Haunted 2

After a quiet afternoon and Ville had cooked dinner, Bam and Ville went out into the garden and sat in the middle of the heartagram. The garden was just as beautiful in the dark and Bam lay back on the grass next to his boyfriend with a sigh of satisfaction.

“Ever considered getting a TV?”

Ville rolled onto his side. “Why?”

“I don't know, it's fun.”

“I read though.”

“All the time?”

“Well, not when I'm working or writing of course.”

“What do you write?” Bam hadn't asked since Ville had caught him about to look in his notebook.

Ville turned onto his back again. “Songs mostly.”

Even though Ville wasn't looking at him, Bam knew it was a huge thing for his boyfriend to tell him and Bam turned onto his side, feeling a surge of proud happiness. “You write songs?”

“Yeah.”

“Like the one you sang to your mother at the hospital?” Bam stroked Ville's hair back.

“Yeah.” Ville sighed quietly and finally looked at him. “It was one of the first times since... since my father.”

“Did you sing a lot before that?”

“Sang, played. I was in a band until I was sixteen and we moved from Helsinki to Oulu.”

“You were in a band?” Bam sat up in excitement. “God, that's so awesome.”

Ville almost smiled. “We thought so.”

“Didn't you keep in touch with them?”

Expression saddening, Ville shook his head. “Mikko and Linde tried for a while. We'd been best friends since we were kids. But after everything... I just...”

“Hid?” Bam stared sorrowfully at his boyfriend.

“Retreated.” Ville's eyes slid closed. “From everything.”

“Sounds like you miss it.” Bam lay back down on his side and put his head on Ville's shoulder.

“Yeah, I do. I miss them.” Ville sighed again and absentmindedly carded his fingers through Bam's hair.

“Well you know, you have the internet now, Ville.” Bam snuggled closer. “They're just a mouse click away.” Ville was quiet for such a long time that Bam started to move because he was worried. But the older boy held tightly onto him.

“Do you really think so?” There was so much uncertainty and insecurity in his voice that it nearly broke Bam's heart.

“Yeah I do.” Bam kissed Ville's neck gently. “I bet they missed you too.” He suppressed a slight twinge of jealousy, annoyed with his selfishness. He liked having Ville all to himself, but it wasn't fair on his boyfriend to keep him as isolated as he'd kept himself.

“You think?”

“How could they not?”

Ville snorted and poked him gently. “Flatterer.”

“Does flattery get me anywhere?” Bam looked up at Ville and winked.

Ville laughed and dropped his head back onto the ground. “No.”

“Aw.” Bam started to pout.

“The fact that I love you gets you everywhere.”

“Right now,” Bam stifled a yawn, “I'd settle for cuddling up in bed with you.”

“Settle?” Ville asked archly.

“Well, I think I may actually be too tired to try anything on with you, so yeah.” Bam propped himself up on one elbow and grinned down at his lover.

“You'd better call your mother then.”

“I guess.” Bam forced himself to his feet with a quiet groan. He still felt a little stiff and sore from his injuries.

“I'll follow you inside, in a bit.”

“Okay.” Bam hopped over the flowerbeds and went back into the house to call home.

“Ape?”

“Hi honey. Did everything go okay?”

“Yeah, he loved the orchid.”

“Oh good.”

“Yeah, I'm gonna stay over if that's okay.”

“Of course it is. Don't forget school tomorrow though.”

Bam sighed. “I won't. Night Ape.”

“Goodnight, Bam, I love you.”

“Yeah yeah, me too.” Bam quickly put the phone down. He walked to the back door and leaned against the frame, watching Ville in the garden. He sat in a pool of moonlight, face turned up to the sky. It made his skin pure white and his eyes disappear into blackness. Bam felt a shiver travel down his spine. Ville looked ethereal, other-worldly... more beautiful than ever.

He didn't want to disturb his lover, but it was getting chilly and Ville was wearing even less than he was.

“Baby? Come inside.”

Ville nodded and slowly got to his feet, heading for the kitchen door. He stopped in front of Bam and frowned.

“What?”

“You were watching me again.”

“Yeah, so?”

“For a long time.”

“I told you Ville, I watch you because I love you.” Bam smiled at Ville's embarrassed expression. “I presume, the same reason why you watch me when you think I don't see.” Ville's eyes widened and he flushed dark pink. He nodded and Bam grinned. “Let's go to bed.”

“Yeah.”

They walked up the stairs in silence, got ready for bed side by side, only separating to use the toilet. Bam stripped to his boxers and climbed into bed to wait for his boyfriend. Ville came out of the bathroom a moment later.

“Are you uh,” Bam cleared his throat. “Sleeping naked?”

“Well, I don't know,” Ville smirked at him, “Will you ravish me if I do?”

“I might be tempted.”

“Such a difficult decision to make.” Bam pouted and batted his eyelashes. “Oh stop Bam. I thought you were too tired to do anything but cuddle.”

“There's always later though.”

Ville stripped to his underwear and got into bed. “Then we'll deal with it later.”

Bam grunted and curled up close to his boyfriend. “Fine.”

Chuckling, Ville slipped an arm round his waist and kissed him. “Goodnight.”

“Night, Ville.”

@>*~

When Bam woke, sun was streaming into the room and he kept his eyes shut as he reached out a hand.

With a frown, he squinted his eyes open to confirm what he'd felt; an empty bed. It was disconcerting after the last time they'd spent the night together and Bam quickly rolled out of bed, a little worried that he'd managed to somehow upset Ville again.

He was pulling on his jeans when he spotted movement in the garden out of the corner of his eye. Bam looked out of the window as he buttoned up his pants and grinned. He should have known Ville would be in the garden.

It was early but that was good, it meant he had more time with his boyfriend before he had to go to school. Ville glanced up at the window and smiled at him. Bam opened the window and leaned out.

“Morning baby.”

“Hyvää huomenta.”

“How long have you been up?”

“About an hour.”

“Why didn't you get me up too?”

Ville smiled and shook his head. “You needed sleep, you're still recovering you know.”

“I'd have preferred waking up with you.”

“We'll have plenty of opportunities, sweetheart.”

Feeling himself flush at the endearment, Bam nodded, consoling himself with the memory of waking up during the night and pulling Ville into his arms. The older boy had murmured quietly and put his head on Bam's shoulder, falling asleep again.

Closing the window, Bam hurriedly finished getting dressed. After a quick side trip to the bathroom, Bam headed downstairs and out to the garden. He swept Ville into his arms kissing him before he could say a word.

Chuckling into his mouth, Ville wrapped his arms round Bam's neck and kissed back, gently sucking on his bottom lip. It was a great way to start the day and Bam grinned against his lover's lips. He slid his hands down to Ville's ass, pulling him closer. Ville gasped quietly and lifted his head.

“Hey.”

“What?” Bam smirked.

“Cheeky.”

“You're surprised?”

Ville started to laugh. “No.” He kissed Bam again and pulled away completely, taking his hand. “Are you hungry?”

“Always.” Bam leered at his boyfriend and Ville laughed harder. “What?”

“Nothing. Come on.” He led Bam back into the kitchen and Bam sat down while Ville went to the fridge. He sat down next to Bam. “It's healthy.”

“I'll cope.”

“Dig in.” Ville handed him a spoon and started to eat. Bam eyed the contents of the bowl. While he was sure it was delicious, as everything else had been so far, it still looked nasty.

“What is it?”

“A kind of muesli.”

Bam raised an eyebrow. “What kind?”

“The home-made kind. Just try it.”

“Okay.” Bam stared at the bowl again. “How come there's no milk in it?”

“I don't drink milk and I thought soy milk was probably a bit too much for you, so I soaked it apple juice.”

“Soy milk?” Bam couldn't think of anything that sounded more gross. “They make milk out of soy?”

“Soya beans. Now will you just try it?”

“Yeah, sorry.” Bam stuck his spoon in the bowl and ate a small mouthful. It was odd, difficult to chew, but it was nice.

“Good?”

Bam chewed carefully and nodded. “Good.”

“Told you.” Ville looked smug and Bam only just resisted the urge to stick out his tongue which would have been covered in the muesli. Fine if it had been family or friends, but not with Ville. It would not have been a turn on he was sure. He pulled a face instead and defiantly shoved a large spoonful into his mouth. Ville just laughed.

Bam ate till he started to feel a little ill, much to Ville's continued amusement. Then he sat back and belched quietly behind his hand.

“How come you don't drink milk?”

“It makes my Mom ill; she's always had lots of problems with allergies and stuff. I stopped eating anything that made her ill.”

“Is that why you make everything yourself?”

“Yeah.”

“Wow, that's really cool, Ville.” Bam leaned forward to rub his boyfriend's knee. Ville shrugged a little dismissively and Bam frowned. “Ville, it's cool, okay? How many other kids look after their Mom, learn to cook properly- and good stuff too- stay home all day? I mean come on, you're amazing.”

“She's my mother, Bam, I love her.”

“I know.”

“She's all I have.” Ville ducked his head and Bam frowned sadly, reaching out to stroke back the older boy's hair.

“Not anymore Ville, you have me too.” He shifted his chair forward and tilted Ville's face up to make his boyfriend look at him. “And you have my family and friends too.”

“They don't know me.”

“But you have them anyway because they love me and I love you.”

“And what happens after?”

Bam barely heard Ville's haunted whisper and he wasn't entirely sure what his lover meant. “After what?”

“Nothing, never mind.”

“Ville...”

“It's time for you to go to school, Bam.”

“Uh uh no.” Bam put his hands firmly on Ville's shoulders. “Don't avoid the question, Ville, what did you mean?”

“You'll be late.”

“Ville!” Bam was starting to lose his temper. The older boy flinched and pulled away from Bam's grip.

“You promised your mother you'd go to school, you promised me you'd fight for your education, so go to school.”

“I can't believe you're doing this again.” Bam stood up so fast his chair fell back, clattering to the ground loud enough to make them both jump. Ville turned away and Bam threw his hands up in the air in frustration. “Fine, don't talk to me, don't tell me what the hell is wrong. Just retreat, hide, I'm going to school.”

Ville's eyes glistened with tears but Bam was too angry to be concerned. Sometimes it felt like he was taking one step forward and two steps back with his boyfriend. He stormed out of the mansion and headed for school, fuming quietly.

Ville said that he trusted him, so why keep doing this? Why keep retreating from him? It hurt a lot and knowing how bad Ville's past was only made him feel worse because he knew it was hard for the older boy.

By the time he got to school, he was spoiling for a fight.

Dunn, Dico, Raab and a couple of others met him at the gate and Dunn handed him his bag. Bam bit out a thank you.

“Whoa, what's wrong with you, dude?”

Bam glared at Raab. “Nothing.”

“Right.”

“Nothing, just leave it okay?”

Dico nudged Raab and whispered something in his ear. Raab started laughing.

“Lover's tiff! Ahahahahahaha!”

“Shut the fuck up!” Bam clenched his fists and stepped right up in their faces. “Yes, I had a fight with Ville and no it is not fucking funny, now fucking leave it!”

“Jeez, Bam, calm down, we were just kidding around.”

Dunn put a hand on his shoulder. “Bam, easy man.” Bam turned and stared at his best friend. “What happened?”

Bam felt his throat close up and he tried not to let his anger, frustration and hurt overwhelm him. “It's just he's so... and I overreacted and now he'll be hurt which will just make it worse.” His breath hitched and Ryan pulled him into a hug.

“Dude, I'm sorry, I didn't mean anything you know?” Dico looked down guiltily.

“I know.” Bam took a deep breath, patted Dunn on the back and stepped back. “Sorry guys, I was really pissed and knowing I've probably hurt Ville again just made me more pissed.”

“You guys are really serious huh?” Raab looked a little awed.

“Yeah... well, if I didn't fuck things up this time.”

“Hey look, it's Bum Margera.”

Bam span round, glaring at a group of guys standing inside the gates. “What the fuck did you call me?”

“What?” Pete Ross blinked innocently. “Bum? It's appropriate isn't it? How's taking it up the ass treating you?”

“I don't know, I was going to ask you for advice.” Bam smirked as the jock blustered.

“You little queer bastard!”

“God, you're so original.” Bam shook his head. “What's your problem dude? So worried about what society thinks you gotta pick on me to hide the fact that you jack off in Richard's tube sock?”

Pete looked so shocked and horrified that Bam started to laugh. “Man, you actually do, don't you? And I was only guessing!”

“Dude.” Richard Madeley took a step away from Pete and Pete shook his head violently.

“No way, you fucking fag!”

Dunn stepped forward. “Did I not kick your ass hard enough last week? Got a thing for pain as well as a thing for Richard?”

There was obviously no answer to that and Pete, Richard and the other guys turned and walked away.

“Watch out for them Bambam, they'll try and get you alone.”

“I'll be fine, Dico.” Bam smiled unpleasantly. “If they try anything, they'll be sorry.”

“Dude, remind me not to annoy you when you've had a fight with Ville.” Novak shuddered and Bam actually smiled, feeling marginally better with the support of his friends.

“I won't.” Bam sniggered quietly and led them into school.

@>*~

After a day of fielding insults and bad fag jokes, Bam finally got his fight, but with the last person he was expecting. There wasn't even any verbal assault first. Rake just shoved him aside and into a locker.

Bam snapped and jumped onto his former friend's back. Rake flipped him over onto the ground and tried to kick him. Despite the pain in his ribs, Bam managed to roll out of the way and onto his feet, barrelling into Rake. He got a couple of shots in before the bigger boy hit him hard in the face. They were dragged apart, Dunn holding Bam back.

“Son of a bitch!”

“Fucking freak!”

“Dude, what's wrong with you?” Dunn shook his head.

“What's wrong with me?” Rake snorted. “I'm not the one hanging with a homo perv.”

Dunn started forward and this time it was Bam holding him back.

“Get out of here Rake.”

Rake sneered at them and stalked off.

Anger abruptly dissipated and Bam was left with hurt and pain, making him sag helplessly against his best friend.

“Come on, let's take a look at that eye.” Dunn half carried Bam to the bathroom.

Bam bent over a sink and splashed his face with water, forcing back tears. There was no point in crying, things would only get worse at school. Ville had been through so much worse and at least Bam still had most of his friends.

“How the hell did Ville stay sane?”

Dunn looked confused. “What?”

“Ville.” Bam wiped his face and looked up. “Got the crap kicked out of him at school for nearly two years.”

“Shit, no way?”

“Yeah.”

“No wonder he's so... skittish.”

Bam nodded slowly. “Yeah.”

“Man, your face looks like shit.”

“Thanks.” Bam looked in the mirror. His eye was swelling up already and going a really nasty shade of purple. “Just great, Ape is gonna flip!”

Dunn leaned against the wall. “Bam, what's going on?”

“I just... it feels like every time we make a bit of progress, something goes wrong. I mean we just argue all the time.”

“No, you don't.” Dunn smiled softly. “You two are really good together. You know a real relationship takes work, especially if Ville has such bad problems.”

“I know.” Bam scrubbed a hand over his face.

“And you aren't exactly blessed with patience, you know?” Dunn poked his shoulder. “Just take it easy on both of you.”

Taking a deep breath, Bam nodded, feeling a little better. “Thanks man.”

“Hey, you're welcome, love you man.”

“Love you too.” They shared a quick hug.

“You wanna bunk off?”

Bam shook his head and straightened up. “No. I'm not letting anyone think I'm scared.”

“Cool.” Dunn grinned, “Let's go kick some ass.”

@>*~

It was a long, hard day, but Bam and his friends held their own against students and teachers alike. The thing that made Bam's day the worst wasn't any of the problems in school however, it was worrying about Ville and what he might be doing.

Especially after the way he'd found the older boy when he'd left the hospital.

Finally though it was time to go home and Bam met up with his friends to go skating. Even though he'd promised Ape not to, he could still watch... try and take his mind off Ville because he wasn't ready to go and find him.

Walking to the gates however, Bam was aware of a figure pacing back and forth not far outside. He stopped and stared, wondering if it was a figment of his imagination.

“Hey, Bam, isn't that...”

“Yes.” Bam broke into a run, hurrying straight out and over to where his boyfriend was pacing and muttering. “Ville?”

Ville stopped abruptly and stared at him, eyes widening in horror. “Oh no.” He shook his head and started to back away. “No. I knew this would happen. Oh God.”

Bam's heart started to pound with worry and he reached out for his boyfriend.

“You see? You see?” Ville laughed hysterically, “I don't have you, I won't have you because you'll hate me, you see?”

“No!” Really scared now, Bam reached out again, grabbing his boyfriend's wrists and pulling him close. The older boy barely struggled and refused to look at him. “Ville no, I don't hate you. I won't hate you.” He sighed. “Damn it Ville, you do have me, I told you that this morning, there is no after, okay? And none of this is your fault, do you get me? None of it.”

Ville lifted his gaze, his eyes were filled with tears. “But I...”

“You are sweet and smart and beautiful and I love you. Please believe me.”

His boyfriend practically stumbled into his arms and Bam breathed out heavily in relief, hugging him close.

“I'm sorry.”

“Me too, Ville, I know I overreacted this morning but I got so worried.”

“Yeah.” Ville lifted his head and smiled tremulously. “Me too.”

Not giving a rat's ass that they were right in front of the school, Bam drew Ville closer and kissed him, softly and gently. He felt Ville smile against his mouth and eased back slowly, just resting his forehead against his boyfriend's.

“I love you okay?”

“Okay.” Ville's smile got a little stronger and Bam felt his heart swell happily.

He lifted his head and realised all his friends had formed a circle round them to help protect them from gawking and jeering students. Bam had been so intent on Ville that he hadn't heard a thing.

“You okay guys?”

“Yeah, thanks Ryan.”

“Hey Ville, have you forgiven him again?”

Ville smiled shyly. “Of course.”

“Damn straight.” Bam sniffed in mock offense. “Screw you Dunn.”

“What?” Dunn pulled a face and leaned over to Ville. “Don't worry dude, you've got him wrapped round your little finger.”

“Hey man!” Bam went to punch Dunn's shoulder and Ville caught his hand.

“Bam don't.”

“Sorry.”

“Hey, he stops Bam from hitting, I like this guy!”

Bam snorted. “Fuck you Novak.”

“Never Bambam, uh uh, no way.”

Bam laughed and took Ville's hand. “We're going skating baby, do you wanna come?”

Ville looked terrified for a split second then suddenly, his expression became determined. “Yes.”

“Really?” Bam grinned widely and tugged Ville back into his arms.

“Yes.”

“Don't worry Ville, Bam's not allowed to skate yet so he'll be sitting with you okay?”

Ville smiled at Dunn. “Thank you.”

“Yeah thanks Dunn.” Bam took Ville's hand, “Come on, baby.”

Bam's friends stayed around them as they walked down to the skate park, protecting them from passers-by. At the park, Bam and Ville sat down on a bench to watch the others skate. Bam tried not to fidget, he wanted to skate so badly, he almost resented them.

“Bam.”

“Yeah?”

“We need to talk.”

Bam's heart skipped a beat, stomach knotting with nerves. “Um, okay.”

Sighing quietly, Ville rested his head on Bam's shoulder. “We need to talk more.”

“I know.” Bam leaned his cheek against Ville's hair. “But I did try Ville, you know that.”

“Yeah.” Ville lifted his head again and twisted on the bench to face Bam, hooking one leg over his thighs. “And I know I don't make it easy, but I need you to be patient.”

“It's just I, Ville, I get so worried about you, about hurting you... about us.” Bam pressed his lips together worriedly. “When you won't talk to me, I know I lose it but I can't help it, I love you.”

“Sweetheart.” Ville reached out and stroked Bam's hair back. “I love you too, I do. And I know you're not Janne. I get scared okay?”

“But why?”

“Because you're so young Bam, you've made this choice so fast, come out so fast.” Ville's face screwed up suddenly. “You don't really know what it's like.”

“Oh, I know what it's like.” Bam snorted and pointed at his face.

“It's only the beginning, Bam, you're going to be dealing with this every day. I don't want you to go through this every day.”

Bam sat back, closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Maybe he had been a bit naļve about what it was like, the reality of being out but it didn't change who he was and how he felt.

“I don't want you to hate me.”

Bam's eyes snapped open at Ville's trembling whisper. “Why would I hate you? I could never hate you.”

“Tell me that again after a few weeks of this.” Ville very carefully stroked round Bam's swollen eye.

“Baby, things are different for me. If I was all alone, like you were, I don't think I would survive. You have no idea how much more I love you, knowing how strong you are.”

Ville snorted at him.

“You are strong, Ville. I don't think I'm that strong but I don't have to be. Because I have you, my family and friends and I know I could get through anything as long as I just had you.”

Sighing again, Ville shifted closer and wrapped his arms round Bam, resting his chin on his shoulder. “You'll have me for as long as you want me, my love.”

Bam wasn't very happy about the way Ville phrased it but he decided to let it go for now. He would just have to let time prove to Ville that he wasn't going anywhere. Bam didn't care that he was only seventeen, he was in love and he wanted to be with Ville forever.

Turning his head, Bam kissed his boyfriend, hard and urgent, trying to show Ville how he felt, how much he felt. Ville gripped his hair tightly, tongue pushing into his mouth. Moaning, Bam slipped his arms round Ville's shoulders and held on, sucking on his boyfriend's tongue.

After the day he'd had, the worry over Ville, Bam wanted his boyfriend desperately. The feel of lips and tongue moving over his lips, possessing his mouth was almost overwhelming. His dick was pressing at his zipper already and he moved his hands to Ville's hips, pulling at his lover until he ended up in his lap.

They kissed harder, tongues sliding over each other and Bam tugged Ville right up against his erection, moaning when he realised his boyfriend was just as hard.

“Uh guys?”

Ville gasped in shock and buried his face in Bam's neck.

“I'm glad you guys have worked things out and all, but I think you might be getting carried away.”

