Seeking Asylum
Category: episode related, angsty
Pairing: CLex
Rating: PG
Notes: set immediately after ASYLUM
Warnings: none, general spoilers
Summary: Clark needs to make amends
He couldn't take it any more. Seeing his friends just made him feel so guilty, a constant itching pain in his nerves like mice nibbling on electric wires. He'd hurt them all, Lana, Pete, Chloe... but the worst was Lex.
Seeing Lex at the asylum had been hard both times, but being too late to stop the electroshock therapy had nearly killed him.
Clark railed against his parents' constrictions, wanted to hit his father when he tried to make it sound like it was better this way. Lex had been drugged, beaten and electrocuted, how was that better?
Even though Lex must have hated him for betraying him, he'd still tried to defend Clark against Ian, still claimed him as a friend.
Clark had never hurt so much or been so disappointed as when he went to visit Lex, only to find his old friend with no memory of what his father had done to him, and no memory of Clark, the real Clark. Yet still, the old habit, the old fear, had prevented him from speaking, even as he felt his heart might break when Lex hugged him.
After seeing Lana at the Talon, it had all become clear to him. He had to stay away from Lana, Pete and Chloe in the hopes of keeping them safer, but could he stay away from Lex? Could he keep lying to Lex?
The trouble was, he put Lex in just as much danger as his other friends, but Clark... needed him. His mother had told him to look after his heart and to do that, he needed Lex. Was that too selfish?
Somehow, he knew, somehow Clark was absolutely certain that he should tell Lex, that Lex was strong enough for this.
@>*~
Lex hadn't thought the day would ever come. He was at home, the torture was over, he almost felt as happy as he'd pretended he was to Clark. And he'd meant every word. Clark's friendship was more than important to him, despite the secrets and lies that tore at his heart every time. It hurt, it did, and it did matter, but Lex simply didn't care any more. Clark was more important than anything, he always had been.
Clark's phonecall had been mysterious, but Lex was certain he understood it. He certainly understood the need for ambiguity, secrecy; Lex wasn't so naive as to believe his father wasn't having him followed and watched.
So, at three o'clock in the morning, Lex slipped out of the mansion, checking constantly that he wasn't being followed. When he got to the bridge, Lex looked round again and slid down to the bank. "Clark," he whispered.
Suddenly, he was in motion, wind whistling in his ears and over his skin, taking his breath away. It took a moment for him to reorient himself when he came to a stop, but the warm, strong body supporting him helped.
"Sorry," Clark whispered, "I had to be sure we were alone."
"I understand," Lex said quietly, "You have something to tell me, I presume, Clark."
Clark hung his head, staring down at his shoes for a moment. Then he spoke, slowly, painfully, telling Lex everything, every secret, every lie, exactly what his father had done to him. He just couldn't bear to look at Lex while he told him.
Smiling slowly, wider with every minute that passed, Lex waited for Clark to finish. His young friend stopped finally, not looking up, kicking nervously at the ground. Lex reached out slowly and touched Clark's shoulder, almost jumping when Clark's head snapped up, green eyes fixing hopefully on his face.
"I know," Lex said quietly.
Clark blinked widely in shock. "Wh-what?"
"I know, Clark," Lex repeated gently.
"But, but how?" Clark gasped uncomprehendingly, "I was too late to save you Lex, they..." His gut clenched with nausea at the memory of seeing Lex strapped down, trembling, barely conscious. "They hurt you."
"I think Dr. Foster must have somehow sabotaged the machine," Lex said with a mild shrug. It was the only conclusion he'd come up with, "I didn't lose my memories."
"Why didn't you..." Clark shook his head. "When I saw you at the castle, I..."
Lex snorted. "I guess I wanted to see if you'd tell me." Clark opened his mouth and Lex shook his head. "I don't mind, Clark, besides the whole place is bugged."
"You don't mind?" Clark gasped, staring at Lex in confusion, "But I lied to you, again."
"By omission I suppose, Clark, strictly speaking you didn't actually lie this time." Lex squeezed Clark's shoulder against the flinch, "I told you, I didn't mind, Clark, in some ways it would be better if I didn't know."
"But," Clark started, "But I want you to know everything." He sighed, "I know it's selfish, but you're the only one who's strong enough to know everything, the only one I need to know everything.
Lex contemplated his friend in slight confusion and maybe a touch of shock. "You need me to know?"
"You're the one person in my life that I can't let go of, Lex," Clark whispered.
Lex frowned, "Why?"
"Because, after everything that's happened, it's the thought of losing you that tears me to pieces. I lost Lana and that hurt, it hurt a lot, but not like the thought of losing you. Not like seeing you strapped to that table." Clark had to stop, his voice breaking. He turned away, blinking rapidly to clear his swimming eyes.
Lex stepped right up to Clark, inhaling his scent subtly to be certain he was really there. "Are you sure about this?" he asked quietly.
"I'm sure that you mean more to me than anyone else in my life, Lex. I know I love you, I just don't know what that means." Clark looked back at Lex pleadingly, willing him to understand, because he'd honestly never contemplated the sheer depth of his feelings for Lex before and it scared him, confused him.
Wrapping an arm round Clark, Lex puled him closer, resting his forehead against a broad shoulder. He felt warm, whole and somehow, almost happy, and yes, he understood. It had taken him a year to come to terms with the fact that he felt more for his best friend than anyone else in the world and deal with the fact that he was no longer certain of his sexuality.
"Clark, it's okay, it doesn't have to mean anything more than that," Lex whispered, "Take your time over this. Just know I'm here for you, so if you need to talk, please promise me that you'll come to me."
"I promise," Clark whispered, resting his forehead against Lex's shoulder to mirror his friend's posture. "Why do you always forgive me? How do you always know what to say?"
"Because I love you," Lex smiled quietly, "And I don't, I just hope it's the right thing to say."
Clark finally slipped an arm round Lex and pulled him close, tighter than their hug the previous day. Lex loved him too, that went a long way towards easing the pain and the confusion. "Thank you," he breathed.
Lex lifted his head, waiting for Clark to meet his eyes, then smiled. "You're more than welcome," he whispered. Leaning forward, Lex placed a gentle kiss on Clark's forehead. "We should go back, before anyone gets too suspicious, okay?"
"Yeah," Clark said reluctantly, "I'll run you back to the castle."
"Can you do it so you can't be seen, by cameras especially?" Lex asked quickly.
"Yes, don't worry," Clark assured him.
Lex sighed. "I always worry, Clark."
"Me too," Clark whispered. "Do you think it'll be all right, one day?"
"I'm sure of it, Clark," Lex replied with certainty, "I've always been sure of you and me."
Clark smiled. With Lex by his side, maybe he could find the strength to make it.
end
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