant experience that much worse, even without his father’s parting shot.
‘You can’t be alone forever, Lex, you need a wife and an heir.’
Alone. Therein lay the problem. Lex was alone and he was always going to be alone. He had no family, after all Lionel didn’t count. One friend. That was it, that was everybody in the world who gave a damn about him. About *Lex*.
The one person who Lex knew he was going to love for the rest of his life. Which was why he was going to be alone. How could he tell a seventeen year old that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with him? Even in the unlikely event that Clark could ever like him, that was too much to lay on a young man. Too much risk.
Lex took the bottle of brandy with him to his sitting room and curled up on the couch in front of the fire.
Winter somehow made it worse. Everyone was so cheerful with the approach of Christmas, but the holiday just held memories of loneliness for Lex. Huge parties full of leeches and hangers on and nights hiding in the cloakroom just to get away, that’s all Christmas meant to him.
Lex didn’t even realise he was crying until the taste of salt combined with the sharp, burning heat of the brandy. But Lex didn’t care anymore, he was alone right now, as usual. No one to see him give in to his emotions, no one to care.
The tears flowed until his eyes hurt and his breath began to hitch. It had been a long time since he’d really cried, and it took over Lex’s body inexorably. He put down his brandy and pulled a cushion into his arms, burying his face in it as he started to sob.
“Lex?”
Shit. Lex almost laughed. His farmboy had perfect timing as always. Sniffing and wiping at his face quickly, Lex tried to control himself enough to look up at his best friend.
“Hi, Clark,” he said, wincing at the wavering quality of his voice.
Clark stared at him, wide eyed with concern. “Lex, what’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” Lex shook his head, “Just indulging in a moment of stupidity.”
Clark frowned and walked over to the couch, “Don’t say that, being upset about something isn’t stupid.”
“Oh, it is in my case,” Lex sighed. There was no way to explain this to Clark. “Listen, Clark, I’m not the best company right now…”
“Lex,” Clark interrupted him, “Come on, don’t tell me to go, you shouldn’t be alone like this.”
Lex did laugh this time, hysterically, until the tears started to flow again.
“Lex?” Clark said worriedly, sitting down and putting a hand on his shoulder.
Lex didn’t quite flinch away, but it was enough to make him regret the look of hurt on Clark’s face.
“I’m always alone, Clark,” he whispered, “I’ll always be alone.”
Those beautiful, big green eyes filled with sadness and confusion. “I’m always here for you, Lex, you don’t have to be alone when I’m around.”
Lex laughed quietly, breath hitching. “In some ways I’m most alone when I’m with you,” he whispered.
“What?” Clark gasped, “Lex, why?”
Lex shook his head and pulled away, “You wouldn’t understand, Clark.”
“I might,” Clark said quietly, “I know a lot about loneliness.”
Frowning, Lex turned to face his friend again. He didn’t like the thought of Clark feeling lonely at all. “What do you mean? You’ve got family and friends who love you.”
“No one who really understands what it’s like to be me, Lex,” Clark whispered, “No one who can.”
“Clark, I…” Lex stopped, unsure of what to say when his own pain was reflected in his friend’s eyes. “I could if you trusted me,” he said quietly.
Clark’s eyes closed and he shook his head, “I trust you. But if you want to talk loneliness, I would be completely alone if I lost you.”
“You wouldn’t lose me, Clark,” Lex whispered, touched by the younger boy’s words.
“And you wouldn’t lose me if you would trust *me*,” Clark replied, opening his eyes to stare at Lex seriously. “Tell me, Lex, tell me why you feel alone with me.”
“Clark,” Lex started, shaking his head again. Fingers reached out to cup his face, a touch so gentle it belied the strength Lex knew existed in those warm hands.
“Please,” Clark begged quietly.
“I don’t know what you want from me, Clark,” Lex exclaimed. Fear of losing his friend battled with the urge to confess everything and hope for the best. Tears pricked at his eyes again.
“Do you really want to hear that what I feel for you goes beyond the bounds of propriety, of friendship?” He looked away as his chest tightened in a way he hadn’t experienced since he’d been asthmatic.
“Yes,” Clark whispered, “I want to hear you confirm what I suspect before I lay my heart and life on the line for you.”
Lex gasped and looked back up. “Wh-what?” he stuttered.
“Say it, Lex. I want to hear it… I need to hear it,” Clark whispered, eyes sad and desperate.
“But Clark…” Lex started again, worried that he was getting this all wrong, terrified that he’d say the wrong thing.
“Tell me you love me!” Clark pleaded hoarsely.
Lex could see the tears starting, his friend’s green eyes shining; yet still he hesitated. How could he? How could he tell Clark that he loved him? His best friend was still only seventeen; the risk of losing him in a few years time once he found someone new, someone worthy, was too much heartbreak to risk.
“I can’t,” he whispered, “Clark, I can’t. If we’re just friends, I can have you in my life forever, don’t you see that? At least I’ll never be completely alone.”
Clark’s eyes squeezed shut, one solitary tear escaping to trickle down his cheek. “Maybe not, Lex, but neither of us will ever be completely happy either.” Clark opened tear filled eyes and gathered Lex into his arms.
Lex stiffened for a moment before giving in and relaxing into the younger man’s warm embrace, allowing himself this one indulgence.
“I’ll always be your friend, Lex,” Clark whispered, “And I’ll always…”
“No,” Lex said hurriedly, “Don’t say it, please.” He wouldn’t be able to take it if he actually heard the words.
Swallowing audibly, Clark nodded. Before Lex could do anything, Clark leaned forward, capturing his lips in a soft, sweet, gentle kiss that made his heart stutter, his breath catch in his chest and his eyes sting with more tears.
“Clark,” Lex croaked.
“Don’t,” Clark whispered, “I’m not sorry. Just let me stay a bit longer, I want to be here for you. Friends, remember?” He smiled sadly.
“Yeah,” Lex breathed, swallowing against the lump in his throat, “Friends.”
He didn’t object when Clark pulled him closer, and with a quiet sigh, Lex lay his head on his friend’s shoulder as they sat together quietly, staring into the fire.
end
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