Bam glared at his best friend. Dunn looked vaguely uncomfortable but deeply amused. Behind him, standing by the half pipe, Bam's friends were all staring, expression varying between shock, discomfort and bemusement.

“Sorry dude. Ville, you wanna get out of here?”

“Please.” Ville got up, not looking at anyone.

Taking a moment to adjust himself and blessing his baggy jeans, Bam stood with him and offered his boyfriend his hand. Ville grabbed it, squeezing hard.

“I guess I'll see you guys tomorrow.”

“See ya Bam, Ville.”

“Yeah, bye guys.”

Bam waved. “Come on, baby.” He dragged Ville out of the skate park. “My place is closer, do you want to come over?”

“I... yeah. Your Mom won't mind?”

“Of course not.” Bam tugged Ville closer and put an arm round his his waist. “She likes you.” Ville was very quiet. “Hey, you okay?”

“I don't know.”

“What's wrong?” Ville grimaced. “Talk to me.”

“We got really carried away.”

Bam grinned. “Yeah we did.”

“Bam!”

“Sorry.” Bam bit back a smile because he really wasn't.

“I forgot we were in public, I forgot your friends were there.”

“Ville, it's okay, it's not like we were having sex or anything.”

“I was about to put my hand down your pants and jerk you off.”

Bam stopped walking abruptly. His erection sprang back to life and he groaned. “R-really?”

“Yeah.”

Bam glanced sideways. Ville's expression was a cross between embarrassment and heat and Bam just wanted to push him up against the nearest surface and kiss him until they were both ready to burst.

“You're such a tease.”

Ville half smiled. His eyes were dark with lust and his cheeks were flushed. His lips parted, his breath shuddering into his lungs audibly.

Swallowing hard, Bam tugged Ville close and kissed him all too briefly. “Come on.”

Bam started to jog and Ville hurried after him, laughing breathlessly. They ran into the house and Bam shouted out to his mother as they headed downstairs. “Hi Ape, Ville's over, see you later.” A laugh followed them down the stairs.

Bam closed and locked the door behind them and suddenly found himself pushed back against it, Ville trapping his hands behind his back, a thigh pressing into his crotch.

“Oh God.” Bam arched up into his lover. He was starting to love Ville taking charge with him like this. His boyfriend leaned against him and rested his forehead on Bam's, smiling at him.

“I want you.”

“Please Ville.”

Ville's mouth slid over his lips then across his jaw to his neck. He nipped Bam's earlobe and Bam gasped, heat shooting through every nerve.

As Ville licked down his neck, Bam pushed against his boyfriend's grip. But Ville was stronger than he looked and held him back.

“Don't struggle sweetheart.” Ville's breath ghosted over his neck, sending chills down Bam's spine.

“I want to touch you.”

“Soon.” Ville kissed his throat and licked his way up to the other side of Bam's neck, catching his earlobe between his teeth again. Gasping, Bam thrust up urgently against Ville's thigh, trying to get some relief. He was so hard he was already leaking into his boxers and he desperately wanted to touch his boyfriend.

“Promise me you'll keep your hands behind your back and I'll suck you off.”

Bam breathed in shakily. “I promise.”

Ville pulled back and grinned at him, then slowly let go of his hands. Despite his promise and Ville's offer, it still took every ounce of Bam's willpower not to lift his hands and touch his lover. He slid them under his ass and leaned on them.

Ville's mouth opened against his skin and sucked gently. Hands slipped under his t-shirt, stroking up to his chest. Every touch made his skin tingle and his balls ache with need.

“Ville, please.”

“Patience, Bam.” Ville grinned again and hitched Bam's t-shirt up under his armpits. He traced the lines of Bam's muscles with his fingertips then bent down and followed his fingers with his tongue.

“Ville.” Bam breathed out heavily, clenching his hands together behind his back. The older boy was far too good at teasing, he was going to drive Bam crazy with need. Desire burned in his gut and still Ville teased, sucking gently at his nipples till he was gasping for breath and his cock was so hard it hurt.

Bam whimpered. “Baby, please.”

“Mmm.” Ville continued lapping and sucking his nipples but his hands finally slid lower and skated over the waistband of his pants. Bam's hips jerked and his lover chuckled against his skin. Ville popped open his button fly and eased a hand inside and under his shorts. Bam bit his lip hard, trying not to come on the spot as Ville finally touched his dick, palming him lightly.

“You're so hard for me.” Ville's voice had a touch of wonder to it and Bam nodded.

“I want you so much, Ville.”

Ville stroked him gently and kissed him before dropping gracefully to his knees. He looked up and caught Bam's gaze as he pushed his jeans and boxers down round his thighs.

Bam watched his lover in awe and lust. Ville wrapped a hand round the base of his cock and leaned in to lick the tip, still staring up at Bam. It was so hot, Bam had to struggle not to thrust forward. Finally, Ville wrapped his lips round his dick and sucked him down. Bam groaned. The wet heat, the suction, it was such an amazing feeling and watching Ville's mouth slide up and down his cock, lips stretched round his shaft was so fucking sexy, Bam knew he wasn't going to last.

His whole groin ached, tension was building in his belly, every nerve was on fire. “Oh God, Ville.” His head dropped to his chest and Bam suddenly realised that Ville had his other hand down his pants and was jacking himself as he sucked Bam off.

“Ville coming!” Heat and tension exploded into pleasure, shooting through his whole body and he came, shuddering into Ville's mouth.

His lover swallowed with a groan until Bam collapsed back against the door. Ville dropped his head onto Bam's hip stroking himself until he came with a quiet moan, shaking against Bam's body.

Bam slid down to the floor, sitting opposite his lover with a soft tired smile hovering on his lips. “You're amazing.”

Ville flushed, but for once didn't duck his head and hide behind his hair. Bam couldn't resist leaning forward to kiss him. The taste of himself in Ville's mouth was still strange but he didn't care, he just wanted more of the older boy.

“Why didn't you wait?”

“For what?”

“I wanted to... I would have sucked you off.”

“Oh.” Ville looked mildly embarrassed. “I uh, couldn't wait.”

Feeling a little smug, Bam grinned. “Oh really? I turn you on that much?”

Ville stared at him seriously. “Yes, you do.”

It was Bam's turn to flush. “Wow.” A smile played around Ville's lips for a moment then disappeared and Bam raised an eyebrow. “What?”

Ville's smile came back full force and he kissed Bam's cheek. “You're sweet.”

Bam spluttered. “Sweet?”

“Yes.” Ville kissed him again, on the lips, effectively silencing him, but Bam had no real complaints about that.

When Ville finally released his mouth, he did raise an eyebrow again. “Sweet? Ville, come on!”

“You don't mind it when I call you sweetheart.”

“That's different.”

“How?”

“That's like when I call you baby. Saying I'm sweet is...”

Ville ducked his head, but it was to hide a smile this time. “Am I threatening your masculinity?”

Bam sighed and laughed. “Yeah maybe.”

“Fine, you're not sweet.”

Strangely, even though he didn't like being called sweet, he liked Ville withdrawing the comment even less. He pouted. “You can't take it back.”

“Oh really.”

“Yeah.” Bam pushed himself to his feet and pulled up his pants. He held out a hand and Ville took it, letting Bam haul him to his feet. “Do you need to wash up?”

Grimacing, Ville nodded. “I'm a, uh, a little sticky.”

“You can take a shower if you want, borrow some boxers.”

“Thank you sweetheart, that would be nice.”

“Go ahead.” Ville went into the bathroom and Bam dug out some clean boxers, following Ville into the bathroom to get him a towel. Ville had already stripped off his top and Bam stopped to stare. He couldn't help it, Ville was gorgeous. Pale and slender with smooth skin Bam just wanted to touch.

Ville cleared his throat and Bam focused back on his boyfriend's face. “Sorry.”

“Don't be.” Ville shuffled his feet and offered a nervous smile. “I'm getting used to it.”

“Good.” Bam smiled. “Because I was wondering if you'd mind if I stayed.”

Ville blinked once, slowly. “Stayed?”

“In here while you take a shower.” Bam couldn't quite meet Ville's eyes as he spoke. Ville caught his chin and urged him to look up.

“You want to watch?”

Bam swallowed and nodded jerkily. “Yeah.”

“Okay.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay.” Bam put the toilet lid down and sat on it as Ville stripped self-consciously to his underwear. The older boy was so skinny, but still so beautiful, Bam felt his groin stir again.

Ville switched on the shower and glanced back at Bam before quickly shucking his briefs and jumping under the water.

Bam breathed in slowly, watching water stream down the planes and lines of his boyfriend's body to his groin. Ville's dick was half-hard, large and solid, pale and smooth and Bam stared. It was the first time he'd seen Ville naked, the first time he'd seen his cock properly and Bam wanted it, wanted Ville to fuck him, wanted to feel Ville possess him.

Bam watched his boyfriend wash himself off. Ville's face was still red with embarrassment and he wasn't looking at Bam, but he was still getting slowly harder and harder. He knew Ville wasn't ready to have full sex but Bam couldn't deny how much he wanted to go further.

Without thinking, Bam toed off his sneakers and got up, climbing into the shower with his lover.

“Bam! What are you doing?”

“I want you, Ville.”

“You're in the shower with your clothes on.”

Bam dropped to his knees and looked up, smiling. “Is that a problem?”

Lips parting slowly, Ville shook his head. “God... no.”

“Good.” Water was soaking his clothes but Bam didn't care. He gently stroked up and down Ville's thighs and leaned forward, burying his face in his lover's groin. Inhaling deeply, Bam kissed the crease of Ville's thigh then turned his head, running his lips up the length of Ville's dick to the head.

Ville groaned quietly and threaded his fingers through Bam's wet hair. He had barely had a chance to enjoy giving Ville a blowjob the last time, he wanted to take his time, savour it. Maybe he was learning from Ville after all.

Slowly, he licked up and down the length of Ville's shaft, lapping away small droplets of precome on every upstroke. Ville tasted amazing, the skin of his cock was so smooth against his tongue. He was loving it so much he could understand why Ville had needed to jack himself; Bam was so hard, he felt like he was going to bust through his jeans.

Under the warmth of the water flowing down over him, he slid a hand up between Ville's legs and cupped his balls, rolling them gently and Ville's hips jerked, his dick slipping between Bam's lips. Pushing Ville's hips back with his free hand, Bam sucked the head of his cock, running his tongue over the slit.

“Oh God, Bam please.” Ville's tone was so full of pleading it made Bam feel good, powerful, a little smug and so very hot. He sucked a little more of Ville's length into his mouth, still lapping with the tip of his tongue. He wasn't exactly sure what he was doing, but the noises Ville was making encouraged him and Bam eased further down, starting a long, slow stroke.

Ville started to whimper, his grip tightening in Bam's hair, his hips pushing against Bam's hand. “Please Bam.”

Bam let go of Ville's slick hip and wrapped his hand round the base of Ville's cock, using his fist and his mouth to stroke his lover faster, ignoring the water streaming down his face.

“Oh God.” Ville thrust helplessly and suddenly, his body stiffened. “Bam I...” He jerked forward and shuddered, coming hard. Bam swallowed quickly, pushing further down Ville's dick so the come went straight down his throat.

It was weird how he could practically feel Ville's cock pulsing in his mouth. His boyfriend slumped against the wall and Bam sat back on his heels. He could feel his own dick pulsing against his soaking wet jeans but he was enjoying watching Ville too much to do anything about it. His lover had his head back, wet hair cascading around his face and he was panting heavily. Just beautiful.

Ville finally looked down, a soft smile gracing his lips. “Get up.”

Bam struggled to his feet and Ville started to peel his sopping clothes off. Throwing them in a heap on the bathroom floor, Bam let himself get dragged into an urgent kiss, Ville's hand wrapping round his cock to jerk him off in hard, fast strokes that had him on the edge in a few short moments.

Ville sucked hard on his bottom lip and twisted his grip, sliding his thumb over the head of his dick and Bam came with a gasp, jerking hard into his lover's fist, electricity lighting his whole body. “Ville!”

His boyfriend held him close, steadying him until his knees started to work again.

“I love you so much, Bam.”

“Yeah, I love you too.”

They kissed softly and then Bam quickly rinsed himself off. They got out of the shower together and dried off, both a little shy about being completely naked in front of each other. Bam went back into his room and found some dry clothes while Ville dressed in the bathroom. He sat on his bed and waited. Ville finally came out and sat down next to him.

“So how do we explain both of us having wet hair to your mother?”

“Water fight. We do insane stuff all the time. Nothing surprises her, not really.”

“Your poor mother.” Ville shook his head and laughed breathily.

“Ah, she's used to it.”

“Maybe you should shock her by being nice sometimes.”

Bam pouted. “I'm always nice.”

“Uh huh.” Ville laughed again and reached up to rub a thumb over Bam's lips. “Of course you are.”

“I'm ignoring you now.” Bam crossed his arms over his chest and looked away, pouting even more. Ville was quiet for a long moment and Bam almost started to worry that his boyfriend hadn't taken it as the joke it was intended to be.

“So, I guess that means you want me to go.”

“No!” Bam's head snapped round and he realised Ville was smiling smugly at him. “I mean,” he shrugged, “I don't mind.”

“Ah too late.” Ville snickered. “I caught you out.”

“You suck.” Bam shoved his boyfriend and Ville stopped laughing.

“Hey.”

“What?”

“Not so hard.”

“Sorry.” Bam rubbed Ville's shoulder gently. “Did I hurt you?”

“Yes.”

“I'm sorry, I guess I'm used to hitting the guys. We are kinda harsh with each other.”

“I understand, sweetheart.” Ville took his hand and squeezed it gently. “But I'm not like you guys, so go easy on me okay?”

Bam smiled apologetically. “Okay. Will you stay for dinner? I know my family can be overwhelming but I'd really love it if you did.”

“I'd love to. I need to call my Mom though.”

“Of course.” Bam got up and dragged Ville to his feet. “Come on.” They ran up the stairs hand in hand, laughing, then skidding to a halt in the kitchen.

Ape stared at them in surprise. “What have you done now?”

“Water fight.” Bam lied with a grin, poking Ville gently.

“I meant your face.”

“Oh that, nothing, a fight in school.” Bam stared hard at his mother, willing her to drop the subject.

“Are you okay?”

“Yes.”

Ape pursed her lips but nodded. “Okay honey, if you say so.”

“Can Ville stay for dinner?”

“Sure.” Ape smiled at Ville. “Do you want to call your mother, Ville?”

“Yes, thank you.”

“Now you see, Bam, that's called manners. You could learn something from your boyfriend.”

Bam pulled a face at his mother. “Ville, stop showing me up,” he whined.

Ville just laughed as he dialled home. “Mom? Are you okay? Do you mind if I stay at Bam's for dinner... you're sure? Okay Mom. Mä rakastan sua.”

“Take a seat, Ville. Bam, get some plates please.”

Bam made a rude noise but did as he was told. He was setting the plates on the table when Jess came into the kitchen and started laughing at him. Without thinking, Bam picked up a plate and hurled it at his brother. Jess ducked and it smashed into the doorframe behind him. Bam ran forward and tackled his brother as his mother started to shout at them.

They fell to the floor, struggling against each other until Jess managed to roll Bam over and he felt a stab of pain.

“Ow, shit!” He shoved at Jess. “Get off.”

“Yeah right.” Jess laughed and hit him and another jolt of pain shot through Bam.

“Fuck Jess, get off!”

“Get off your brother right now!” Ape caught Jess by the ear and pulled him up.

“Ow Ape!”

Bam sat up and put his hand to his side. Something slick and hot coated his fingers and Bam lifted his hand to look. “Ah shit.”

“Bam!” Ville was at his side in an instant, pushing at his shoulder to look at his side. “Oh God Bam.”

“I'm okay.”

“Did you roll in the plate shards Bam?”

“Yes Ape.”

“How many times do I have to tell you not to wrestle after you've broken glass or china?”

Ville looked worried and confused. “You mean this has happened before?”

“Only all the time.”

“Bam?”

“I'm sorry, baby, I didn't mean to upset you.”

“You're bleeding.”

“I'll be okay.”

Ville pursed his lips, his expression becoming determined. “Get up.”

“Huh?”

“Get up.” Ville stood and held out a hand. Bam took it and stood up with a quiet groan. Ville practically frog-marched him to the bathroom. “Top off.”

Bam quietly did as he was told, wincing as he drew his t-shirt over his head. Ville carefully rinsed the cuts on his side, flushing out any small bits of china that might have got in the wounds. Bam gritted his teeth.

Ville found some bandaids in the bathroom cabinet and patched Bam up gently, then kissed him tenderly.

“You need to be more careful.”

“I know.”

“So why aren't you?”

“I don't know.” Bam sighed and put his shirt back on, he couldn't be bothered to change again. “I just don't really think about it, it just happens. We've always kind of dived headfirst into stuff on impulse.”

Ville contemplated him for a long time and Bam tried not to fidget. Then his boyfriend smiled ruefully. “I thought I was weird.”

“You're not weird, you're just different.”

Pulling a face, Ville pushed Bam out of the bathroom. “I'm not sure that's a better word.”

“Whatever, you're not weird.”

“Thank you.”

“But then again I am biased.” Bam grinned cheekily and Ville sighed.

“You're an ass, is what you are.”

“I thought you liked my ass.”

Ville's eyes darkened. “Oh, I do.”

Ville's voice was deep and breathy and a tendril of lust shivered its way down Bam's spine. He cleared his throat, trying his best not to get turned on again.

“Boys! Food!”

“Coming Ape.” Adjusting himself with an embarrassed glance at Ville, Bam went back to the kitchen with his boyfriend and hurriedly sat down. Ville sat down more leisurely, shooting a smug grin in his direction. Bam pulled a face at him and received a smack on the back of his head from his mother for it.

“Behave Bam.”

“Ape!” Bam scowled at his mother.

“You okay?”

“Yeah, Ville patched me up.”

“Man, you're such a girl.”

“Shut up, Jess!” Jess poked his tongue out at him and Bam returned the gesture.

“Can we for once have a nice family meal?” Ape sighed. “I'm sorry, Ville.”

“That's okay April.” Ville smiled at her and she smiled brightly back at him.

“Oh shit I forgot!” Bam bit his lip looking guiltily at his boyfriend.

“What?”

“What don't you eat Ville?”

Ville shifted uncomfortably. “Meat, fish, dairy, eggs and sugar.”

Jess gaped at him. “What does that leave?”

“Oh loads, Ville's a great cook.” Bam nodded in emphasis. Ape stared at him. “What?”

“You've been eating healthily?”

“Uh,” Bam glanced at his boyfriend who looked a cross between embarrassed and amused. “Yeah, I guess so.”

“Ville, I'm amazed, well done.”

“Thank you, but I didn't give him much of a choice.”

“Given the choice, Bam would normally rather starve.” Ape shook her head as Bam snorted. “Well, I don't know how much of this I can give you.”

“The rice and vegetables are fine, thank you April.”

“He can have my vegetables.”

“No Jess, there's plenty for everyone.”

“Yeah Jess.” Bam smiled evilly. “Eat your greens.”

“Ah fuck you, Bam.”

“Quiet!” Ape plonked their plates down in front of them and glared. “Ville, I'd like to say it's not normally like this but I'm afraid I can't.”

Ville smiled softly and squeezed Bam's knee under the table. “It's fine, honestly, I'm having fun.” Ape smiled gratefully at him.

“Anyone would think you were ashamed of us, Ape.” Bam sniffed, pretending to be hurt.

“Ashamed of, no, embarrassed by, yes.”

“Ape!” Jess pouted at his mother.

“Oh enough already, eat.”

Bam glanced over at his boyfriend and smiled. Ville, while looking dubious about the food, nonetheless dug in and for some reason, it filled Bam with a great sense of contentment and if he wasn't sitting in front of his family, he probably would have sat in Ville's lap for a cuddle. But being teased about being a girl once that night was quite enough and Bam settled for slipping a hand under the table to take Ville's which was still on his leg. Ville looked over at him and smiled back.

@>*~

After an interesting family meal, they made their escape to Bam's room. Bam switched on his computer and sat on the chair while Ville sat on the edge of his bed.

“What are you doing?”

Bam swung his chair round. “I thought we could try and find your friends.” Ville's eyes widened and he looked terrified. Bam hastily backtracked. “I mean, if you want. I just thought it would be a good thing to do together.”

Pressing his hands onto his thighs, Ville looked down, clearing his throat.

“I'm sorry.” Bam slid off the chair onto his knees in front of his lover. “I didn't mean to get pushy.”

“It's okay.” Ville stroked Bam's hair back. “It is a good idea, I just wasn't expecting it.” He sat back, leaning on his hands. “I've been avoiding thinking about it actually.”

“Why?” Bam knelt up and rested his head against Ville's chest, listening to his boyfriend's heartbeat.

“I'm scared, Bam. What if they hate me for not staying in touch? What if they hate me for being gay?”

“What if they don't care and are just happy to hear from you again?” Bam lifted his head again. “You won't know till you try and you'll regret not trying, so let's just do it.”

“Yeah you're right, thank you.” Ville caught Bam's face between his hands and kissed him. “I love you.”

Bam smiled, warmed by his boyfriend's touch. “Love you too.” He got up and sat on the chair again, beckoning for Ville to join him. They squashed together onto the chair like they had so many times before at the mansion. Bam enjoyed the closeness they now had. Ville did still flinch occasionally, but only if he hadn't seen Bam and wasn't expecting to be touched, but it didn't hurt anymore, it just made Bam angry over Ville's past.

“Where do we start?”

“I think we should try friends reunited, or I don't know, does Helsinki have yellow pages?” Ville looked shocked and Bam frowned. “What?”

“I don't know what I was thinking. Mikko's and Linde's parents probably still live in the same place.”

Bam felt a surge of excitement. “Do you remember the numbers?” Ville nodded slowly. “What do you want to do?”

Swallowing, Ville stared at him, green eyes shining with tears. “I don't know.”

“We don't have to do anything yet, baby.” Bam put an arm round his boyfriend. “We could still try and find them on the net, email instead of phone. It's less... intense.”

Ville pulled away and got up to sit on the bed. Bam followed him.

“I just don't know Bam, I want to, but the thought of contacting them makes me feel sick.”

“I'll phone them.”

“What?” Ville stared at him in shock.

“I, uh,” Bam cleared his throat, “I'll do it for you.”

“You'd do that?”

“Well sure.” Wrapping an arm round his lover again, Bam pulled him close. “I want you to be happy and I think you won't be happy if you don't at least try and contact them.”

Ville melted against him and they lay back on the bed cuddling. “Maybe you're right.”

“Yup.”

Ville laughed and snuggled closer, kissing his neck.

“Ville?”

“Yeah?”

“Would you sing for me?” Bam felt his lover stiffen and pressed on quickly. “Please baby, for me? Sing me one of your songs.”

Ville slipped an arm round Bam's shoulders and buried his face in his hair. He was quiet for a long time and Bam didn't say anything. He didn't want to push even though he really wanted Ville to sing. Finally, out of the silence, Ville took a deep breath.

“I wrote this recently.” Ville cleared his throat and Bam held his breath.

“Let me wake up in your arms,
Hear you say it's not all right...”

By the end of the song, Bam was crying. The combination of Ville's unbelievably beautiful voice, low, deep and full of emotion and the gorgeous lyrics, simple yet evocative, pierced him right to the core of his soul.

“Bam, are you okay?”

“I'm better than okay, Ville, that was so beautiful. I love you so much.” He lifted his head to see Ville's face and kissed him.

“I can't believe you're crying, sweetheart.” Ville gently wiped away his tears.

“How could I help it?” Bam snuggled in close and took a deep, steadying breath. Ville held him tightly, stroking his hair.

“I wrote it for you.”

Fresh tears pricked at Bam's eyes and he pressed his face into Ville's chest while his boyfriend held him.

@>*~

“Bam?” He was woken by a gentle hand shaking his shoulder.

“Ape? What?”

“Honey, it's really late. Is Ville staying over?”

Bam eased out of his lover's arms and sat up, rubbing his face tiredly.

“Bam...” Ape frowned at him. “Have you been crying?”

“Aw man.” Bam flushed and he looked down. “Kinda yeah.”

“Why?”

“Nothing bad, Ape, don't worry.”

“Is he staying?”

“I don't know. I'd better wake him.” Bam looked down at his boyfriend and smiled, the intensity of his emotions almost overwhelming him again. “Ville?” He stroked the older boy's face gently, not wanting to scare him. Ville still woke quickly with a flinch that Bam just knew his mother was itching to ask about.

“Ville it's-” Bam paused to look at the alarm clock. “Shit, it's past eleven.”

“What?!” Ville sat bolt upright. “Oh God, I've got to get home.”

“I'll go with you.”

“No, Bam it's okay.”

“It's too late for you to go on your own, Ville.”

“Sometimes I think you forget that I'm older than you are. I'll be fine.”

“I don't forget.” Bam pouted, ignoring the renewed look of curiosity on his mother's face. “But I will worry.”

Ape cleared her throat. “Why don't I just drive Ville home and you can come along.”

“Oh, I couldn't.”

“Sounds great Ape, thanks.” Bam shot Ville a look and his boyfriend subsided.

“Let's go then boys, it's past Bam's bedtime.”

“Ape!” Bam scowled and got up, pulling his sneakers on. Yawning, Ville sat on the edge of the bed to put on his own shoes.

They trailed upstairs after Ape and Bam dragged Ville into the back seat with him, lying on his lap. Heavy lidded green eyes smiled down at him and Ville carded his fingers through Bam's curls.

“You okay?”

Ville nodded.

“Worried about your Mom?”

“Yeah.”

“She would have called if there were any problems.”

“Maybe.”

“She would baby, and she wouldn't want you to worry so much.”

Ville's smile tightened a little. “I know, Bam, but you know I can't help it.”

“Yeah.” Bam caught Ville's hand and kissed his palm. “I know.”

Ape pulled up outside the mansion. “Here we are boys.”

Bam sat up and hugged Ville. “Think about the phone calls okay?”

“Yeah.”

“Mä rakastan sua.”

Ville smiled. “I love you too.”

They kissed, too briefly in Bam's opinion, and got out of the car.

“Thank you for the ride, April.”

“You're very welcome, Ville, good night.”

“Good night.”

“Ville.” Bam took his boyfriend's wrist and pulled him close again. “Thank you for the song.”

Ville kissed him again. “Hyvää iltaa, Bam.”

“Night Ville.” Bam let go and got in the front of the car. He watched the tall, slim figure of his boyfriend walk out of sight round the back of the house.

“Ready honey?”

“Yeah.” Bam finally looked over at his mother.

“So, just how old is Ville exactly?”

Rolling his eyes, Bam dropped his head back. “He's twenty.”

“That's quite a bit older.”

“No, it's not.”

“Bam, he's a man, and you're not quite.”

“Jeez, Ape, it's less than three years. Come on, you've met him more than once now, he's not exactly an older man preying on a young innocent boy.”

“No but-”

“Mom.”

Her head snapped sideways for a second. “Did you just call me Mom?”

“Yes.”

“Oh honey.”

“Just stop right there and listen, please?”

“Okay, okay.”

“He's had a lot of problems in his life, spent a lot of time on his own. He doesn't have much more life exerience than I do.”

“Are you having sex?”

“Ape jeez!” Bam flushed hotly.

“Are you?”

Bam didn't have a clue how to answer because he had a strange feeling Ape would pick up on it if he lied.

“Bam, answer me.”

“Not exactly.”

“Well what does that mean?”

“We've done some stuff.” Bam looked away, pressing his heated skin to the window, its coolness somewhat of a relief.

“Stuff?”

“Jesus Christ, Ape!” Bam's embarrassment made him lose his temper. “We haven't fucked, is that what you wanted to know?”

“Bam!”

“I'm sorry, Ape. I'm sorry, okay?”

“I know sweetie, I was just a little surprised actually.” She took a deep breath, concentrating hard on the road. “He's not pressuring you?”

“God no, of course not.”

“Are you pressuring him?”

“Ape!” Bam's jaw dropped in shock.

“Well, are you?”

Bam glared at her. “I'm trying not to.”

She smiled at him. “You're a good boy really.”

“Aw shut up.”

Ape just laughed at him.

@>*~

The rest of the week passed in pretty much the same way, although Bam didn't get into fights every day, just most days. He'd go and watch the guys skate and then go and see Ville after school.

Things were still progressing slowly with the older boy. Ville would fret over evidence of fights and Bam would have to reassure him. They would kiss and cuddle and that would invariably lead to mutual handjobs and sometimes blowjobs, but he could never get Ville to even talk about going further, which was reallly starting to frustrate Bam even though he was trying not to let it.

Then of course was the fact that they hadn't spent a whole night together in what felt like far too long, even though it had been less than a week. Bam missed it.

Ville was still putting off contacting his old friends and Bam knew it was making him miserable but he didn't know what to do about that because Ville had started getting defensive whenever he brought it up. And Ville was the one who'd said they should talk more!

It was finally Saturday though, and Bam could spend more than a couple of hours with his boyfriend and they would talk.

@>*~

He spent the morning with his brother and CKY, all of whom had accepted him, much to Jess' relief. After lunch, Bam grabbed his board with a sigh of happiness. He could finally skate again and he took full advantage, practising jumps and grinds all the way to the mansion. He jumped over the wall and straight round the back and inside. He'd stopped knocking again after the hospital.

“Ville?” Bam walked through the kitchen and stopped, spotting the front door off its hinges. He hadn't noticed it on the way in because the front porch was partially hidden by a tree. His chest clenched with worry and Bam ran to the sitting room.

It was trashed. The monitor was smashed and the tower was gone. Books lay everywhere, ripped and torn and in some cases, burnt. Parts of Ville's writing on the walls had been spray painted over with grafitti tags. Bam's heart leapt straight into his throat with fear and panic and he had to lean against the doorframe for a moment to gather himself.

Quickly checking the other rooms downstairs, which were also trashed, Bam ran upstairs, heading straight for Ville's room. He spotted the tapestry over Mrs Valo's door and felt marginally relieved that she was probably okay.

Pushing open Ville's door, Bam's stomach tightened fearfully. The bed was tipped over, sheets and pillows ripped up, the wardrobe was in pieces, Ville's clothes shredded on the floor. 'Fag' and 'Homo' had been spray-painted all over the walls.

“Oh God.” Bam breathed out slowly. “Ville?” He quickly opened the panel in the wall. Curled up in a tight ball, asleep and apparently unharmed, was his boyfriend and Bam dropped to his knees in relief. “Baby?”

Carefully, he stroked a hand through the older boy's hair. Ville snapped awake with a startled gasp, eyes wide with panic until he focused on Bam and burst into tears.

“Jesus, Ville.” Bam leaned over and pulled his boyfriend up into his lap, holding on tight as Ville sobbed into his chest. “Ville, what happened?”

“B-boys broke in.”

“No warning?”

Ville's breath shuddered harshly into his lungs and he sat up, grabbing his inhaler from the cupboard and sucking down some medicine. “Just enough to h-hide.”

“Why didn't you call me?”

“They were here all night. I fell asleep.” Ville's eyes widened suddenly. “My mother!”

“The tapestry's in place, don't worry.” Bam felt Ville sag slightly in relief.

“My garden?”

“It's fine, Ville, I don't think they got out back. Oh God baby, I'm so sorry!”

“Why? It's not your fault.”

Bam stood and drew Ville to his feet. “I think it was. Look.” He pointed at the tags on the walls. “This wasn't some random drunken break-in Ville, this was my fault.”

Staring at his room, Ville shook his head. “No, it's not.”

“But I...”

“This is not your fault.” Ville sounded stronger and he pulled out of Bam's arms. “I need to check on my mother.”

Bam followed Ville down the corridor where his boyfriend pulled the tapestry aside and unlocked the door.

“Mom?”

“Ville! You're okay, I was so worried.”

“I'm fine Mom, are you okay?” Ville went and sat on the bed and Bam hovered in the doorway.

“I was just worried about you sweetheart.”

“You're sure? You don't need anything?”

“Yes, I'm sure. Bam, why don't you come in dear?”

Bam hesitantly stepped into the room and went to stand next to his boyfriend, putting a hand on his shoulder. “I'm so sorry for all this.”

Ville twisted his head and glared at Bam. “It wasn't your fault.” Then he turned back to his mother. “Hungry?”

“Not really.”

“Mom, you need to eat more.”

“And you don't?” Bam nodded in silent agreement.

“I eat enough.” Ville stood up and bent over to press a kiss to his mother's cheek. “I'm going to make you some lunch.”

“All right, darling.” Ville's mother smiled indulgently.

Ville took his hand and Bam smiled briefly at her before they headed downstairs. Ville was about to go into the sitting room when Bam stopped him.

“Baby, it's not good.”

“I know. But I need to see.”

Inside, Ville gasped, twisting round on the spot, staring up and down until he just sagged down onto the floor. Bam sat down next to him and hugged him again.

“You okay baby?”

“No.” Ville's voice was thick with pain. “Why would someone do this, Bam? Why is the world so horrible?”

“Some people are just scared of anything different, baby, and they react badly.” Bam kissed Ville softly and wiped away a stray tear. “I wish you didn't have to deal with so much of it.”

“I wish none of us did, sweetheart.” Ville buried his face in Bam's neck and sniffed. “My writing.”

“Did they mess up much of it?”

“Not the walls, Bam, I don't care about the walls.” Ville's breath hitched again. “I wrote some songs on the computer.”

“Ah man!” Bam's temper flared. “I'm gonna find out who did this and I'm gonna fucking k-”

“Bam!” Ville pulled back and stared at him in horror. Bam bit his lip and tried to control his anger. But it was hard when Ville was so upset, seeing his lover like this made him want to break stuff. Preferably the faces of the people responsible.

“I was going to say kick their asses, Ville, I promise.”

“That's only marginally better.” Ville closed his eyes. “Violence isn't the answer, Bam.”

“I can't just sit by, Ville, I can't. It's not so bad getting shit at school, but this...”

“I'll clean up.”

“What if they come back?” Bam got up and started to pace in frustration and worry.

“Then I'll hide again.”

“Every night?”

“If I have to, yes. They'll get bored when they think no one lives here.”

Bam dropped back to his knees. “How do you know? And what if you don't hide in time? Oh God Ville...” He shook his head trying not to think about the possibilities. “What about your mother? You can't stay here anymore!”

“It's our home.”

“It's a shit tip that anyone can break into. Ville, you can't live like this.”

“What other choice do we have?”

“You can live with me.” Ville started to shake his head and Bam pressed on. “You can't stay here, and my family would be okay with it.”

“No.”

“Ville, please.”

“No.”

Bam grabbed Ville's shoulders, almost shaking him. “Do you really want your mother to stay here after last night?”

“I said no, Bam.”

“But...”

“Bam!” Ville glared at him and Bam's heart froze.

“What's this really about?”

“What?”

Bam stood up and sat on the chair. “Seriously, Ville, what's going on? Are you worried you might actually have to talk to me if you come and stay?”

Staring at him incredulously, Ville snorted. “Everything is not always about you, Bam. This place, such as it is, is my home and I won't leave it.”

“Okay then, so let's talk now.”

“I'm going to make lunch.” Ville got up and started to walk past him but Bam caught his wrist. “Let go, Bam.”

“No, not till you tell me what's going on with you.”

“Nothing's going on with me, let go!”

“Ville...”

Ville yanked his hand free. “Just stop it Bam, I told you nothing's going on now would you drop it!”

Bam's stomach tightened and he felt sick. Just once he wished they could talk seriously without arguing. It didn't help that he loved Ville so damn much. All he wanted was for his boyfriend to be happy, for them to be able to talk without wondering if he was going to upset or hurt the older boy.

“Fine, I give up.” Bam turned his head away and swallowed back bitter tears. “I'm going to head home, why don't you call me when you want to talk.” He got up and pushed past his lover, hurrying straight out of the front door, not wanting Ville to see how upset he was. He heard Ville call his name and ran faster, not stopping until he got home. He went straight to his room and curled up on the bed, crying quietly into his pillow.

@>*~

Hours later and there was a knock on his door. Bam hastily wiped his face and took a deep breath. “What?”

“Can I come in?”

“Sure, Ape what is it?”

His mother came in, took one look at him and sat on the bed, gathering him into her arms. “Honey, what's wrong?”

Feeling tears prick at his eyes again, Bam turned his head into her neck. “Ville.”

“What happened?”

“He got broken into last night and he only had time to hide his mother and himself. The whole place was trashed.”

“Oh honey! But they were okay?”

“I guess. I told him they should come and stay here, it isn't safe there but he wouldn't listen and then...” Bam's breath hitched and he bit his lip hard.

“What baby?”

“I tried to get him to talk to me but he wouldn't, he acted like everything was fine and it wasn't, Ape, it isn't!”

Ape stroked his hair gently. “Bam, honey, from what you've told me, Ville has been mostly alone for a long time.”

“Yeah but he's not now, he knows that, we've talked about that.”

“Talking doesn't always get it through, Bam, he's a lovely boy but he's not a happy one. He's lost so much, it's only natural for him to try and push you away.”

Bam sat back wide eyed. Was that what was going on? “You really think that's what he's doing? Trying to push me away?”

“Probably Bam, you know him better than I do.”

Bam sighed. “Sometimes I feel like I don't know him at all. What do I do?”

“I think you should go back. You need to show him that you'll be there for him no matter what he says or does, okay?”

Taking a deep breath, Bam nodded. “Okay. Thanks Ape.”

@>*~

Bam skated slowly back to to Ville's house, just coasting most of the way. It really did hurt to think that Ville still didn't completely trust him with his heart even though Bam truly understood why it was hard for him.

All he could do was be there for Ville, like his mother had said, show the older boy that he'd be there for him no matter what. And if that meant getting hurt, he'd take it because he was in love and he needed Ville to know that, and that he could trust him. Completely.

He jumped over the wall and quickly checked the front door. It looked like it had been fixed, so he headed round the back. The back door however, was wide open and Bam started to panic again. He ran inside to the sitting room.

Ville had moved the armchair so that it was facing the door and he was sitting in the dark, his face in shadow, although Bam could still see his eyes which looked glazed and moody. There was a bottle between his legs.

“Ville?”

“I should have known you'd come back.” Ville sneered at him. “Not very good at knowing when you're not wanted, are you Bam?”

Trying to ignore the pain, Bam ventured a bit further into the room. “I don't believe I'm not wanted.”

“Really? You're good at ignoring what you don't want to believe too.”

“Ville, what's wrong with you?” Bam was worried, this didn't seem like his boyfriend at all.

Ville took a large swig from the bottle and inhaled sharply. “Nothing that wouldn't be fixed by you leaving!”

“You don't mean that.” Bam shook his head and swallowed back tears.

“You heard me, Bam, get out. Leave me alone.”

“I don't want to, Ville.”

“God damn it Bam, it's always about what you fucking want, isn't it?” Ville finished the bottle and threw it across the room where it smashed into the wall. Bam jumped. “Maybe I don't want any friends, maybe I don't want you here.”

Bam stared in shock. “Are you drunk?”

Ville ignored him and stood up, prowling menacingly towards him. Bam was almost scared of his boyfriend for the first time since they'd met.

“What if I am?”

“I thought you didn't like alcohol,” Bam whispered, backing up to the wall.

“I love alcohol.” Ville put a hand on the wall beside his head and leaned over him, his slight height advantage making Bam feel very uncertain.

“No, you don't, alcohol killed your brother.”

“You shut up!” Ville raised his hand and Bam flinched automatically, even though Ville didn't follow through with the blow.

“Ville, please, why are you doing this? This isn't like you.”

“How would you know?” Ville laughed harshly. “You don't know me at all. Well this is it, Bam, this is the real me, how do you like what you see?” He leaned in again, sneering at Bam. “All you're concerned about is getting off, you don't care about anything else.”

“That's not true.”

“Isn't it?” Ville sneered again and leaned closer, rubbing his hip into Bam's crotch. Despite himself, Bam reacted, but how could he help it, Ville always affected him like this and he was a teenaged boy.

“I care about you.”

Ville leaned in close and Bam grimaced from the stench of alcohol on his breath. “Shut up.” Then he kissed Bam, hard, forcing his tongue into his mouth. Bam didn't know what to do, he wanted Ville, he always wanted Ville, but this was wrong, this was just going to make things worse.

He pulled away. “Stop it, Ville.”

“No.” Ville grabbed his wrists and shoved them back against the wall. “You wanna get fucked so bad, you got it.” He kissed Bam again, biting his bottom lip to get access to his mouth. The burst of pain made Bam gasp and Ville's tongue plundered his mouth again as the older boy started to hump against his crotch.

Bam struggled against him but Ville had more leverage and always surprised Bam with how strong he was considering how skinny he was. He managed to pull his mouth away and sucked in a breath. Ville bent his head and started to maul his neck instead, biting and sucking hard at his skin. It hurt, physically and emotionally and yet still Bam couldn't help getting turned on, couldn't help that Ville's pelvis rocking into his was making him hard.

“Ville, stop, please.”

“I said shut up!”

Without warning, Ville swung him round and had Bam bent face down over the armchair before he could even react. “Ville, please!”

The older boy pressed his forearm into Bam's back, holding him down. “Why? Don't you want it, Bam?” His arm snaked round Bam's waist and Ville grabbed his crotch, stroking his cock roughly through his jeans. “I can feel how much you want it.”

Bam gasped, pushing at the chair, trying to get up, but Ville was leaning all his weight against him, his own erection pressing into the seam of Bam's jeans and God it felt good, but this was all wrong and if he didn't stop him, it would probably hurt Ville beyond repair.

“Not like this, Ville, please not like this!” He wormed a hand down to where Ville was stroking his dick and caught his hand, holding on tight. “Ville, listen to me, please! This isn't you, please don't do this.”

“Yes it is, Bam, I'm the worst person you could have fallen for.”

“And you're trying desperately to prove it, but I don't believe you!” Bam squeezed his lover's hand. “Don't do this Ville, don't make it like it was for you.”

“Let go!” Ville's voice had changed, his tone wasn't so angry and out of control and Bam pressed on hurriedly.

“No, Ville, I love you, I'm never letting you go.”

“Don't say that!”

“What? I love you?” Bam pushed up and Ville let him, backing away, eyes wide. Bam kept hold of his hand. “I love you, Ville. You're right, I do want you, but not like this, I want you to be ready, to be happy... to be sober.”

“Oh God.” Ville snatched his hand away. “Get away from me.”

Bam shook his head. “Never.”

“I said get away!”

Bam jumped forward and caught Ville before the older boy could bolt. Ville struggled but this time Bam had the advantage and he held on tight. Ville screamed at him to let go, to get away but Bam refused.

“No, no!” Ville cried out, wrenching his hands up and clawing at himself. Bam grabbed his hands and held them down.

“Ville, stop, please, it's okay.” He wrapped his arms round the older boy, so Ville's arms were trapped and he couldn't hurt himself. “It's okay.”

“How can you say that?” Ville's breath hitched and he shook his head violently. “After what I just did, you shouldn't be here, you should go... you should go.”

Bam just held on, quietly telling Ville that he loved him over and over until, finally, he just sagged in his arms and started to cry. Backing up, Bam sat in the armchair, pulling Ville with him into his lap.

Stroking his boyfriend's hair gently, Bam just let him cry. He wasn't really sure what to do or say and he was terrified that whatever he did it would just make everything worse. It hurt so much to see his normally quiet and gentle lover like this. How had things got so bad that Ville was actually this drunk?

Ville's breath started to sound harsher and Bam pulled back a little so he could see his boyfriend. Ville's face was red and blotchy, streaked with tears, nose dripping and he was still the most beautiful man Bam had ever seen. Sighing, Bam kissed his forehead.

“Ville, where's your inhaler?”

“I don't...” Ville breathed in shakily. “Know.”

“You don't have it on you?” Bam's heart pounded a little harder, this was all they needed. Ville shook his head. “Is it in your room?”

“I don't know.” Ville's breathing started to speed up, getting noisier and more shallow and Bam really started to get scared.

“Okay, wait here, I'll go and look. Try to calm down, baby.” Bam kissed him again, gently, and shifted off the chair. Ville stared up at him, wide eyed, fear and something else Bam couldn't quite recognise darkening the green. “You'll be okay.”

He ran up the stairs and straight to Ville's room. Somehow Ville had tidied most of it up. He checked the drawers that had been replaced in the unit first, then started digging through the neat pile of Ville's ripped up clothes as methodically as he could manage considering how much he was panicking. After the clothes, he tried the bedding and under the bed, checking all around the room, even the secret cupboard but he couldn't find it anywhere.

“Shit.” Bam scraped a hand through his hair, trying to think. Maybe Ville had a spare somewhere. Bam ran back downstairs and screeched to a halt in the doorway of the sitting room. Ville was really, really pale, tiny breaths shuddering noisily into his lungs. He was curled up on the chair, eyes closed, fists clenched. Bam's heart skipped a beat. He couldn't waste time trying to find another inhaler, he had to call an ambulance.

Picking up the phone, Bam dialled 911, quickly giving the operator the information she asked for, then he called his mother.

“Hello?”

“Ape! You got come to Ville's.”

“What?”

“Right now, Ape, please.”

“Okay, okay, what's the hurry?”

“I have to take Ville to hospital, I need you to take care of his mother, please.”

“Oh my God Bam, what's going on, is Ville okay?”

“Asthma...” Bam heard a noise outside and looked out of the window. “I gotta go, please just come take care of his mother.”

“Of course, baby.”

Bam put the phone down and ran to the front door to let the paramedics in. “This way.” He led them to the sitting room and forced himself to stand back while they crouched next to his lover, strapping some kind of mask onto his face and talking quietly to each other.

“How long since the attack started?”

Bam blinked in shock, realising one of the paramedics was talking to him. “I don't know, I think five to ten minutes.”

“We need to take him in, where's his inhaler?”

“I couldn't find it, Ville didn't know where it was.”

“Is that his name?” Bam nodded shakily and the paramedic smiled gently. “Don't you worry, son, your friend will be fine.”

They got Ville strapped up on a stretcher and carried him out to the ambulance. Bam followed them.

“Can I come? Please, I have to be with him.”

One of the paramedics frowned at him, but the other nodded. “Of course son, get in the back.”

“Thank you.” Bam climbed in and sat next to his boyfriend, taking his hand and leaning over to press it against his forehead. He was barely holding it together, but he didn't want the older boy to see him upset. He breathed out slowly, “I'm sorry, Ville.”

“Not... your fault.” Ville smiled, lips so pale Bam could hardly see them.

“Now then, no talking young man, you concentrate on breathing.” The paramedic shook a finger at both of them. Ville nodded slowly and closed his eyes.

The journey to the hospital seemed to take forever and Ville's breathing didn't seem to ease at all. By the time they got there, Bam was on the edge of tears. He followed the stretcher into a room and sat down to wait, next to his lover.

“A doctor will be right with you.” The paramedic smiled again and put a hand on Bam's shoulder. “He will be okay.”

“Thanks.” Bam smiled weakly and turned back to Ville. The older boy's eyes were still closed and he seemed to be barely breathing anymore. Bam's heart was still pounding and he felt like he couldn't breathe himself. Finally, a doctor and two nurses came into the room and started to hook Ville up to various machines.

“Are you a relative?” Bam shook his head and the doctor pursed his lips. “Then you'll have to leave.”

“No!” Bam stood up. “No, please, he has no relatives who can come, I'm all he has.”

“It's true Doctor.”

Bam looked at the door and breathed out in relief. “Claire.”

“Ville's mother is an invalid, she won't be able to come to the hospital. Brandon is Ville's boyfriend.”

The doctor raised an eyebrow and stared at them both. “Very well, I suppose that will do. Nurse Rennie, can you see to it that this young man fills out the paperwork.”

“Yes Doctor.”

“Thanks Claire.” Bam sat down again, next to Ville now that the nurses had finished working round him. “What's happening?”

“Ville's unconscious right now, but don't worry, he's going to be fine. This is a nebuliser and it's helping him breathe. We'll give him oxygen for a while and I expect he'll be awake in the morning.” She patted his shoulder. “Are you doing okay?”

“I'm fine.” Bam barely looked at her, despite his gratitude for her help.

“What happened to your neck?”

Bam stiffened. “Nothing.”

“It doesn't look like nothing.” She bent over and frowned at him. “Jesus, Brandon, that looks like bite marks. What the hell happened tonight?”

“It's none of your business, Claire, thanks for your help but just leave it alone okay?” Bam glared at her. “And for Christ's sake call me Bam.”

She looked a little uncertain, but eventually nodded. “Well okay. I'll be back in a bit with the paperwork.”

“Sure.” Bam turned his attention back to Ville and sighed quietly. He just hoped she was right and Ville would be awake in the morning. “God what a night. I'm so sorry baby, I wish I'd never walked out on you in the first place.” His throat started to close up and Bam tried to swallow past his tears. “Maybe... maybe this wouldn't have happened to you.” Bam bent his head over, leaning against the bed and he wept, trying desperately not to lose it completely.

@>*~

Claire woke him a while later with the paperwork for Ville and Bam filled out what he could, although he didn't have insurance details. She stared at him the whole time and it made him very uncomfortable.

“Okay, what?”

She shrugged. “I guess I'm just curious. Are you two okay?”

“I hope so.” Bam couldn't quite smile. “I don't know what'll happen when he wakes up.”

“Did he hurt you?”

“What? No!” Bam frowned at her incredulously. “How can you ask me that?”

“Because you look almost as bad as he does.” She sighed quietly and squeezed his shoulder, taking the papers from him. “I'll be back in the morning, I take it you're staying.”

“Yes.”

“Okay, well, I'm on duty tonight so I'll make sure no one disturbs you.”

Bam managed a smile this time. “Thank you, really.”

“You're welcome.”

Bam took Ville's hand again, trying not to focus too much on how pale and fragile he looked, and kissed it gently. “I love you, Ville, I'll be here when you wake up, I promise.”

@>*~

Bam woke with a jerk, hearing something strange. He looked up automatically to check Ville and was horrified to see his boyfriend struggling against tears.

“Ville!” Bam got up onto the bed beside the older boy and carefully, avoiding tubes and wires, put his arms round him. “Ville, it's okay, you're okay now.”

“I didn't... I didn't think you'd be h-here.”

“Where else am I going to be?”

“Somewhere far from me, where I can't hurt you.” Ville turned his head.

“It wasn't your fault Ville. If I hadn't left, you would never have gotten into that state.”

Ville pushed him away and stared at him in disbelief. “How can you say that? There is no excuse for what I did and you mustn't make excuses for me!”

“I... but I should have stayed, we should have talked. Baby, I just wish you'd tell me what's wrong. I thought we were doing okay, but this week has been so hard.” Bam dropped his gaze, feeling himself well up again. All this crying, it was ridiculous.

“I know.” Ville took Bam's hand again. “I'm so sorry, Bam, I messed up it's just... will you do something for me?”

“Of course.”

“Will you go back to the house and check on my mother, tell her I'm okay.”

Bam was a little frustrated, it felt like he was being put off again but he nodded. “Okay.”

“And will you bring my notebook? It's hidden behind the bookshelf on the far wall of the sitting room.”

Bam felt his eyes widen in surprise. “Really?”

“Please, Bam.”

Bam leaned over and gently kissed Ville's cheek. “I'd do anything for you.”

“Oh Bam.” Ville's voice thickened and he cleared his throat. “Thank you.”

Bam didn't reply, just kissed him gently. “I'll be back soon.”

He didn't want to take too long. Bam had a feeling that Ville would start to beat himself up mentally and emotionally if he was by himself for any length of time, so he took a taxi.

At the mansion, he asked the driver to wait for him and ran inside, heading straight upstairs where he found his mother chatting with Ville's mother.

“Bam! How is he?”

“He's doing just fine, he's worried about you.”

Ville's mother smiled. “I'm okay now I know he is.”

“Thanks for helping out, Ape.” Bam very quickly kissed his mother's cheek. “Can I borrow twenty bucks?”

“What for?”

“The taxi.” Bam started to bounce, impatient to get back to his boyfriend.

“You took a taxi?” Ape stared at him in disbelief.

“I'm in a hurry, I don't want to leave Ville on his own for too long or he'll start blaming himself for everything again.”

Ape frowned at him but nodded, handing him some cash.

“Thanks Ape, bye Mrs. Valo, hopefully see you later.” Bam ran back downstairs and to the sitting room, digging down behind a bookshelf for the notebook. Then he went back outside and jumped in the taxi.

Back in Ville's room, the older boy was talking to Claire.

“Hey Claire, you still on duty?”

“No, I'm about to head home. I thought I'd pop in and see how you both were.”

“Thank you.”

“I guess I'll be going then.” She got up. “Take it easy on yourself, Ville, okay?” Ville nodded. “You too, Bam.”

“I'll try.” Bam sat on the edge of the bed as she left the room.

“You were quick.” Ville looked oddly relieved.

“I didn't want to leave you on your own for too long.”

Ville's lips almost made it into a smile. “How's my Mom?”

“She's fine, Ape's taking care of her.”

“Oh. Oh Bam, you, she...”

“Hey don't worry so much, Ape loves to help out.”

“But I.” Ville stopped and nodded. “Thank you.”

“I brought your notebook.” Bam held it out.

“I want you to read it.” Ville ducked his head down, not quite hiding, but not meeting Bam's steady gaze.

Bam heartbeat speeded up a little. “Really? Isn't it all in Finnish.”

“No, I got into the habit of writing in English when I was young. That was one of the reasons I was so upset when you tried to read it before.”

Bam took Ville's hand, waiting until his boyfriend looked at him properly. “Are you sure you want me to read it?”

“Sweetheart, I want you to read it. I need you to see...” Ville bit his lip. “This past week has been terrible and I'm so sorry. I don't think there's any way to excuse last night...”

Bam jumped in quickly. “Ville, it's okay.”

“Bam please, let me finish. It's not okay but I want you to see.” Ville flipped to the centre of the notebook and held it out.

Bam took it. “Okay Ville.”

***Thinking about Mikko and Linde has stirred things up. Things I don't want to think about. I hate it here sometimes, I miss home. Not Oulu, never Oulu, but Helsinki. Helsinki was my home, is the home of my heart. I can't stop wishing we'd never left, never gone to Oulu, never come to the U.S. And that makes me feel guilty because I love Bam. I love him so much that sometimes I can't breathe and yet still I wish that we'd never left Helsinki.***

Bam paused in his reading, trying not to let Ville's words affect him. He'd known the older boy missed Finland, but he hadn't realised quite how much and despite the hurt Ville's words brought him, Bam was more upset that Ville felt so lost.

***Will Mikko and Linde hate me? I've missed them so much, missed being in the band. I want to call them, I need to call them but I'm scared all the time. Well, not all the time, I'm not scared when I'm with Bam, he gives me strength, even when I worry about something going wrong with us, I'm not scared.

Facing my past, thinking of Mikko and Linde, brings up memories of happier times before everything went wrong and Dad lost his job and we had to move. I miss it. I miss Dad and Jesse no matter what happened. I loved them, I love them.***

The entry stopped abruptly, a section crossed out heavily and blotches that looked like tear drops stained the page. Bam looked up at his boyfriend, sorrow clenching his heart.

“Ville...”

“Just keep reading.” Ville didn't quite meet his gaze. Bam sighed and nodded.

The next entry was a few pages later after some pieces of poetry, scrawls in Finnish and a lot of scribbles.

***What am I doing? I'm acting either like an idiot and worrying about Bam or I'm being an asshole. I was the one who said we needed to talk about things but I'm finding it harder and harder to talk at all. I avoid it by withdrawing or turning things sexual and I know Bam is getting frustrated by all of it although he's tried so hard to be patient.

He is such a beautiful boy, inside and out, and I can't help but feel guilty all the time. I've turned his life upside down. He would be so much better off without me but even though seeing what he's going through, seeing the bruises and cuts that hurt me more than they do him, I can't let go, I'm too selfish.***

Bam stopped reading for a second, blinking rapidly to try and relieve the stinging in his eyes. “I could never be better off without you, Ville, I need you to understand that.”

Ville looked up in surprise. “I don't know...”

“Never!” Bam shook his head vehemently. “I told you before, if I didn't have you, I'd never make it through this and I meant it.”

“Bam.” Ville closed his eyes and leaned back against the pillows. “Wait till you've finished reading.”

Bam stuck his jaw out stubbornly. “My feelings aren't going to change.”

***And it's all because of me. His life might be normal if it wasn't for me, now more than ever I wish we'd never left Helsinki.***

Bam tried not to feel hurt by the words. He understood what Ville was feeling, he just wished his boyfriend didn't think he'd fucked up Bam's life, because he hadn't. With a sigh, Bam flipped to the next entry.

***I want to die. I want to die! This day has gone from bad to shit to hell. The house is a wreck and I don't even care. Bam and I argued again and it's all my fault. Now he thinks I don't trust him with my heart, I could see it in his eyes. God, I never want to see that pain, that despair and anger in his eyes again.

I made Mom cry, she hates it when I'm like this but I can't help it, it breaks my heart to think I've hurt Bam. He and Mom are my life and I keep hurting them. I wish I could just dive into nothingness, drown in a void. I need to_***

The entry stopped with more tear splashes and Bam realised that was when Ville must have started drinking.

“Did you really think any of this would change how I feel about you?” Bam spoke quietly, slowly looking up at his boyfriend.

Ville's eyes screwed up and he nodded. “I'm fucked up Bam, how can I keep doing this? I know how much pain and frustration I caused you this week.”

“You think I don't worry all the time about hurting you ?” Bam cupped Ville's cheek. “You're such a major part of my life now baby, you have my heart and I don't want you to give it back.”

“Bam.” Ville's voice choked up with tears and Bam leaned forward to hug him. “I'm so sorry.”

“Stop apologising, Ville. I know you're sorry, just tell me why you tried so hard to push me away.”

“Everything...” Ville sighed softly and gently pushed Bam back. “Everything is so messed up in my head right now Bam, I can't think straight, I don't know what I'm doing half the time. I just worry and react and it wrenches at my heart every time I see what life is doing to you.”

“Not life Ville, just a few pricks who are too scared of what they don't understand to see that it's just love. I know you worry, I worry about you.” Bam dropped his head to his chest. “I don't know what else to do Ville, I don't know what to say to convince you that you are the best thing that's ever happened to me and nothing can take away from that, especially not prejudiced bastards.”

“All I can think about is how everything would be okay if I'd never left Helsinki and you don't know how bad that makes me feel, Bam, but I miss it.”

“I don't believe that.” Bam swallowed hard, a lump of misery growing in his throat. “I know your life after Helsinki was shit, and I hate that, but I don't believe everything would have been better. Ville, my life is better because of you.” He looked up again, staring earnestly at his boyfriend. “Maybe you should go back.”

Ville looked shocked. “Wh-what?”

“Maybe you need to go back. I love you but I can't bear to see you miserable, I hate to see you torturing yourself like this.”

“Oh God.” Ville's eyes glistened with tears. “I really did push you away. I...”

“No!” Bam shook his head in avid denial. “God no! Baby, I knew it wasn't you last night, I knew it was fear and alcohol, I know you'd never really hurt me like you were hurt. I love you and that's the only reason I can say it, even though it breaks my heart.”

“Don't Bam, please don't give me that option, it might just tear me apart.” Ville's tears spilled over, trickling slowly and silently down his face. Bam felt himself well up and screwed up his face, reaching for his boyfriend who pulled him close and clung on tightly.

“I don't want to Ville, I never want you to leave me, but if you're that unhappy here, how could I be the one who prevents you from going back?” Bam cried harder as Ville's sobs increased. “Baby, calm down please,” he managed to choke out, worried that Ville would relapse. “Please.”

“I don't want to think about this right now, Bam, I can't think about it!” Ville took a deep, shuddering breath and sat back, wiping the tears from Bam's face with heart-breaking tenderness. “Don't cry Bam, please don't cry.

Struggling to get his emotions under control, Bam sniffed and rubbed his nose. “Sorry, Ville. I don't want to think about it either, but I think you might have to.”

“Just not now, okay?” Ville stared at him pleadingly.

“Okay.” Bam shifted round on the bed so he was sitting next his boyfriend and put an arm round him. “It's going to be okay you know.”

“I hope so.”

@>*~

It was almost the evening when the doctor came to see Ville and finally agreed to let him go home. Bam waited for the older boy to get dressed and then they took a taxi back to the mansion. Holding each other close, they headed straight upstairs to see their mothers.

“Ville!”

Ville kissed Bam's cheek and let go of him, moving over to the bed to hug his mother. “I'm okay, are you okay?”

“Better now you're home, honey.”

“You look worn out Bam.”

Bam smiled wanly at his mother. “I'm a bit tired.”

“Did you boys sort everything out?”

“Pretty much yeah.” Bam glanced over at Ville's mother and nodded, then he met Ville's sad, green gaze and tried to smile properly. Ville got up off the bed suddenly and swept Bam into his arms, holding on tightly. Bam wrapped his arms round the older boy's back and hugged back, needing the touch, the comfort to make him feel like he wasn't losing it.

“Stay with me tonight.”

Bam barely caught Ville's whisper but he nodded and glanced over at his mother. “Can I stay over?”

“As long as Annie doesn't mind.”

Ville looked back at his mother. “Please Mom.”

“I wouldn't dream of parting you two right now.”

“Thank you.”

“Well, Annie, I think it's time I headed home, I have two other boys to take care of.” Ape got up.

“Thank you so much for your help April. It was so nice to finally meet you, even if the circumstances weren't the best.”

“You too, Annie. Boys, be good okay.”

“Yes Mom.” Bam sighed and pulled out of the hug, but kept one arm round Ville's waist. “See you tomorrow sometime.”

“Sure honey.” She kissed his cheek and then Ville's too much to their surprise. Ville flushed and ducked his head against Bam's shoulder.

“Now boys, I'm absolutely fine for this evening, April cooked me a lovely dinner. I want you two to just spend some time together, okay?”

Ville smiled. “Thanks Mom, I love you.”

“I love you too, honey. Now go.”

Still holding each other tightly, Bam and Ville headed back downstairs and went straight out into the garden to sit in the middle of the heartagram.

Bam nuzzled his nose into the crook of Ville's neck and sighed quietly. “It's so beautiful out here, Ville, I feel like this garden's such a part of you that just sitting here connects me to you even more.”

“It's part of you too now, Bam.” Ville moved round so that they were facing each other and hooked his legs over Bam's and round his back. “You've put time and energy and love into this garden too.”

Bam felt his eyes burn and his throat close up again. Why did everything feel so final? Why did it feel like this was the last night they were going to spend together? He knew it wasn't but somehow it still felt like it and it filled him with grief. “Ville, are we going to last?”

Ville stiffened and looked away. “I can't imagine loving anyone the way that I love you.”

“That's not an answer, Ville.”

“It's the only answer I have, Bam, I don't know what's in our future. I just know that I love you and I don't want to let you go.”

“I love you too.” Bam took a deep breath and leaned forward so their foreheads rested together and he could gaze into his lover's beautiful eyes. “Kiss me.”

“Are you sure?” Ville looked tremendously uncertain.

“Of course I'm sure, Ville, I love you and I want you, how can you doubt that?”

“I don't doubt it, just after last night...”

Bam kissed Ville instead. “I wanted you last night too you know. Please, Ville, don't think about last night, think about now, think about how much I want to have you, feel you inside of me, how much I want that connection with you.”

Ville shivered and his eyes slid closed for a moment. “God Bam.” He lifted his face and kissed Bam, probing at his lips immediately and Bam opened his mouth eagerly to let him in. Urgency grew quickly and Bam lifted his hand to bury it in Ville's hair, dragging the older boy as close as he could get, their mouths moving quickly over each other, tongues tangling together.

He wanted so much more but Bam wasn't willing to push, he wanted to let Ville take each step and see where it would lead, despite the fact that he was already aching for his boyfriend's touch. The old fluttering in his belly was back and it increased his longing and Bam moaned quietly into Ville's mouth.

The older boy knelt up, pulling Bam with him, an arm sliding down his back to pull him closer. Bam felt the length of Ville's cock press against his and he gasped, bucking up instinctively. He breathed out heavily, “Ville.”

“Mmmm.” Ville slowly pulled back and Bam's mouth dropped open as he stared at his lover. The older boy's eyes were hooded and glazed, cheeks flushed and lips a little slack. He looked like a debauched angel and Bam wanted him so much it hurt. “Do you want to go upstairs?”

Bam couldn't get the words out so he just nodded, wide eyed with hope and want and love. Ville smiled lazily and got up, holding out a hand to him. Bam took it and let Ville lead him slowly up the stairs to his room.

“Sit down sweetheart.”

Bam sat on the edge of the bed and quicky toed his sneakers off. Ville smiled and removed his own shoes before sitting next to him, resting one hand on the bed behind Bam. He leaned in again and caught Bam's lips, sucking on them gently before his tongue slipped back inside and Bam sighed happily. Ville's hand cupped his cheek and he deepened the kiss, all Bam could do was sit and let the sensations wash over him, little shivers running up and down his spine, sparks of electricity lighting every nerve with need.

They shifted closer and Ville's hand slipped down to his neck, then to his chest, fingers caressing lightly. Bam pulled back to gasp when fingertips lightly pinched a nipple and Ville bent his head to kiss his neck, lips moving slowly over his skin.

It was getting harder and harder to let Ville take this at his own pace and Bam lifted his hands to unbutton Ville's shirt and slip underneath copying Ville's strokes over his own chest. The older boy moaned quietly against his neck and bit down. Bam yelped but his dick jumped in his pants and he pressed closer.

But Ville pulled back again and tugged lightly at the bottom of his t-shirt. Taking the hint, Bam pulled it over his head and threw it on the floor, while Ville removed his shirt fully. With a little gentle urging from Ville they ended up lying on the bed facing each other and the older boy continued to trace the lines of Bam's muscles, staring at him, following his fingers with his eyes.

Bam was torn between tenderness and the urge to just jump his lover, but he remembered Ville's previous admonishments for patience and let himself enjoy being loved. Ville was so quiet but he didn't have to say anything, Bam could see the love in his eyes, feel it in every touch.

Staring at Ville's beautiful pale body was doing little for his self-control though and soon, Bam couldn't resist touching, shifting closer so he could slip one arm round Ville's waist, pulling the older boy into a deep searching kiss, pressing his free hand to Ville's chest to feel the pounding of his heartbeat.

Ville moaned again and lifted his head, pushing so that Bam was half on his back. “You make me want to lose control.”

Bam smiled. “Maybe I'd like you to lose control.” Ville dipped his head and kissed him again, hard and brief.

“I was out of control last night.”

“That's not the same baby.” Bam slipped his hand down to cup Ville's ass and pulled his lover on top of him. Ville made a tiny noise in the back of his throat and rocked against him, dropping his head into his neck. “God Ville.”

“Mmm.” Ville's lips ghosted over his skin and then he bit down again, hard enough to hurt but it also felt good and Bam couldn't help tugging the older boy's hips down against him, trying to get a little relief as his dick seemed to get impossibly hard. “You taste good.”

His lover's hot breath tickled his skin and Bam wriggled, starting to run out of patience with his growing need to feel and see Ville's naked body, to get his dick out of the confines of his jeans.

“Ville, please, I need more.”

Ville reared up onto his knees and unbuttoned Bam's jeans. He slipped a hand inside, stroking up the length of Bam's erection all too briefly. With a groan, Bam dropped his head back on the bed and lifted his hips in a silent plea for Ville to take his pants off.

With a chuckle, Ville pulled them down his legs, rubbing his thumbs against his skin all the way down.

“You're so beautiful, Bam, God I wish I could just sit here and stare at you.”

Bam groaned. “Don't say that, I need you!”

Ville chuckled again and crawled back over him, one hand cupping Bam's balls through his boxers and rolling them gently. Bam jolted in shock, heat coursing through his body.

“Jesus, Ville, please, I want you so much, please.”

“Soon my love.” Ville smiled and kissed the centre of his chest. He licked slowly across to one nipple and looked up as he flicked his tongue across the tip. It was really too hot and Bam groaned, arching into the touch. Ville grinned against his skin and sucked his nipple into his mouth while he slid his hand up the length of Bam's dick.

Bam couldn't concentrate anymore, the sensations were too overwhelming and still he wanted more. He sucked in a shuddering breath and reached out for his lover, trying to pull him back on top of his body.

“Hey.” Ville caught his nipple between his teeth and nibbled gently. “Patience Bam.”

“What happened to losing control?”

The older boy bit harder and Bam gasped, a strange mix of pleasure and pain surging through him and his cock jerked in Ville's hand.

“Aren't I making you lose control?” There was a smug tone to Ville's voice that would have annoyed Bam if he wasn't so desperate for more.

“Yes, damn it.” He pushed his hips up against Ville's hand. “Please, I need you so bad.”

Sliding his tongue over Bam's abused nipple first, Ville started to move down, kissing a line down to his belly, tongue swirling briefly in his navel. It tickled and Bam let out a breathy laugh that turned into a moan when Ville continued lower.

The anticipation was killing him, but finally, Ville pulled his boxers down and off and settled between his legs on the bed.

Bam lifted up onto his elbows so he could see his lover. Ville buried his face in his groin, inhaling deeply and licking at his balls. Bam couldn't quite help a groan and his legs parted further of their own accord. Ville looked up and met his eyes, sticking his tongue out deliberately so Bam could watch him lick up and down the length of his dick.

Bam had no idea how he managed it but everything Ville did was always the hottest thing Bam had ever seen and it was all he could do not to shoot right then and there, just watching and feeling Ville lick him.

“Oh fuck Ville, I don't think I can last.” Bam tried not to let his head drop back, tried to keep watching but the sensations running through his body were making it very hard. Then suddenly, Ville stopped. “What?”

“Nothing sweetheart, relax.” Ville smiled at him and got up off the bed. Bam groaned in frustration. How the fuck was he supposed to relax?

As he watched, the older boy stripped off his own pants and stood naked, and a little shyly, by the bed, rummaging in the drawer of his bedside table.

“You're so gorgeous.” Bam sighed and wrapped his hand round his dick stroking slowly, staring hungrily at Ville's beautiful, hard cock.

Ville flushed, but glared at him and smacked his hand away. “No touching.”

“Even you?” Bam reached out and slid his hand down Ville's naked side. His boyfriend moaned softly and caught his hand.

“In a moment.” Ville kissed his hand and let go. “Let me get this first.”

“What?” Bam lifted up again and looked into the drawer. “Oh.” Ville pulled out a condom and some lube and Bam's heartbeat skyrocketed. He didn't question the fact that Ville was prepared, he assumed his lover had been thinking about it as much as he had and now, they were really going to do it, Ville was really going to fuck him. “Oh God.”

“We don't have to...”

Bam grabbed Ville and pulled him onto the bed, rolling until he was on top. He kissed Ville hard and urgent. “We have to.” Nuzzling Ville's neck, Bam kissed under his ear softly. “I need you to.”

He kissed up his lover's neck and along his jaw to take his mouth again as he slipped his hand down to wrap a fist round Ville's dick. “I want to feel you inside me, feel what it's like to be a part of you baby, please, I want you so much.”

“I want you too.” Ville breathed out heavily and kissed him quickly. “I need you to lay on your side, facing away from me okay?”

“Facing away?”

“It's more comfortable my love, trust me.”

“You know I do, I just want to see you.” Nonetheless, Bam rolled onto his side away from Ville. He felt strangely vulnerable until Ville pressed his body against his whole length. The heat of his lover reassured him. And the feel of Ville's erection against his ass made him feel breathless with need.

Ville kissed his shoulder and neck, one hand slowly making its way down his body, rubbing and caressing on its way. His lover cupped his ass and Bam's breath caught in his throat when slick fingers slipped between his cheeks and rubbed gently across the entrance to his body.

“Fuck.” His breath shuddered back out of his lungs, it felt so weird but really good.

“Relax,” Ville murmured against his skin.

“I'm trying Ville, but I'm kinda horny right now.” Bam didn't quite snap at his boyfriend, but his need was growing to desperate levels. But Ville just laughed softly and kissed his neck again, pressing harder against his ass. “Oh God.” Bam pushed back and Ville's finger slid inside him.

“Bam?” Ville sounded shocked.

“It's okay.” Bam sucked in a breath. At this rate he was the one who was going to need ventalin. He tried to focus on relaxing but it felt so strange and good in a way he hadn't thought possible. “Can you move or something?”

He felt Ville smile and nod against his shoulder and he slowly began to move his finger back and forth, letting Bam get used to the feeling. He relaxed and it started to feel good, really good and he wanted more.

“Ville?”

“Easy love.” Ville pushed him further over and gently eased in a second finger, pausing in his movements as Bam clamped down again. “You okay?”

“Yeah.” Bam fought to relax again, to enjoy the feeling of having some part of Ville inside him but it was a little uncomfortable, two fingers stretching him more than he would have thought possible. “Can you really get a dick in there?”

Ville started to laugh. “Just be happy you're getting any kind of prep.”

Bam cringed. “Sorry baby, I wasn't thinking.”

“Hush, Bam, I don't want you to be able to think.” Ville pushed his fingers deeper and crooked them inside his body and an explosion went off inside Bam. He arched back into his lover, a lightning strike of pleasure rocking his whole body.

“Holy fuck what was that?”

“Your prostate.” Ville stroked over the spot again and Bam cried out. It was almost too much, Bam felt like he was going to come and cry at the same time.

“Oh Jesus, Ville, I need you right now, please.” He didn't care that he was full on begging, he just needed Ville inside him, needed his lover to take him.

Ville's fingers eased back and out of his body and Bam found himself missing their strangely uncomfortable yet wonderful presence. He heard Ville opening the condom packet and slipping on the condom. He looked back in time to see his boyfriend stroke lube up and down the length of his cock and he swallowed hard. Ville looked so fucking hot, he could see his lover was as close to edge as he was and briefly wondered how he kept such a grip on his control.

Then Ville was pushing him back over with a gentle hand and sliding up behind him again, the slick length of his cock pushing between his cheeks. Bam bent his top leg up to his chest in a wordless plea for his lover to take him and Ville groaned.

“Just relax Bam and breathe.”

Bam nodded, breathing slow and deep. He felt Ville's cock press against his hole and tried to relax. The head pushed inside and Bam bit his lip, pain searing through his ass. But Ville stopped straight away and the pain eased to a burn quickly.

“You okay?” Ville sounded breathless and uncertain.

“Yeah baby, I'm okay. Just give me a moment.” Ville buried his face in Bam's neck again and nodded. After a moment, Bam felt himself relax again and Ville slid in a tiny bit further without pushing.

“Oh God Bam.”

Ville's voice was so strained that Bam was tempted to just shove himself backwards and take his full length in one go.

“Please Ville, just move, I'll tell you if I need you to stop.” Bam bit his lip and concentrated on relaxing.

“Are you sure?”

“Please!” While it still hurt, Bam wanted Ville inside him. He knew from Ville's fingers that it could feel good and he wanted Ville to fuck him, fill him up completely.

Ville grunted and started to ease forward breathtakingly slowly and Bam bit his lip, breathing into the pain until suddenly his lover stopped.

“Ville?”

“I'm inside you.” Ville sounded overwhelmed.

“Really?” Bam had been concentrating so hard on not showing Ville that he was in any pain, that he'd missed the fact that he actually wasn't really in pain any more and his body had accepted Ville's cock inside him.

It wasn't till Ville started to pull out that Bam really started to feel... and it felt amazing, the thickness of Ville's dick stretching him, completing him. It was almost too much.

“You're so tight Bam, oh God, I'm not sure I can make this good for you.”

“Ville it's already good, please just fuck me now, please, I need you so much.” Bam felt tears prick his eyes and he twisted his head back to try and see his lover. Ville stared at him with dark, worried eyes. “Please.”

Ville nodded and leaned forward to kiss him, sinking back into his body. Bam grunted. It still felt weird but any burning was slowly turning into a strange pleasure.

Ville thrust into him again, a little deeper and Bam gasped as his cock put pressure on his prostate. The older boy snaked an arm round his body and grasped his cock, slowly stroking along with his thrusts and Bam had to close his eyes.

It was the most intense feeling of pleasure and love and lust he'd ever had all encompassed into one moment, one insane, joyful fucking moment. He started to rock his hips, thrusting back against Ville's dick and then forward into his hand. And suddenly he wanted more.

“Harder.”

“Bam, are you sure?”

“Oh God yes, please!”

Ville's strokes speeded up and he plunged harder into Bam's body, setting off another rush of ecstacy. The tension in Bam's belly lowered to his groin and coiled tightly. His balls tightened and one more thrust from Ville was all it took. Bam cried out and jerked back into Ville's embrace, coming so hard he saw stars.

“Bam!” Ville bit down on his shoulder and shuddered, hips pumping into him until Bam could feel the heat of Ville's come inside him even through the condom. Bam dropped his head onto the pillow and he tried to catch his breath. He could hear Ville struggling for breath too but thankfully he didn't sound wheezy.

Ville kissed his shoulder gently where he'd bitten him and carefully eased back. Bam groaned at the strange sensation of loss and clenched his ass.

“Ow fuck!”

“Bam, are you okay?” Ville rolled him over staring down at him in concern.

“I'm fine I just shouldn't have done that.”

Ville's face went blank. “Done what?”

“Not that Ville,” Bam sat up and kissed his boyfriend gently, “that was the best experience of my life, I just squeezed my ass and it hurt.”

Ville's lips twitched and Bam started to frown suspiciously. Then Ville smiled and Bam pouted. Ville burst out laughing and Bam sighed, shaking his head.

“That's right laugh at my pain.”

“Why on earth would you squeeze your ass?”

“To try and stop you from leaving.”

Ville stopped laughing immediately. “Oh Bam, you are sweet. Weird but sweet.”

“God Ville, what did I say about calling me sweet?”

Ville wrapped him up in a hug and pulled him down onto the bed, kissing his hair. “Ah you love it.”

“I do not.” Bam pouted but let a chuckling Ville reposition him so he was lying half on top of the older boy. They lay together quietly, Bam gently stroking patterns over Ville's chest.

He felt good, loved, whole... really happy and yet, the sadness he'd felt earlier was returning. It was the sadness of knowing that his boyfriend wasn't completely happy, that a part of Ville had been left behind in Helsinki.

“Ville.”

“Shh.” Ville put a finger over his lips. “Don't Bam. Let this night just be us. Please.”

“Sorry.”

Ville slipped his fingers down to tip Bam's chin up and kissed him tenderly. “How do you feel?”

Bam hummed in quiet satisfaction. “Good, maybe a tiny bit sore, but I kinda like it.”

“You do?” Ville raised an eyebrow.

“It's a reminder.” Bam smiled widely. “It kinda feels like you're still inside me.” The sweetly happy surprise on Ville's face made Bam's heart clench in his chest and his emotions welled up, threatening to overwhelm him. He breathed out heavily. “I love you.”

“Oh Bam I love you so much.” Ville pulled him in even tighter and pressed his lips to Bam's temple. “So much.”

Bam buried his face in Ville's neck, breathing in deeply, then he pulled back.

“Bam?”

“Let's have a quick shower and get ready for bed, I want to snuggle with you.” Ville smiled and sat up, letting Bam drag him into the bathroom and into the shower. They rinsed off quickly and Ville gave him a towel which Bam wrapped round his waist so he could quickly finish getting ready.

It wasn't long before they were back in bed, under the covers, both still naked. Their shyness and awkwardness with each other's nudity was gone and Bam just cuddled in close and put a possessive hand over Ville's groin.

@>*~

Bam woke with a tickle in his nose and shook his head, moving to rub it with a finger. There was a muffled whine and he opened his eyes. Ville's head was buried in his neck and his hair was spread across Bam's face.

Sniffing, he brushed the hair off his face and smoothed it down over Ville's shoulder. Ville made a noise of complaint.

“What?”

“Don't want to wake up.”

Glancing over at the clock, Bam was surprised to see how early it was. “You don't have to.” He kissed the top of Ville's head. “Go back to sleep.”

“I can't.”

“Why not?”

Ville sighed and lifted his head. One cheek was creased from where he'd been lying and it made Bam's heart clench a little.

“Once I'm awake, I'm awake.”

“You mean you can't just roll over and go back to sleep?”

“No.”

“That sucks.”

Ville nodded solemnly. “Yes.”

“I bet I could think of a way for us to stay in bed longer.” Bam leered and Ville laughed at him.

“Oh really?”

Slipping a hand down under the sheets, Bam cupped his lover's balls and rolled them gently.

“God...” Ville exhaled heavily, pushing his hips forward. Grinning smugly, Bam slipped his hand up and round Ville's hardening dick. “I like the way you think.” Ville groaned and dropped his head back down, kissing Bam's neck and ear.

A tingle of lust shivered down his spine to his groin and he rubbed his erection against Ville's side. His lover moaned and pulled back.

“Wait.”

Bam bit his lip, impatient already, but watched Ville curiously as he reached for the lube on the bedside table. He squirted a small amount on one hand and threw the tube aside.

“Turn on your side.”

“Which way?”

“To face me.”

Unsure whether or not he was disappointed, Bam shifted onto his side. Ville hooked a leg over his hips and pulled him close, rubbing his cock against his stomach for a moment. Bam felt the slide of precome and his dick jerked in excitement.

Ville grinned at him and slid his hand between their bodies, pushing their dicks together and fisting them both.

“Fuck!” Bam gasped and bucked convulsively.

Ville breathed in with a shudder. “Yeah.”

Bam rocked up again. The feel of Ville's cock, the silky skin, the heat of it, against his own was almost overwhelming. He wrapped his hand round Ville's and tightened their grip with a groan of need.

They quickly found a rhythm, moving back and forth against each other, fucking the circle of their hands. Bam was lost in sensation, silk and heat, slick and tightness all combining to drive him close to the edge.

“Bam.” Ville sounded as breathless as he felt.

“Mmm?”

“Look at me.”

He opened his eyes, gasping quietly at the intensity with which his lover was staring at him. Green eyes were hooded, stormy with lust and yet so tender, Bam felt his heart pulse along with his dick, with love as well as sheer need and want.

Ville shifted even closer, noses touching as they panted and shared breath, their eyes locked together. Tension was building inexorably and Ville gripped harder, speeding up their joint strokes.

He watched his lover's eyelids flutter and then Ville was arching up against him, shooting over them.

“Oh fuck!” Bam cried out, his climax overwhelming him, almost shocking him, he'd been so intent on his boyfriend. His come added to the mess on their hands and stomachs.

Grinning, Ville leaned a little closer and kissed him hard, but way too briefly.

“God, you blow my mind.” His lover laughed and kissed him again, more gently this time.

“I love watching you come.”

Bam nodded in agreement. “Yeah, it's fucking hot.” He thought for a moment. “Ville, next time you fuck me, can we face each other?”

“You're sure you want to do it again?”

“Hell yes!” Bam exclaimed loudly. “I loved having you inside me, Ville, it felt amazing. I felt like I belonged to you.”

Ville smiled shyly. “Well, I guess we belong to each other then.”

“Yeah.” Bam tugged his boyfriend into a tight hug and kissed his hair. “I love you.”

Ville breathed in heavily, a little shakily. “I love you too.”

“Ville?”

Bam pulled back slightly so he could see the other boy's face. Ville's eyes were shining.

“Shit Ville, don't be sad.”

“I can't help it, Bam.” He wrapped his arms round Bam's neck and buried his face in his chest. “Because I don't know what to do and I love you so much.”

“I know, baby.” Bam swallowed against the lump starting to form in his throat. “Let's not think about it today, okay? Let's go out for a while, just us.”

“What about school?”

“School will have to cope without me, I'm sure it'll manage.”

Ville snorted. “You just want to skate.”

Hurt, Bam shook his head. “How can you say that?”

“Well don't you?”

“Of course I do, I always want to skate, but I want to spend the day with you more, okay?”

Looking contrite, Ville nodded. “Sorry.”

“I know. Stop reacting okay? I understand.”

“Yeah.”

Ville sat up and rubbed his eyes. “I'm going to take a quick shower and check on Mom.”

“Okay.” Bam lay back, sliding an arm under his head so he could watch his boyfriend as he crossed the room naked. He wiped absentmindedly at the sticky mess on his stomach and tried not to think about anything. He didn't want to be sad, didn't want to think about everything they still needed to discuss. They would face it later because they both knew it had to be dealt with. Just not now.

Hearing the shower stop, he levered himself out of bed and went into the bathroom. Ville was drying off and Bam sat on the side of the bath to watch, enjoying the uninhibited view of his lover's slim body. Ville just rolled his eyes at him.

“I'll see you downstairs.”

“Okay.”

Ville bent over and kissed him gently. Bam felt his heart lighten a bit and he smiled up at his lover.

He took a quick shower, got dried and dressed and ran downstairs where Ville was making breakfast.

“No weird muesli this morning?”

Ville laughed. “No, just toast.”

“Sounds great.” Bam walked over and leaned on Ville, hooking his chin his lover's shoulder to see what he was doing. “That doesn't look like any kind of bread I know.”

“It's rye bread. Mom doesn't eat wheat and I ran out of my own bread.”

“Okay.” Bam tried not to sound doubtful.

“Oh shut up.”

“I didn't say anything.”

“You didn't have to, just trust me.”

“I do trust you Ville, it's just that sometimes, your food...” Bam paused dramatically then dropped his voice to a whisper, “it scares me.”

Ville laughed again. “You can be such a drama queen.”

“Yeah well, it's called ADHD.”

“You might be hyperactive but I don't think you have any problems paying attention.”

“You haven't seen me at school.” Bam snickered.

“True.”

Ville handed him a plate and Bam went to sit at the table.

“I'll be right back.”

Bam nodded and started to eat. It was okay, but tasted really strong and the texture was weird. But he was hungry so he carried on eating, finishing just as Ville returned to join him.

“How's your Mom doing?”

“Not too bad.”

“Really?”

Ville sighed. “Really? I don't know. The doctors say she should be under constant supervision but I don't want to put her in a home and I can't afford a nurse.”

“Shit,” Bam sat back in his chair, “that's really...” He didn't know what to say.

“Yeah.”

“But you can't be here all the time.”

“I know.” Ville pulled a face. “Mom said she doesn't mind going into a home. I mean I guess she's probably pretty lonely here with just me, but it feels wrong.”

“Is that why you don't want to go back to Finland?”

“I thought we weren't going to talk about that.”

Ville's eyes darkened and Bam regretted having brought up the subject.

“It's one reason I can't go back.”

Bam stared at his lover solemnly but Ville refused to meet his eyes.

“She wouldn't want you to be unhappy, Ville, same as me. We love you and we want you to be happy.”

“I am happy.” Ville set his jaw stubbornly.

“Who are you trying to convince?”

Ville slammed a hand down onto the table, making Bam jump.

“Are you trying to make me miserable? Do you want rid of me so badly?”

“No!” Bam slid off the chair and knelt in front of his boyfriend. “I don't want you to go God damn it, okay?” He dropped his forehead onto Ville's knee. “Do you not have any idea by now how much I love you and want you here?”

Ville stroked his hair. “Then why keep asking?”

“I don't know. I always used to be selfish but your happiness means more to me than mine does, okay?”

Ville's grip tightened in his hair. “Fuck Bam! How do you do this to me?”

Bam looked up. Ville was crying again and misery tugged at his heart.

“I'm sorry.”

“I know.” Ville scrubbed at his face hard. “But that doesn't make this any easier.”

Bam slipped his arms round Ville's waist and lay his head back down in his lap.

“I know it doesn't.”

“We could go over and over this but there are too many reasons why I can't go back.”

“Can't or won't?

“There you go again!” Ville stiffened in his arms and Bam could hear fear underlying the anger in his boyfriend's voice. “I just can't okay? I have Mom and I have you, I'm happy. Now can we please drop it? Please?”

“Okay.” Bam knelt up and brushed a hand over Ville's cheek. “But...”

“But nothing, Bam. I don't want to even think about it because it's not going to happen, it can't happen.”

Ville was starting to sound defensive as well as upset and Bam didn't want them getting back to the way they'd been the week before, so he nodded.

“Okay, I'll drop it.”

The corner of Ville's mouth twisted. “Why do I get the feeling you silently added a 'for now' to that?”

Bam shrugged one shoulder because Ville was right, and sat back in his chair. “So, what do you want to do today?”

Ville blinked at him, obviously disconcerted by the abrupt change of subject. “I don't know.”

“Before I upset you again, what did you want to do?”

Ville flashed him a small glare before he answered. “Go for a walk I guess.”

“Okay, so let's do that.” Bam forced a smile. “I know a really nice place we can go.”

“The skate park?”

“Oh ha ha. No, not the skate park.” Bam stood up. “Do want me to ask my Mom to come over again?”

“No, I... I don't know.” Ville sighed heavily. “I don't want to put her out.”

“She'll tell you if you're putting her out, believe me.” Bam walked to the other room and picked up the phone, dialling home.

“Hello?”

“Hi Ape.”

“Oh Bam, is everything all right?”

“Sort of. Listen I need to get Ville out of the house for a while, just get away, you know?”

“I know. But what about school.”

“Ape, come on, this is more important right now.”

“If you say so.”

Ape had given up trying to tell him to go to school a long time ago.

“So why are you calling me?”

“Ville's worried about leaving his mother on her own. I was wondering if...”

“If I could come over?” She finished the question for him.

“Yeah.”

“The things I do for you.”

“Well, it's just, things are really difficult right now and besides, I think Mrs. Valo could use a friend.”

“Bam, I already agreed.”

“I know.”

“I'll be over in a while.”

“Thanks Ape.”

“You're welcome.”

While Ville was still in the kitchen, Bam took the opportunity to quickly call Dunn and let him know what was going on.

@>*~

They waited until Ape arrived and said goodbye to Ville's mother before Bam dragged a somewhat reluctant Ville from the house.

“Where are we going?”

“I told you, a place I know.”

“So you're not going to tell me.”

Bam grinned. “Nope.”

They caught a bus, Bam paying for both of them, and sat near the back. He kept an eye on the route, it had been a while since he'd been there and he wanted to make sure he didn't miss the stop. Ville seemed uncomfortable but Bam didn't want to draw attention to them by taking his boyfriend's hand.

Eventually, the bus reached the forest on the outskirts of town and they got off, following a trail into the trees. It had changed quite a bit, but Bam still recognised the stumpy tree that showed him where to turn. He took Ville's hand and led him off the path, deeper into the trees.

“Where are we going?”

“Wait and see.” Bam tutted loudly at his boyfriend and Ville snorted in mild amusement. Finally, the trees thinned out and they came to a clearing next to a tiny stream.

“Here we go.”

Ville looked round in surprise. “It's beautiful.”

“Yeah.” Bam nodded and went right up to the water. He pulled his sneakers and socks off and rolled up his pant legs, dunking his feet in the water and sitting on the bank.

“Dunn and I used to come here all the time before we got into skating.”

Ville joined him by the water, taking off his own shoes and socks to put his feet in the water.

“It's so peaceful.”

“Like your garden.”

Ville smiled and lay back. Bam reclined on his elbows and smiled back at his lover.

“You like it?”

“I love it.”

“Good.” He lay back and shifted slightly onto his side, reaching out to stroke Ville's chest. “It's good to get away sometimes.”

“Yeah, I guess.”

“Ville, you are allowed to think about yourself sometimes you know.”

Ville frowned. “What do you mean?”

“I mean you worry too much about others and you don't take enough care of yourself.”

“That's not true.”

“Yes, it is.” Bam cupped his lover's cheek and ran and thumb over his mouth tenderly. “And I agree with your mother, you don't eat enough.”

“I eat just fine.” Ville caught hold of his hand and kissed his palm. “I'm completely selfish Bam, and I'm glad of it because if I wasn't, I wouldn't have you.”

Bam laughed. “Come on, you remember what I was like at the beginning. You think I would have given up?”

“Hmmm true. Why though? I mean you didn't know me.”

“I guess I had a crush on you.” Bam grinned at Ville's expression. “What? I did.”

“A crush?”

“Sure. I mean I didn't realise it then but, well, you remember when I broke in and you were about to take a bath?”

Ville nodded, flushing lightly.

“You were so beautiful, I was fascinated. Even if I didn't know why at the time.” Bam felt like he wasn't explaining himself very well but at the time he hadn't had a clue why he was so fascinated. And he was glad because if he had, Bam suspected that he might never have gone back.

“You scared me. I couldn't understand why you kept coming back.”

“I know, I'm sorry for that.”

“It's okay. When I realised that you really weren't going to beat me up, that's when you started to get under my skin.”

“You make it sound like a disease.”

Ville pulled a face and shoved at his shoulder. Grinning, Bam rolled on top of his lover and pushed his hands back, kissing him. Moaning softly, Ville kissed back and Bam let go of his hands so he could bury his own in thick, dark hair. Ville's arms wound round his neck and pulled him even closer.

He pushed a thigh between Ville's legs and ground down making his lover gasp into his mouth. Bam lifted his head, rocking into his lover again.

“How about you get under my skin, now?”

Ville blinked widely. “Here?”

“Yeah.”

Bam breathed out heavily. The thought of Ville fucking him, right then and there filled him with heat and his cock hardened against Ville's thigh.

“I want you inside me again.”

Ville tugged him down again, kissing him hard. Bam could feel his lover's erection digging into his hip and he bucked against it. His tongue slid into the older boy's mouth, the taste of his lover's warmth sending an ache of want deep into his groin.

“Oooh hello! You boys want to add a third?”

Bam's head shot up in shock. Nobody ever came here, so why now? And why him?

“Well, if it isn't the cherry.”

Bam growled and let Ville push him up. He sat up and Ville half hid behind him.

“What the fuck are you doing here?” he asked the blond from the nursery.

“Cruising of course.”

“Cruising?”

“Don't tell me you didn't know this was a cruising site?” Nathan laughed at them.

“No, I didn't.”

“Is this the boyfriend then?” Nathan strode closer and Ville flinched. “Nice. I'd be tempted to stay faithful if I had a piece of ass like that at home.”

Nathan leered at them and Bam jumped to his feet, fists clenched. Ville got up slowly and put a hand on his shoulder.

“Fuck off.”

“Now that's not very nice is it? It's a free country. Come on, relax, it's a bit of fun.”

“I told you before, I'm not interested.”

“Before?” Ville sounded surprised and his grip tightened on his shoulder.

Bam sighed. “He propositioned me once.”

“And I...” Nathan clutched at his chest melodramatically, “was refused.” He eyed Ville. “Have you taken that sweet ass yet? You'd better before he gets a more tempting offer, after all if he didn't tell you about me...”

“You son of a bitch.”

“Feisty, isn't he?”

Ville suddenly stepped in front of Bam, shoulders tight with tension. “He said he's not interested now go away.”

Nathan's expression changed from cocky arrogance to a soft, almost sad frown. “So young,” he sighed, shaking his head.

“What's that supposed to mean?”

“It means I envy you your naļvety. You really believe you're in love, don't you? That love will conquer all.”

Ville shook his head slowly. “Love is all that matters and I pity you your cynicism.”

“I don't need your pity. Love doesn't exist, you'll find that out soon enough. You can find me here when you do.”

The blond turned and walked away. Ville sagged back against him and Bam wrapped his arms round his waist.

“Who was he?”

“He works at the nursery where I bought the orchid. He offered to let me blow him, I told him to fuck off.”

“Why didn't you tell me?”

“I don't know, because it weirded me out.”

“Because you wanted to?” Ville whispered.

“I didn't want to!”

“Really?”

“Yes really. Okay, so I kinda found him attractive, but then he was creepy and I couldn't get away from him fast enough.”

“Oh.” Ville pulled out of his arms and Bam sighed.

“Look, it was the first time- since I met you- that I consciously felt attracted to another guy and it was weird because I love you and I didn't understand it.”

Ville sat next to the stream again and rested his arms on his knees, hunching over.

“Just because you love me doesn't mean you won't find other guys attractive you know.”

“I guess.” Bam sat down next to him. “But it doesn't mean I want to do anything with them, you know that, right?”

Ville contemplated him for a long moment. “Yes.”

“Have you...” Bam paused and swallowed hard, wondering why he was even asking because he really didn't want to know. “Since you met me, have you, you know?”

Ville shrugged. “Ryan's very good looking.”

Bam spluttered in shock and horror until he caught the twinkle in Ville's eyes and he shook his head. “Man that's sick, don't do that!”

Ville laughed. “I'm sorry, I just wanted to see your reaction.”

“Revenge?”

“Sort of.” Ville tugged him close and slipped an arm round his waist. “It's okay, you know? Liking other people.”

“It feels weird.”

“It's normal though.”

“So have you?”

“Not really, but I don't get out much.”

“That's true. Maybe I shouldn't be encouraging that.” Ville poked him and Bam laughed. “Shall we get out of here? This place has lost its charm now.”

“Yeah.”

“I still want you.” Bam kissed his lover's cheek.

“Me too. Later.”

Bam sighed. “Yeah okay. Damn I wish one of us could drive.”

“Why?”

“Because cars are more private.” He leered at his lover and Ville laughed.

They put their socks and shoes back on and made their way out of the forest to catch the bus home.

@>*~

At the mansion, they found Ape and Dunn sitting with Ville's mother.

“Dunn man, what are you doing here?”

Ville went and sat next to his mother on the bed and Bam stood awkwardly next to his.

“I've got good news.”

“Oh?”

“Yup, we found the tower.”

“No way, already?” Bam jumped excitedly. “Where?”

“Pawn shop.”

“Is it okay?”

“Yeah, intact and nothing wiped.”

“Oh fucking yeah!” Bam grinned widely and hugged Ryan.

“What's going on?”

“Dunn found your computer!”

Ville looked shocked. “What?”

“Bam told me what had happened and asked me to do some digging.”

“Bam?”

“Well, I couldn't just do nothing Ville, your writing is important.” He clapped Dunn's shoulder. “What did you find out?”

“It was some guys at school. They think you use this place kind of like a hideout. I found out that one of them had asked around if anyone wanted to buy a computer. I uh, persuaded him to tell me what he'd done with it.”

“How much do I owe you?”

Ville stood up. “No Bam, it's my computer, I'll pay Ryan back.”

“But.”

“I said no.”

“Guys.” Dunn interrupted them. “You don't owe me anything, I made him buy it back himself.” He smirked evilly. “It was fun.”

“Who was it?”

“Bam, I don't want you getting into any more fights.”

“But Ville...”

“Ville's right honey, would you please think things through sometimes before reacting.”

“Aw Ape.” He had to resist the urge to stamp his foot petulantly. “Fine, I'll let it go.” He eyed Dunn questioningly and Ryan nodded subtly. He knew the guys had probably kicked seven shades of shit out of whoever was responsible and that would have to do. For now.

“How are you Mrs Valo?” he asked, abruptly changing the subject.

“I'm very well, thank you Bam dear. You boys weren't gone very long.”

“Yeah well, we ran into someone and it kind of ruined the place. Hey Dunn, did you know that place we used to go in the forest is a gay cruising site now?”

Dunn blinked. “No way?”

“Oh yeah.”

“Well, I guess I won't be going back there then.”

Bam laughed. “No, me neither.”

“You didn't get into trouble did you?” Ape looked worried.

“No, don't worry.”

“How can I help it with you?”

“Ape, I'm a big boy now, I can take care of myself.”

“Which is why you only got out of the hospital over a week ago.”

“That's not fair, I was jumped.”

“Exactly.”

“Is there any more news about that?”

“Not yet.” Ape sighed. “They have the guys who did it but we still don't know why they did it.”

“It'll come out in court, I'm sure.” Annie smiled softly at her.

Bam snorted. “If it ever gets to court, I mean how long is it going to take?”

“Patience Bam.”

“Why? They could have ruined my life, I mean what if I couldn't skate any more?”

“I know honey.” Ape patted his arm. “But you can.”

He pouted and crossed his arms. “Lucky for them.”

“Well, I should go.” Dunn stood up. “Some of us need to practise for the competition.”

“Ah you're just jealous cos I'm better than you.” Bam smirked at his best friend.

“You wish.”

“Why don't you all go, then April and I can have a proper conversation.”

“You want to Ville?” Bam asked hopefully.

Ville smiled and shook his head. “I knew you just wanted to skate.”

Bam stuck his tongue out. “Come on, you still haven't seen me.”

“Oh all right.” Ville let out a put upon sigh, but grinned and got up. He kissed his mother's cheek. “I'll see you later. Thanks for your help April.”

“You're very welcome, Ville.”

@>*~

They met up with the rest of Bam's friends -who'd obviously decided to cut school- at the park.

“Yo Bambam, you skating today?”

“You bet.”

“Cool.”

“Hey Ville.”

“Hi Ville!”

Ville nodded shyly and Bam kissed his cheek.

“Ready to watch the master?”

Ville snorted. “Sure. Who's that again?”

Raab laughed. “Funny!”

“Yeah, he's a laugh riot.” Bam pouted at his lover but Ville just smirked at him and sat on the bench.

Bam quickly found his rhythm and started competing with his friends, trying to get one up on them all. Some kids from another school were skating but they ignored them.

Until one of them cut right across Bam's line. His board flew out from under him and he landed heavily on his back.

“Motherfucker!”

“You okay dude?” Dunn offered him a hand up.

“Yeah.” Bam stared pointedly at the guy who'd cut him up and raised his voice. “Some people just need to learn some manners.”

The guy crowed loudly and Bam clenched his fists.

“Bam.”

He looked round at Ville and sighed. His boyfriend looked worried.

“I'm okay baby.”

Ville smiled softly. “Ignore them.”

Sighing, Bam nodded. “Okay.” He glanced at Dunn. “Let's skate the tails off these guys.”

Ryan smirked. “Not a problem.”

And it wasn't. They were all much better skaters than the other kids, they didn't need to start a fight, they just skated rings around them until the others finally brought the fight to them.

The guy who'd cut Bam up stood in the middle of the ramp, fists clenched.

“What is your problem dude? Get the fuck off the ramp.”

“Not till you fucking queers leave.”

“Oh for fuck's sake.” Bam shook his head. “This is getting really old.”

“Yeah.” Dunn stood next to him and they were quickly joined by Dico, Raab, Novak and the others. “You can't outskate us and you sure as shit can't out-fight us, so why don't you get the fuck off the ramp?”

The guy was joined by his friends and he smirked at Bam. “You faggots think you can still out-fight us?”

“Hell yes!”

“Bam!”

Glancing over guiltily, Bam was shocked to see two guys had a hold of his boyfriend and Ville was struggling against them. He didn't think twice, just ran over and launched himself at one of the guys, knocking him to the ground and pounding the hell out of him.

“Bam stop, please stop!”

Ville had dragged himself free of the second guy and had grabbed him. Bam stopped and let Ville pull him to his feet.

“I'm sorry, Ville.”

“You have to stop this.”

Bam looked down at his feet. He could hear the fight continuing behind them and he clenched his fists again.

“They shouldn't have touched you.”

“Bam...”

“I couldn't help it, Ville, okay?” Bam tugged his arm out of his boyfriend's grip and crossed his arms. “I wasn't going to fight, I swear, but they shouldn't have touched you.”

Arms wrapped round him and Bam sagged against his lover's chest. “If it had been you, what would you have done?”

Ville sighed. “The same thing.”

“Everybody okay?”

Bam looked up at Dunn, who looked hot and sweaty and had a cut lip, but was grinning.

“Yeah, you guys?”

Dunn nodded. “It's all good,” he said as he wandered off again.

“No, it's not.” Ville hugged Bam tightly then let go. “I think I'm going to go home.”

“And let them win?”

Ville frowned at him. “What?”

“Don't let some idiots chase you away. We have every right to be here.”

“I know that but it's bad enough knowing you're getting into fights at school, without witnessing it.”

Bam sighed. “Baby, the truth is we'd be getting into fights anyway. Me being a 'fag' just gives them another excuse.”

“Is that supposed to make me feel better?”

“I don't know.” Bam shrugged and looked at his feet again. “But it's true.”

Ville sat back down on the bench and leaned on his knees. “It's hard for me, you know that? After everything I went through at school, it hurts to see the same thing happening to you.”

“It's not the same though, Ville, we've been through this. I have help to get me through this.” He sat next to his boyfriend. “I don't know how you did it, Ville, really, I don't, but don't you think it made you stronger?”

Ville laughed bitterly. “Stronger? If I was stronger.” He stopped abruptly.

“What?”

“Nothing.”

Bam gritted his teeth against his temper. “Don't tell me nothing.”

“Fine, you want to know? If I was stronger, I'd be in Helsinki right now, okay?”

Bam felt like Ville had punched him. “So why aren't you?”

“Um, guys, are you okay?”

Bam glared up at Dunn. “No, we are not okay. We just go round and round in circles having the same fucking argument and getting nowhere.”

Ville stood up. “I'm going home.”

“You do that.” Bam didn't look up. Dunn sat down next to him.

“Are you just going to let him leave like that?”

Bam sighed and looked up. “I don't know what I'm doing man.”

“What was that about going to Helsinki?”

“He misses it Ryan, really badly. I told him he should go back.”

“Dude, really?”

“He hates it here, what am I supposed to say?”

“But what about you two?”

“I don't know. I really love him, it hurts to see him miserable.”

“You should go after him.”

Bam glanced at Raab in surprise, he hadn't noticed his friends gathering round.

“Yeah man. He loves you, we can all see that.”

Bam smiled sadly. “Thanks guys.” He got up and Ryan gave him his board. “I'll see you in school tomorrow.”

“Sure.”

“See ya Bammie.”

@>~

Ville hadn't had too much of a head start, Bam figured he could easily catch him with his board.

He spotted his boyfriend a few minutes later, stalking stiffly down the road, hands in his pockets, shoulders hunched and head bowed.

“Ville, wait.”

The older boy didn't even pause in his step.

“Please, Ville.” Bam stopped and picked up his board, jogging to catch up.

“Go away.”

“No.”

“Bam, leave me alone.”

“No.” He caught Ville's arm and pulled him to a stop. “Ville, please, I'm sorry.”

“For what this time?”

Bam blinked in shock, the harshness of his boyfriend's question cutting him deep. “I.. I.” Ville just stared at him, face totally blank, eyes emotionless. Fear pierced Bam's heart.

“God, Ville you aren't going to forgive me this time are you?” He dropped heavily onto the pavement, a huge sense of dread and finality weighing him down. His heart was breaking, he felt like he couldn't breathe. His throat closed up and he started to shake.

“Bam?”

Ville feet came into view and Bam stared at them, fighting against tears. He'd really done it this time, pushed his boyfriend to the limit. Ville moved away and Bam's heart stuttered, but then, he was sitting next to him and arms slipped round him. Bam couldn't quite believe they were real.

“Bam don't.”

He turned his head and buried his face in Ville's shoulder, bursting into tears. The older boy held him tightly and stroked his hair, rocking him slowly, letting him cry.

As he eventually calmed, Bam realised that Ville was singing softly.

“Please don't let it, please don't let it go.
Cause if you won't let it, I won't let it go.”

“I'm sorry,” he whispered.

“Why would you think I wouldn't forgive you.”

“You, you looked so... I thought I'd pushed you too far.”

“I was angry with you.”

“Was?”

Ville sighed. “It's hard to stay mad at you when you're crying like your heart is breaking.”

“It was.” Bam's breath hitched and he lifted his head to wipe his nose on his sleeve.

“I could never not forgive you, Bam. I love you too much.”

“I'm sorry for the fight, and losing my temper and I'm really sorry for what I said to Dunn.”

“Yes.” Ville's eyes narrowed. “Don't ever do that again.” He looked so angry again that Bam shook his head rapidly.

“I promise. That was really out of line.”

“Yes it was.” Ville sighed and stroked his hair back. “I realise he's your best friend and you'll tell him about things but that, that really hurt.”

Bam nodded. It was unfair of him to bring Dunn into an argument like that, it wasn't as though Ville had someone he could turn to... Bam gasped, his guilt rocketing.

“Oh Ville, God, I'm so sorry.”

Ville looked surprised. “What for, sweetheart?”

“I just, it must be really hard for you, I mean who do you turn to when we fight? I'm sorry I keep going on about having the support of my friends.”

“I wouldn't want you to be without it.” Ville smiled sadly. “Yes, it's hard, but I do talk to Mom sometimes.”

“It's not the same.” Bam sighed and stood up. “Come on let's get home, we're drawing too much attention here.”

It was true, there were a lot of people hanging around trying to pretend they weren't gawping.

“Okay, folks, show's over, hope we entertained you,” he said loudly. Few even had the grace to look embarrassed. Ville did however and Bam quickly pulled him to his feet and they walked back to the mansion.

“You want to see your Mom?”

Ville nodded and they headed upstairs. From the hallway they could hear their mothers laughing and they glanced at each other curiously.

“And that's Ville when he discovered the drums for the first time.”

“He's adorable.”

“Mom!” Ville ran into his mother's room and snatched the photo album from her hands and hiding it behind his back.

“Ville! We were looking at that.”

Ville glared at his mother. “Well, now you're not.”

“Honey, come on, they're lovely pictures.”

“Yes they are,” Ape agreed.

Bam grinned mischievously. “Really? Can I see?”

“No!” Ville shook his head vehemently. “Mom, I can't believe you even still have these.” He looked upset all of a sudden. “You never told me.”

“Oh honey, well, I just didn't think you'd want to have them around.”

Ville swallowed hard and looked like he was about to cry and Bam felt terrible for teasing. He hurried over and gently took the album from his lover and put it down, then he wrapped the older boy in a hug.

“I did though. I miss everything so much and I thought they were lost. I..”

“Oh sweetie I'm so sorry. I thought it would be too painful for you.”

Ville sniffed and kissed Bam's cheek before pulling away. “It would have been, I think. But not now. Have you still got them all, I want to look at them.”

“In the bottom drawer, Ville.”

Ville crossed the room and knelt down to open the drawer. He pulled out several more large albums and sighed loudly. “I think I'll just go to my room now, if that's okay?”

“Of course darling.”

Bam didn't really know what to say or do, so he just went to stand next to his mother and tried not to feel too dejected. This was going to be difficult for Ville and if it was something he wanted to do on his own, then Bam would have to respect that and deal with it.

At the door, Ville turned and looked at him.

“Sweetheart, do you want to come?”

Bam felt his heart leap and he nodded. “You sure?”

“Yes.”

He followed his lover to the door and turned back to smile at his mother. “See you later Ape.”

“Okay honey.”

In Ville's room, they sprawled out on the bed, the albums in a stack on the floor beside them. They started quietly, Ville just looking at baby pictures, flicking through the pages, not saying anything. As they progressed through years though, Ville started to speak, pointing out members of his family quietly, especially his brother and father.

Bam didn't comment on any of them, even Ville's cute baby pictures, just let his head rest on Ville's shoulder and listened.

Suddenly, they came upon a picture of Ville with two boys, one very shy looking and skinny with long blond hair, the other, chubby with insane hair stuck out in all directions. Ville stopped talking, stopped flicking, just rested his hand on the page and inhaled shakily.

“Is that them?” Bam asked softly, guessing they were Ville's two best friends.

“Yeah.” Ville bit his lip and pointed at the chubby one, “That's Mikko, but we nicknamed him Migé for the band.” He laughed suddenly, “Migé Amour, sounds stupid now.”

“No it doesn't.”

“You're sweet, but it really does.” Ville sighed again and pointed at the pretty blond boy. “That's Mikko too, Mikko Lindström, that's why we called him Linde.”

“What was his band name?”

Ville laughed softly. “Lily Lazer.”

“Were you a glam rock band or something?”

“Or something.” Ville smiled ruefully. “A bit glam yeah I guess, can't help it when everyone says you look like a girl.”

Bam pursed his lips in annoyance. “You don't look like a girl. You might be beautiful but you damn well don't look like a girl.”

“I was talking about Linde.”

“Oh.” Bam flushed and Ville smiled wider.

“Well, okay, me too but I never cared. Linde though, he cared, he hated it. Mikko used to say it was because he had barbie hair. Man, they fought over that sometimes. You wouldn't think it to meet Linde because he's normally so quiet and shy, but he argues like a dirty son of a bitch with people he knows well.”

Bam lay back and smiled as he watched his lover reminisce. It was nice to see him not getting upset, just enjoying the memories.

“Did you have a band nickname?”

Ville smiled. “No.”

“Oh come on.” Bam stared in disbelief.

“What? Don't you think Ville Valo works just fine on its own?”

“Well, I suppose so.” Bam rolled over and looked at the picture again. Ville looked so young and happy. If he was beautiful now, he was definitely pretty then, hair much shorter and curling round his temples, liner ringing his eyes which were lit in a way Bam didn't think he'd ever seen.

“You look happy there,” he whispered.

“I was happy.” Ville sighed and kissed his hair. “Doesn't mean I'm not happy now.”

“I've never seen you look like that though.” Bam spoke quietly, hesitant about upsetting the older boy which he thought he might.

Ville looked away. “I was fifteen in that picture Bam, things change when you grow up, you know that.”

“I know.” Bam slipped an arm round him and leaned on his shoulder again. He watched quietly again as Ville continued to turn the pages. It was the last album and there was nothing after Ville's sixteenth birthday party.

“We left Helsinki not long after.” Ville shut the album and put it on the floor, then dropped his head onto his arms and sighed. “I'm sorry.”

“What for?”

“That was... strange.”

Bam frowned, he didn't quite understand. “Strange how?”

“It was like looking at a part of me that doesn't exist any more. I feel like... I don't know I think maybe I have moved on in some way.”

“Well, that's cool, isn't it?”

Ville shrugged. “I don't know. Yes, I suppose so. It doesn't hurt to remember quite as much.”

Somehow Ville's quiet admission just made Bam feel more sad and he pressed himself close to the older boy, nuzzling into his neck, not quite sure if he was comforting his lover or himself.

“Bam?” Ville sounded confused.

“Yeah?”

“Are you okay?”

Bam sighed and raised his head again. “Yeah.”

“You don't look okay.”

“I guess I feel a little sad,” Bam admitted.

“Why?” Ville cupped his face gently.

“I don't know. I mean, I'm glad you've been able to share this with me but I just.” He stopped and sighed again.

“Just what, sweetheart?”

“I guess I just can't shake the feeling that you're giving up part of yourself.”

“Bam...”

“I know, I know. We keep going over the same thing and I'm sorry but I can't help it.”

“I don't want you getting upset over this, Bam,” Ville frowned sadly, “You have to let it go. Please, for my sake as well as yours.”

“I'll try.”

Bam rolled over onto his back and crossed his arms behind his head to stare up at the ceiling. He didn't want to get upset over it any more, it broke his heart either way and it was getting too much.

He glanced over at his lover who was still lying across the bed sideways, head hanging off the edge. He looked beautiful and Bam's heart tightened. He poked Ville with his toe.

“Hey!”

Bam grinned. “I was thinking.”

“Uh oh.” Ville pulled a face at him.

“Very funny.” Bam pouted. “Fine, I won't suggest you come and distract me by fucking me stupid.” He shut his eyes and tried not to grin at Ville's sharp intake of breath. The bed shifted around him and he felt Ville crawl over him, not quite touching him. Hot breath ghosted over his cheek, then his neck and ear. It made him shiver.

“Do you know what you do to me?”

Bam didn't open his eyes. “What do I do to you?”

Ville took his hand and pulled it down, pressing it to his crotch. The older boy was half hard and getting harder and Bam bit back a moan as his own cock pulsed with need. He stroked the bulge in Ville's pants teasingly lightly. His boyfriend made a noise of frustration, yanked his hand away and lay on top of him, rocking into his groin hard.

“Fuck, Ville!”

“That was the suggestion wasn't it?”

Want and need shot through Bam at his lover's strained response and he bucked up against Ville, wrapping one leg round slim hips to draw him even closer.

“God, how do you get me so hot?” he muttered.

Ville lifted his head and stared down at him, green eyes wide and slightly glazed, just for a second, then he dived down and caught Bam's mouth, plunging his tongue straight inside. Moaning again, Bam just held on, rocking up into every thrust of his lover against him, accepting the assault against his mouth with parted lips and an eager tongue.

His cock throbbed in his pants, his entire body was tight with need, but most of all, he ached to be filled again, ached to have Ville inside him.

His lover's hands roamed over his body, then slipped under his t-shirt, stroking, rubbing, scratching, Bam couldn't keep up with all the sensations. He felt like he was going to lose his mind.

“Ville,” he gasped, “Ville, wait.”

The older boy was up and off him in a split second and for a moment, Bam was too confused to speak.

“Sorry.” Ville looked horrified and terrified. “God, I'm sorry.”

“What? Oh no, Ville, I didn't mean...” Bam sighed and sat up, reaching out to gently rub Ville's shoulder. “You don't understand what you do to me, how much you turn me on. It was all about to be over far too quickly.”

Ville blinked at him. “You mean...”

“I was about to come in my pants, baby. I just wanted to slow it down.”

Staring at him for a long moment, Ville's expression turned from doubtful to sly. “You should have come.”

“What?”

“You should have come, darling.” Ville turned and knelt between his legs. “I would have undressed you, licked you clean and sucked you till you were hard for me again.”

Bam groaned, his cock pressing insistently at his zipper. Ville grinned wickedly and started to rub his crotch.

“You like that, don't you? You love it when I slide my mouth down your cock, lick you, suck you until you explode and I swallow you down.”

“Oh fuck.” Bam gasped, arching into his lover's touch, “Yes, please.”

“Please what?” Ville pulled away and Bam groaned in disappointment.

“Your mouth, please Ville, please.”

“Get undressed.”

Nodding, Bam stood and stripped quickly, not even trying to tease his lover he was so desperate already. Ville just knelt on the bed and watched him.

“Lie down.”

Bam did as he was told, lying on the bed and spreading his legs hopefully.

“You're so sexy.” Ville smiled at him and knelt between his legs again. He trailed a finger up Bam's dick and swiped off some precome. Bam watched, dry mouthed, his lover lick his finger clean.

“Christ Ville, I'm going to last about two seconds at this rate.”

Ville smirked.”That long? We'll have to do something about that.”

Swallowing almost nervously, Bam raised his eyebrows. “What?”

“How about I don't touch you,” Ville started, looking thoughtful.

Bam thought he actually might explode this time. “That really doesn't work for me!”

Ville laughed. “Really? What would work for you?”

“Ville, please stop teasing me,” Bam begged. “Suck me, fuck me, do something, please.”

Ville shook his head. “My God, you have no idea how hot you are when you're desperate. I want you so much.”

“Then please fuck me, Ville!” Bam started to sit up, he wanted to shake the older boy he was getting so fucking frustrated. His dick was so hard he was going to come just from arguing with his lover the way things were going. Ville shoved him back again.

Sucking on his finger first, Ville slipped a hand between his legs and stroked gently at the soft skin under his balls. Electricity shot through him and Bam pushed down into the touch, hoping, praying his lover would move lower and slide into him. But Ville pulled back again and Bam felt his dick spurt out more precome. God, he was so close and not only was Ville barely doing anything to him, he was still fully dressed.

He couldn't take any more. Bam lay back, spread his legs wider and wrapped his fist round his cock.

“Oh no you don't.” Ville grabbed his hand and pushed him right back, forcing his arms over his head.

“Ville!” Bam screamed, “Please, just please, I can't take any more, I need you! Please!”

“Hush darling. Promise me you won't move and I'll make you come till you see stars.”

Biting back tears of need and frustration, Bam nodded. “Anything.”

Ville lifted off him again and let go of his arms. Somehow Bam managed to hold still and not touch himself like he so desperately wanted to. Ville unzipped himself and pulled his dick out, Bam licked his lips and took a deep breath. Then the older boy shifted right down to lie between his legs and Bam sighed. Finally, finally, Ville was going to blow him.

But Ville pushed his legs further back and nudged under his balls and suddenly, wet warmth probed the entrance to his body.

Bam squeaked, so completely unprepared that he wasn't sure how to react. Ville licked right across his hole and the sensation washed over Bam in a shock of pleasure.

“Ville,” he breathed.

The older boy pushed into him with his tongue and everything inside Bam just broke apart, all his tension and frustration released into orgasm as he yelled Ville's name and jerked into the touch, his come shooting out all over his belly.

“Oh my fucking God!” Bam panted, his whole body trembling as Ville continued to lick into his body, stretching and lubricating him. “Ville, you better be fucking me now.”

Ville lifted his head and Bam groaned at the loss of sensation. His lover smiled darkly.

“I'm going to fuck you stupid remember?”

“Now?” Bam asked hopefully.

Ville didn't reply just leaned over to get a condom and the lube. He rolled the condom on with a quiet hiss, cock straining between his fingers, and Bam felt a tingle in his groin just watching, there was something so hot and dirty about the fact that Ville was still half dressed. Ville spread lube on his dick and fingers and moved back between Bam's legs.

He slipped two fingers straight into Bam's ass and pushed in deep. Even though he knew he needed more preparation, Bam was sure Ville was as frustrated as he had been and he pulled Ville's hand away.

“Just fuck me, baby.”

“But I...”

“Ville, I'm ready. Fuck me.” He tugged Ville down and pulled his legs back, moaning softly when his lover's dick slid into the crease of his ass, his jeans rubbing against his cheeks.

“God Bam.” Ville swallowed audibly and reached down, positioning his cock at the entrance to Bam's body. “Sure?”

“Ville! Are you trying to torture yourself now?” Bam grunted impatiently, reached down to cup Ville's ass and pulled him inside. There wasn't as much pain as he was expecting, his orgasm must have relaxed him more than he'd thought, but it was still enough to take his breath for a moment.

“Oh God, Bam!” Ville lifted his head and stared at him wide-eyed, teeth gritted. “You okay?”

Taking a deep breath and forcing himself to relax, Bam nodded. “Yeah, I just couldn't wait any longer.”

The older boy let out a choked laugh and shook his head. “I don't want you to hurt yourself.”

“Then you shouldn't tease me till I beg.” Bam shifted under his lover, gingerly clenching and relaxing his ass to try and adjust. Ville groaned, eyelids fluttering.

“Oh you like that huh?”

“Yes,” Ville gasped. “You have no idea how tight and hot you are, how much I just want to fuck you hard and fast, fill you with come.”

Bam shut his eyes, his dick throbbing already as his boyfriend's words sent tremors of lust through him again.

“I want you to fuck me, Ville, I want you to.”

“Oh God.” Ville groaned and squeezed his eyes shut as he started to move, a slow withdrawal that sent a shudder of pleasure up Bam's spine. He paused, just the tip of his cock inside Bam, then pushed back inside, hard but shallow.

Bam arched up, wrapping his legs round his lover's waist, digging his heels into his hips to encourage him. Ville pumped into him, short, hard strokes that had Bam gasping and his cock hard in seconds. Very quickly, it wasn't enough.

“Deeper.”

Ville's eyes opened, dark and wild and Bam almost felt nervous. “Can't control myself if I go deeper.”

“I don't care, Ville, I want you in me.”

Ville groaned and plunged harder inside him, longer strokes that took him deeper inside Bam, rubbing against his prostate with every thrust. Tension was building in him already and he couldn't believe Ville still hadn't come. He tightened his legs and rocked up into every thrust, squeezing down around his lover's thick length.

“Bam!” Ville slammed hard into him, losing his rhythm completely, just pounding into Bam's ass, arms trembling. Bam just watched in awe, as his lover arched once more deep inside him, head thrown back, eyes tight shut, beautiful in his climax. He felt the heat of the older boy even through the condom and sighed happily, reaching down to jack himself as Ville shuddered against him.

Ville half knelt, half hunched over him, panting heavily, eyes hooded as he watched him jerk off, cock still buried inside him. He pulled out and replaced his cock with his fingers, pushing deep into Bam and reaching to caress his prostate.

“Oh fuck!” Bam pushed down hard against his lover's fingers, tightening his grip. Electricity shot through him, heat and tension releasing as he came and he spurted all over his hand.

Ville didn't remove his fingers and Bam loved the feeling that they were still connected as they recovered their breath. Soon they were breathing synchronously and Bam grinned at his lover.

“We're a fucking mess.”

“I know.” Ville smiled softly and him and leaned over to kiss him. “We can shower.”

“Together?” Bam tried not to look too eager but knew he'd failed when Ville chuckled at him.

“Of course.”

“Great, just let me recover a bit first.”

Ville nodded and carefully withdrew his fingers from his ass. Bam grunted in slight disappointment even though it wasn't the slightest bit realistic to always have a part of Ville inside him, he loved that feeling of connection so much. He watched Ville remove and tie off the condom before throwing it away.

He looked round the room, still a mess from the graffiti and broken furniture and frowned thoughtfully.

“Ville?”

“Yes sweetheart.”

“If you're going to stay here we're going to have to do something.”

Ville frowned at him, looking a little tense.

“What do you mean?”

“Do the place up a bit, make it more secure you know?”

“Bam...”

“Ville, I'm serious, you shouldn't have to live in a broken down old dump. This place could be really nice you know.”

“And where am I supposed to find the money for that, Bam? Mom's medical bills are crippling us.”

Bam rolled onto his side with a sigh. He really didn't want or need another fight with his lover, especially not after the day they'd had, so much had happened in such a short space of time, it was nearly enough to mess with his sanity.

”I know that Ville, I meant me and the boys can do it, we build stuff all the time. It'll be fun, you know?”

Ville was still frowning at him and Bam pulled at him, pressing close, getting his sticky come all over both of them and not caring.

“Let me do this for you, please? I want to.”

“I don't know.”

“Look, it's for me just as much as it's for you, okay? I want to know that you're safer here, that's all.”

Ville sighed and buried his face in Bam's neck for a moment.

“I don't know what I did right to deserve you, but I thank God for it.” Ville lifted his head and smiled softly. “Fine, if you really want to fix my house you strange, masochistic boy, you can.”

“Really?” Bam hadn't expected Ville to agree so easily and he was surprised and very happy.

“Yeah sure.”

Bam got off the bed slowly and held out a hand for his lover.

“Strange, masochistic boy?” Ville nodded at him and Bam pouted.

“First off, I'm not a boy.” He grabbed his crotch for emphasis and Ville snickered at him.

“And I like doing stuff for you, that doesn't make me strange and nor does liking manual labour make me masochistic.”

“If you say so,” Ville said with a smile and a shake of his head. He took Bam's hand finally and got up.

“Can we shower now? It's starting to get itchy.”

“Well, we can't have that.” Ville led him, snickering, to the bathroom where they got into the shower together and just held each other for a long time. Only the water starting to cool off made them wash and get out to dry and dress themselves again.

“Maybe we should go and see what our mothers are doing.”

Bam grimaced. “Damn I'd forgotten they were even in the house. Did we... you know, make much noise?”

Ville's lips trembled and he made a noise suspiciously like a giggle. Bam glared at him.

“Don't laugh, I'm serious.”

“I'm sorry,” Ville laughed. “It's just you did scream at me at least once.”

Bam blinked, trying to remember anything other than the sensations and love he'd felt, but he couldn't.

“I screamed at you?”

“Not in a bad way.” Ville smirked at him. “In a begging way.”

Bam winced, “You mean my mother might have heard me begging you to fuck me? Oh, that'll go down well.”

“My mother might have heard too.” Ville raised an eyebrow at him.

“Yeah sorry,” Bam sighed. “It's just Ape already tried talking to me about sex with you and it was messed up.”

“I assume she asked how old I was.”

“Yeah.”

“Sorry I wasn't thinking when I said it.”

“Dude, you're only twenty, I'm eighteen in like a month, it's not a big deal and I told her that.”

Ville looked doubtful and Bam shook his head.

“You're not still caught up on the taking advantage thing are you?”

“No. No, I was just thinking, what the hell am I going to get you for your birthday?”

Bam grinned widely. “An extra big box of condoms and lots of lube will do just fine.”

“Well that's a given,” Ville said with a snort. “No, Bam, it needs to be special, it's your eighteenth.”

“Ville, don't worry about it, you said it yourself, you haven't exactly got money to spare.” Bam leaned over and kissed his boyfriend's cheek. “Come on let's go and face the music.”

Ville shook his head but smiled and took his hand and they headed back out of Ville's room.

@>*~

“You fucking whore!”

Bam giggled and ran for it, Raab chasing after him with the remainder of the paint he'd just tipped all over him. He turned and swerved round Raab, heading back the other way, laughing manically. The others just stopped painting and laughed at them both. He had to jump over Novak's leg which had magically appeared in an attempt to trip him up and he coursed round to the back.

He skidded to a halt, staring in shock as Ville and Dunn jumped to their feet looking oddly guilty. A sick feeling burned in the pit of his stomach and Bam barely noticed Raab tipping the paint over his head.

“Oh Bam.” Ville shook his head and hurried over to him, trying to wipe paint out of his eyes with his sleeve. Bam forced a smile and let his boyfriend take care of him.

“Have you nearly finished painting then?”

Bam nodded but didn't reply, he still felt a little ill. Things had been going so great, he and the boys had been doing up Ville's house for over three weeks now and his boyfriend was finally starting to open up a bit, laughing and joking with his friends, although he'd warned each of them that if they ever pranked Ville he would kick their asses.

Between school going better, getting loads of skating in, sorting out Ville's house and unbelievable sex, Bam had been pretty damn happy. Until he'd noticed something. Ville and Ryan seemed to be getting very close. Not that Bam resented his lover making friends, good friends... not really, although it still gave him a twinge of jealousy not having Ville all to himself any more.

No, it was the fact that he kept seeing them together, huddled up, whispering, then acting really strange if he 'caught' them, like everything was normal. But it wasn't and Bam knew it. Something was going on and while his heart refused to believe either of them would ever do anything to hurt him, his head kept screaming at him that something was very wrong.

He didn't know what to do about it either because the thought that either his best friend or his lover could betray him broke his heart. It wasn't possible. He couldn't, wouldn't believe it. He had to trust them because he loved them.

“Come on, sweetheart, you need a shower.”

Taking a deep breath, Bam looked up finally and smiled at the love he could see in Ville's eyes. He had to stop being so paranoid. Ryan was their friend that was all, he was trying to draw Ville out of himself a bit because he knew some of what the older boy had been through.

“Hey, what about me?” Raab glared at him.

“You're not sharing a shower with me and Ville, dude, that's just wrong.”

Raab looked a little shocked. “You're gonna... you share?”

Bam tried not to look smug. “Hell yes we share.”

“Bam.” Ville sounded annoyed but when he looked up, Bam could tell he was trying not to laugh.

“Baby, come on, I get to shower with the sexiest guy on the planet, you have to let me boast a little.”

Snorting, Ville pushed him towards the door. “Sexiest guy on the planet? You're insane.”

“Insane about you, yeah.”

“Oh man, I'm going home for a shower, you guys are just too sickly sweet.” Raab turned and started to walk away while Dunn just stood awkwardly, looking at the ground.

“Ryan, can you tell the guys thanks, I don't think we're going to make it back outside.” Bam wanted him gone now, so he didn't have to think, or worry.

“Sure, see you tomorrow then.” Ryan looked up, but not at him and Bam glanced back to see his boyfriend smiling softly at his best friend.

Heart aching, he pushed past Ville and strode quickly up to the bathroom. He couldn't pretend he hadn't seen that.

“Bam?”

He locked the bathroom door and stripped off slowly, wiping off most of the paint onto his t-shirt as he tried to maintain some sort of control. “Let me just get this paint off, Ville.” He didn't know how he kept his voice steady but he did.

“I thought you wanted to share.” Ville sounded confused.

“I know, but I'm starving and if we shower together we'll never get round to dinner.”

“Oh.” There was a long silence and Bam knew somehow that Ville was leaning against the door. “Okay, I'll go put some food on.”

“Thanks baby.” He waited to hear his lover's footsteps away from the bathroom before he curled up in a ball on the floor and cried. It wasn't possible, it couldn't be possible.

Arms wrapped round him and Bam started in shock. Of course he'd forgotten the door from Ville's bedroom and the footsteps away had been his lover coming round the other side.

“Sweetheart, what's wrong?” Ville whispered.

“Nothing.”

Ville sighed, “I thought we weren't doing this anymore.”

Bam let out a short sobbing laugh. “I'm not the one not talking, Ville.”

“What do you mean?”

He sighed, “Nothing.”

“Bam, this isn't nothing, you go from leering over me to locking me out of the bathroom and crying when you think I've gone, what's wrong?”

Shutting his eyes, Bam took a deep breath and sniffed back tears.

“If anything had changed between us, you'd tell me, wouldn't you?”

“Changed? I don't understand.”

“If you.” Bam stopped, he couldn't get the words out, his heart hurt too much and he felt like he was going to be sick. Funny how Ville's arms were still the only place he wanted to be, even though his lover was the cause of his pain.

“Bam darling, what? If I what?” Ville was starting to sound scared and it made Bam look up. Seeing the love and concern in those big green eyes made Bam wonder how he could ever doubt his boyfriend, but he hadn't imagined that look. He knew he hadn't.

“If you... if your feelings had changed.”

“Bam, they change every day.”

The pain got worse and Bam gasped. “What?”

“My feelings for you change every day, my love. They get deeper and deeper until sometimes I wonder how I could possibly love you so much and not drown in it.” Ville sighed and shook his head. “Didn't you know that?”

Confusion and love and pain all mixed up inside Bam until he didn't know what to think. “No.”

“How can you say that?” Ville pushed him back and stared at him, eyes huge with hurt.

“I don't know!” Bam curled in on himself again, scraping his hair out of his face to stop the paint getting in his eyes. He'd fucked up badly somewhere and he still hurt so much because all he could see when he closed his eyes was that smile Ville had directed at Dunn.

“Bam, tell me what all this is about. Right now.” Ville's voice was harsh and upset and Bam flinched.

“You.”

“What about me?”

“You and Dunn.”

“What?”

The sudden chill in the atmosphere made Bam shiver and he glanced up again. Ville was staring at him with that horribly blank expression that Bam now knew indicated sheer fury in his lover.

“You and...”

“I heard you the first time and I still can't quite believe you said it.” Ville stood up. “You're supposed to trust me.”

“I do,” Bam whispered sorrowfully. This wasn't just fucking up, this was really bad.

Ville snorted. “You trust me? You trust me so much that I can't have a simple conversation with a friend without you thinking I'm cheating on you?”

“No, I just...” Bam trailed off. How did he stop this from getting worse. “I get scared, Ville.”

“Scared of what? Don't I tell you, show you, every day that I love you?” The older boy dragged in a shuddering breath and turned away. “What else am I supposed to do, lock myself away for your pleasure?”

“No!” Bam sighed and stood up, reaching out hesitantly to touch Ville's shoulder. His boyfriend flinched and it tugged hard on Bam's heart. “I'm sorry.”

“Don't tell me you're sorry, tell me what the fuck is going on in your head.”

Bam flinched himself, he hated it when Ville started to swear, it just showed how upset he was.

“I'm scared that I'm not enough for you,” he whispered.

“I mean, how the fuck could you think that I could ever do something like that at all, let alone to you? I keep telling you, you are everything to... what did you say?”

Blinking back tears, Bam repeated himself. “I'm scared I'm not enough for you.”

Ville dropped his head against the door and made a noise of frustration. “Is this about Helsinki again?”

“Partly,” Bam admitted.

“And what else?”

“I'm not... I just don't measure up, Ville.” He'd kept them buried for so long trying to be there for Ville, trying to be everything for Ville, that his own insecurities suddenly overwhelmed him.

“I'm not good enough for you. I'm just some stupid, skater-punk brat and you, you're amazing.”

Ville span round and slapped him, hard. Bam clutched his cheek in utter shock.

“Don't you ever say that again! You are not stupid, you are not just some brat. I love you, you prick! You want to know what's going on with me and Ryan, fine I'll tell you! He's helping me with your birthday present, are you fucking happy now?” Ville was screaming at him by the end and Bam was both worried and ecstatic. It was strange how relief could make you say stupid things.

“So what are you getting me?”

Ville's jaw dropped. “Are you serious?” He stared at Bam in disbelief. “Are you trying to piss me off?”

“No, I just.” Bam stopped and looked down at his feet and gasped. He'd completely forgotten he was naked and he felt suddenly very exposed and vulnerable. He instinctively covered his groin with his hands. “I didn't know what else to say, I always say the wrong fucking thing anyway.”

Ville looked down for a second then glared at him. “Yeah, you do.”

Despite the fact that he didn't want to argue any more, Bam was starting to react defensively, to get annoyed himself. “Fine, I'll just fucking go then.”

“Stop running away every time it gets too hard for you...” Ville still sounded angry and Bam looked up. “Why, Bam, why do you run away?”

“I don't know!” Bam sighed, he was starting to sound as petulant as he was pretty sure he was being. “I don't know Ville, okay? I'm so fucking scared that one of these days I'll do something, say something so fucking stupid that you'll hate me.”

The older boy looked tired, his hair was a little wild where he'd raked his hands through it, eyes dark with anger and hurt, he was pale and tense. Bam sighed.

“I'm sorry, okay?”

“Damn it Bam, you drive me crazy.” He pulled Bam close, leaning back against the wall and letting Bam lean against him. He kissed him hard for a second. “What are you apologising for?”

Bam squinted at Ville in complete confusion. “For thinking that you could...”

“No Bam!”

“But... what?”

“I mean yes, of course you need to apologise for that but that's not what I meant.”

Bam was even more confused. “What?”

“You've got to stop, Bam, stop reacting out of fear, please. When have I ever not forgiven you? When have we ever not made it through once we actually talked? You have to understand; you changed my life. You got under my skin and into my heart and soul, opened me up and let me realise I could love and trust. I would never do something like that to you, do you understand me?”

He nodded and buried his face in Ville's neck.

“I'm sorry,” he breathed. “I love you so much it hurts and sometimes I can't accept that you could feel the same way.”

“Have I ever given you a reason to doubt my feelings?”

“No.”

“Then why do you?”

“I don't know, Ville.” He pulled out of his lover's arms and turned around. Catching sight of himself in the mirror, Bam stared in disgust. He looked like an idiot, covered in paint, naked and pale, shivering because he was cold even though he hadn't noticed. He blinked in realisation. “I don't see anything in me for you to love.”

“Oh my God.”

Bam closed his eyes so he didn't have to see, himself, or the pitying look that must have been in Ville's eyes. He heard the door open and a little piece of his heart just seemed to die right then. Ville was leaving him to his pathetic self-pity and he deserved it.

He looked up into the mirror again and was shocked to see Ville coming back up behind him with a blanket which he wrapped gently round his shoulders. Then he put the toilet lid down and sat on it before drawing Bam onto his lap and into his arms.

“Where is this coming from, Bam?” Ville whispered, his voice choked and so sad that Bam somehow found the strength to look up at his lover.

“You don't understand.”

“No, you're right, I don't understand.” Ville slipped a hand under the blanket and pressed it against his chest, over his heart. “I don't understand at all.”

Bam shut his eyes. “I'm a loser,” he whispered, hearing the jeering, hearing the cold sneering voices in his head, “I'm stupid, I'll never amount to anything.”

“Stop it.”

He wanted to, but he couldn't seem to. “I am nothing, I am less than nothing, I...”

“Bam! You're scaring me.”

“I'm scaring you?” Bam tried not to start laughing because he was afraid that if he did, he might not stop.

“Bam, where is this coming from?”

“I'm a fucking loser, Ville and everyone knows it,” he whispered avoiding the question. “I suck at school, I'm throwing my life away on dreams, I...”

“That's not true, Bam, and that's not you talking.”

“I...”

“No, listen to me. I don't know how many people have put you down or for how long but they're wrong.”

Bam tried again. “Ville...”

“They're wrong, Bam. Do you think Ryan is a loser?”

“No,” he whispered.

“Then why would you think that about yourself?”

“I don't know.”

“Sweetheart.” Ville stopped and sighed. “You're an amazing skater. Everyone has the right to dream of doing what they love. The ones who try and take that away are the ones who let their dreams die.”

Bam smiled ruefully. “What about your dreams, Ville?”

“We're not talking about me right now Bam, you need to know that there is more to you than that.” Ville pressed his hand harder against his chest. “I can feel your heart, my love. Your heart is so big, you are so full of love and warmth and life and God, I don't even know how to tell you.”

Bam leaned in closer, taking comfort in his lover's embrace, burying his face in soft, dark hair and inhaling slowly. Quietly, Ville began to sing to him, holding on tight, fingers gently caressing his chest.

“Just one look into your eyes,
One look and I'm crying,
Cause you're so beautiful...”

Ville's voice was so full of emotion as he sang, so full of love and tenderness, Bam could almost believe him. When it came to an end, he sighed.

“I love you, Ville.”

“I love you too.” Ville eased Bam up and stood, then sat him back down. “Come on sweetheart, let's get you cleaned up.”

Smiling softly, holding the blanket around himself, Bam watched his lover draw him a bath. At Ville's urging, he got into the hot water, sighing as he relaxed. His boyfriend knelt down and put one hand in the water, slowly stroking up and down Bam's chest.

“Thank you,” he whispered, catching Ville's hand for a moment.

“What for?”

“Singing. Everything feels a little better when you sing.”

Ville flushed lightly. “Oh well, I...”

“Really, Ville, it does.”

The older boy just nodded. He got up and grabbed the shampoo off the side.

“Duck your head.”

Bam slid under the water for a moment. It was tempting to stay there, cocooned in warmth, sight and hearing mellowed to a blur. He let out his breath, watching it bubble to the surface, then Ville pulled him up out of the water again.

“I said duck your head not drown yourself.”

“Sorry. Being underwater is comforting in a weird way.”

Ville smiled softly. “I know.” He knelt down again. “Head back sweetheart.”

Bam tipped his head back and sighed happily as his lover slowly massaged shampoo through his curls. Strong fingers rubbed his scalp, sending little pleasurable tingles through his body and Bam shifted in the water as his groin stirred.

Carefully, Ville used the shower head to rinse out his hair, gently carding through it to get out the paint and shampoo. Bam moaned quietly. It felt so good, Ville's touch, his lover taking care of him. His dick hardened, poking up out of the water.

Ville grinned at him and switched off the shower. He leaned over and kissed him, sliding a hand back into the water to stroke over his erection teasingly.

“Ville,” he breathed.

“Mmm?”

Bam opened his eyes to smiling green. “Don't tease me, I need you.”

Ville's hand wrapped round his cock firmly and he sighed, leaning back again, hips thrusting unconsciously. Ville pushed him down with his other hand.

“Hey, just relax, let me take care of you for a change.”

Smiling, Bam nodded. He closed his eyes again, focusing only on Ville's hand, smooth skin stroking over his cock slowly, lovingly. The sound of the water splashing around Ville's fist was strangely hot and Bam started to feel the tension in his groin building to a peak very quickly.

Ville seemed to sense it and tightened his grip, stroking a little harder but not faster. Biting his lip, Bam pushed up again, thrusting into his lover's fist.

“Open your eyes.”

Bam forced his eyelids up and his breath caught in his lungs at the hunger he could see in the darkened green of Ville's eyes.

“Come for me.”

“Oh God.” Bam arched up, body trembling as he came into the water. Ville leaned over him and kissed him hard before sitting back on his heels and tearing open his pants. Bam watched breathlessly as his lover jacked himself with short, fast strokes until he too was coming, hunched over, shuddering, gasping for breath.

“You're so hot when you do that.”

Ville glanced up at him and smiled, breathing in deeply. “Couldn't help it, watching you come turns me on.”

“Good.” Bam grinned. His insecurities, while not just wiped away, had been significantly reassured and he felt better, happier.

He stood up out of the water and climbed out of the bath, kneeling next to his lover. Slipping his hand into dark hair, he pulled Ville into a soft kiss, trying to convey just how much he loved him in the tender press of lips. Ville kissed him back just as softly, cupping his cheek to draw him into a hug.

They held each other close for a long moment until Bam started to feel cold again. Ville got up and handed him a towel before he cleaned himself off and did up his pants.

“Do you want a clean shirt?”

Bam paused in drying off and thought for a moment. “No, I want a dirty one.”

“Bam.” Ville raised an eyebrow at him.

“I'm serious. I have to go home tonight, I want a shirt that smells like you.”

Ville shook his head. “I've told you before, haven't I? You're sweet, but you're so weird.”

“Yep.” Bam grinned and poked his tongue out. Ville disappeared into his room and Bam pulled his boxers and jeans back on, bent over to put his socks and sneakers on and then grabbed his t-shirt before following his lover.

Ville was digging in a pile of clothes.

“Here.” He handed Bam a black shirt and smiled.

Slipping it on, he buttoned it up and sighed. It wasn't his usual style but it was one of his favourites on Ville.

“That looks good on you.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.” He pulled Bam back into his arms. “Do you really have to go home tonight?”

“Yeah, I promised Ape I'd have a family dinner.”

“Okay.” Ville sighed, but smiled softly. “I expect she misses you.”

“Misses me?”

“Well you have been spending a lot of time skating or here.”

“So?”

“Bam, believe it or not your parents love you.”

“I know. I guess I haven't been home much lately.” He sighed quietly. “I miss them too.”

Ville smiled wistfully. “Yeah.”

“Oh man, Ville, I'm sorry.” Bam wrapped his arms round his lover's neck.

“It's okay sweetheart.” Ville pulled back. “Come on, let's go and sit in the garden before you have to go.”

Nodding, Bam took Ville's hand and they headed back outside, sitting in the centre of the heartagram.

@>*~

Far too soon, Bam had to head home. They'd sat in almost total silence together, Bam lying with his head on his lover's lap while Ville played with his hair and sang quietly.

They parted reluctantly with a soft kiss and Bam walked home slowly. He was so lost in thought that he nearly walked into someone.

“Shit, sorry.” Bam looked up and took a step back.

“Son of a bitch.”

Two guys blocked his path. One he recognised from somewhere, the other a stranger.

“Well if it isn't Brandon Margera.”

“Bam,” he corrected automatically.

“Oh I'm sorry, Bam.”

He suddenly remembered where he knew the guy from and frowned. “Torrence, I thought you moved away.”

Torrence shrugged. “I did, but I'm back.”

“What do you want?”

“To finish what my brothers started.”

Bam frowned in confusion. “Brothers?”

The one he didn't recognise took a threatening step forwards and Bam clenched his fists.

“They were supposed to make sure you never skated again. But now they're in jail and you're still walking.”

“What?!” Bam exclaimed. “Man, are you still hung up on what happened?”

“Hung up on it? Hung up on it? You fucking ruined my life!”

Bam shook his head. “Not my fault you couldn't skate for shit.”

“You fucking asshole!” Torrence leapt on him and knocked him to the ground. “I can't skate at all now,” he yelled, punching Bam in the face.

Bam grunted in pain and lashed out but the other guy dragged him to his feet and threw him against a wall. Torrence punched him in the gut and Bam bent over, gasping.

“I didn't make you take that jump man.”

“Shut up!”

“Hey! Get the fuck off him.”

Bam looked up to see Torrence and the other guy backing off rapidly.

“You okay cherry?”

Grimacing, Bam turned his head to see Nathan and two other men standing next to him.

“My name is not cherry.”

“You're welcome.” Nathan put his hands on his hips and pouted.

Bam sighed. “Thanks.”

“Hey, got to look out for our own.” Nathan smirked at him. “What was that all about?”

“Just my past kicking my ass.” Bam straightened and rubbed his jaw gingerly. Ville was going to be pissed when he saw the bruise he knew was going to get.

“Come on, we'll take you home.”

“I'm fine.”

“No, you're not.” Nathan shook his head. “Look we've all been there, don't worry about it.”

“Okay, thanks.” He pushed himself away from the wall and started to walk again. Nathan fell into step next to him, the two other guys behind them.

“You and pretty boy still together?”

Bam scowled. “Yes and don't call him that.”

“You're cute when you're pissy.”

“Would you give it a rest?”

“Touchy.” Nathan chuckled at him.

“Are you ever serious?”

“Not really. Waste of time if you ask me.”

Bam glanced at the blond, frowning. “Waste of time?”

“Yeah, life's too short and all that crap.” Nathan shrugged. “You gotta lighten up kid.”

“Would you just call me Bam? I'm not a cherry and I'm not a kid.”

“Not a cherry huh? My haven't we grown up?”

Bam flushed. “Shut up.”

“Fine, I'll stop teasing you.”

“Do what you want, I'm home.” Bam stopped outside his house and looked down at his feet. “Thanks.”

“Hey, you're welcome. Try and stay out of trouble okay?”

Bam snorted. “Right.” He watched the three men walk away then turned to go inside, bracing himself for the inevitable reaction.

As soon as he walked into the kitchen, Ape and Phil stared at him.

“Bam, what on earth?”

He sat down with a sigh, pulling away when Ape tried to look at his face. “I got jumped.”

“Again? Oh Bam.”

“Maybe coming out so publically wasn't such a good idea.”

Bam glared at his father. “I didn't know Rake was going to be a dick and tell everyone, did I? Besides, it had nothing to do with being gay, okay?”

“Really?”

“Really.”

“Then what?”

Bam stared at the table. Hard.

“Man what happened to your face?” Jess whacked his shoulder as he walked past.

“You remember Chris Torrence?” Bam looked up again and Jess frowned at him.

“That weird kid that used to try and skate with you guys?”

“Yeah.”

“What about him? Didn't he have a nasty accident or something?”

“Yeah. He was being a dick, trying to prove he was better than us. Shattered his knees.”

“Ouch. So what's that got to do with you?”

“Bam, what's going on?”

“Apparently he blames me for ruining his life and now he's trying to ruin mine.”

“What?” Phil frowned at him. “Did you have anything to do with his accident?”

“No way, Phil.” He glared at his father. “I was the one who told him not to do it because he wasn't good enough.”

“B. the guy was a skinny little runt, are you telling me you couldn't take him?”

“He's not so skinny now, Jess and I think he's in a gang.”

Ape gasped. “A gang?”

“Yeah.”

“Why do you think that?”

Bam shrugged at his father. “He said the guys who jumped me last month were supposed to stop me from being able to skate again, he called them his brothers. What else am I going to think?”

“Why couldn't I have normal kids?” Ape wrapped him in a hug. “It would be nice not to be scared that you might not come back every time you leave the house.”

“I'm sorry, Ape.” He patted his mother's arm with a quiet sigh.

“I know, honey, I know.”

“We should go to the police about this.”

“Phil...”

“No, Bam, this is ridiculous. I'm going to call them right now.” Phil heaved himself out of his chair with a grunt and called the local PD.

A little while later, two cops came round and took a statement from Bam. He told them what had happened and where they could find Nathan for a witness.

After dinner, he went and hid in his room, switching on his computer in the hope that Ville was online so they could talk.

RazorbladeKiss: How was dinner?

SkaterBam: fine

RazorbladeKiss: Bam?

RazorbladeKiss: You ok?

SkaterBam: Not really

RazorbladeKiss: What's wrong?

SkaterBam: Ran into an old 'friend'

RazorbladeKiss: Bam

SkaterBam: I know why those guys

SkaterBam: beat the crap out of me before

RazorbladeKiss: What?

SkaterBam: my own fault naturally

RazorbladeKiss: Bam don't say that

Bam stared at the screen. He felt completely miserable. He didn't want to be home, he wanted to be with his lover.

RazorbladeKiss: Bam?

RazorbladeKiss: Bam! Talk to me

SkaterBam: sorry

SkaterBam: I just

He put his head on the desk and closed his eyes trying to remember the song that Ville had sung to him earlier. Finally, he lifted his head again and typed quickly.

SkaterBam: sorry

RazorbladeKiss has signed off

SkaterBam: Ville?

RazorbladeKiss has signed off

“Shit.” He logged off feeling totally dejected and went to lie on his bed, wrapping his arms round himself. He closed his eyes.

@>*~

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VamRPS

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