Tears pricked his eyes as he watched Bam collapse down to the floor, sobbing desperately and Ville drop down next to him to hug him close. He wanted to go to his friends but he knew they needed to be alone. Bam had finally reached breaking point and it was his husband he needed not his friends.
Turning, Ryan joined the queue of friends and family filing discretely out of the funeral parlour. He caught sight of blond dreadlocks and his heart flipped painfully. He hung back a little, wondering if he could deal with the wake and facing Linde for the first time in three years.
"Dude, you coming?" Jess asked him.
"Maybe in a bit, I think I might go home and grab a shower first, I feel a bit..."
"Yeah," Jess sighed. "Okay, later."
He made his way back to the mansion, pulling his tie loose as he climbed the stairs and headed straight into the bathroom. Stripping off, he slid under the spray with a sigh.
Knowing Linde was so close was affecting him more than he'd expected despite the fact that he never had got over the older man, no matter what he'd told Bam and Ville.
None of the others had ever found out, not even when he'd had a beautiful, big lily tattooed on the side of his ribs. Since they'd broken up, he'd never heard anyone call Linde by his more feminine nickname, so the guys were not aware of who or what the tattoo represented.
Drying off, he quickly scrubbed at his hair and beard before wrapping the towel round his waist, making his way slowly to his room, rubbing at drips of water trailing down the back of his neck.
He opened the door, stepped inside and froze. Two things hit him at once. First, he wasn't alone and second, he knew the scent that washed over him, clutching his heart and stirring his groin. Turning slowly, he met blue-grey eyes that were wide with shock and stared. His heart was pounding, he felt breathless, speechless, hopeless and yet... Linde didn't move, stared at him, mouth slowly opening. Pink tongue flicked out over perfect lips and Ryan groaned.
"Lily," he whispered.
And suddenly, the older man was up, across the room and in front of him, one hand sliding round the back of his neck, the other ripping his towel from his hips.
Their bodies collided just before their mouths and he groaned at the long missed, somehow still so familiar feel of long, lean body and soft lips against him. Linde's tongue pushed into his mouth and his sweet taste exploded on his tongue, hardening his cock and making his belly flutter. He hadn't felt anything even close to this heat, this lust and need since they'd broken up. Nobody had ever come close to replacing the older man in his heart and seeing him again, feeling him again, was overwhelming sense and sanity.
He kissed Linde back hard, wrenching his shirt open and sliding his hands over soft, smooth skin. Yanking the older man closer, he rubbed his cock into his groin, hard and urgent. Linde moaned, sucking on his lips and tongue, dragging him back towards the bed, fingers digging into his hips.
Hitting the bed, Linde sat down, still grasping his hips, and looked up at him for a second.
"Linde," he breathed, starting to wonder what the hell they were thinking. Then Linde leaned forward and licked his cock, sucking the head straight into his mouth.
Pleasure blazed through his nerves and he groaned, trying not to thrust into the blond's mouth. "Oh fuck," he gasped, clutching long dreads, need and want taking him over. He felt empty, he felt the lack of his former lover, what he'd missed for over three years. "Fuck me," he whispered.
Limde pulled back and stared up at him again, eyes dark and heated. He swung Ryan round and onto the bed and stood up, stripping off his clothes. He was as gorgeous as he remembered, pale, slender, his beautiful, big, hard cock dripping already.
Ryan reached out and pulled the older man down on top of him. They kissed again, hard and panting, mouths open, breath shared as they moved and writhed and rubbed together. He touched as much smooth skin as he could reach, clutching, urging Linde on. Pleasure rippled through him in waves and he ached to feel the older man inside him.
"Lily," he breathed.
Rearing back, Linde reached over the side of the bed and grabbed a tube, quickly slicking gel over his cock, panting harshly. Ryan shivered with lust and need. He'd almost forgotten how hot it was watching the blond touch himself.
Moving over him, Linde pushed one of his legs right back, leaning against him. Slick cock rubbed over the entrance to his body, making his own cock jerk needily, then the older man bent to kiss him, slamming hard into his body. His mouth muffled his scream, pain tearing into him, increasing the intensity of the ecstacy of being filled with hot, hard cock.
"Okay?" Linde murmured.
"Yes, fuck me," he replied, wrapping his other leg round slim hips and clenching down hard.
"Oh fuck," Linde gasped, hips rolling back, cock sliding out of his body, making him shiver. Then he plunged forward again, thrusting hard into his ass, hand reaching down to clasp his hip and haul him up. The stretch, the burn, the heat felt so good, so familiar, so missed.
He thrust up into every stroke, tugging hard at the older man as they moved together faster, Linde plunging deeper, their bodies slapping together loudly. Heat and tension tightened his groin until he felt like he was going to explode. Reaching between their bodies, he fisted his cock and kissed the older man desperately.
"Come on," Linde panted into his mouth. "Come for me."
Crying out softly, Ryan jerked up, shuddering with pleasure, shooting over hand and stomach, his ass clenching down hard round the cock impaling him.
"Oh yes!" Linde bucked into him hard again and again then shook over him, heat spreading through his ass. He moved Ryan's leg and collapsed down on top of him.
Hesitantly, Ryan wrapped his arms round the blond and stroked his hair gently. Now the passion and need had been slaked, he was starting to feel nervous and uncertain. What were they going to say to each other?
Slowly, Linde raised his head to look down at him. He looked just as nervous and all Ryan could do was gently touch his cheek, lift his head and kiss him. The blond whimpered softly, kissing back for a moment before tugging at his beard.He dropped his head back and smiled ruefully.
"Hi," he said.
Huffing out a quiet laugh, Linde almost smiled back. "Hey," he murmured. "I, uh, well I didn't expect this."
Ryan twisted his mouth. "I kinda didn't expect to see you at all."
"You were avoiding me."
"Yeah," he admitted softly.
"Yeah, me too," Linde sighed. He eased back with a quiet groan and rolled onto his side. Ryan rolled over to face him and propped his head on his arm.
"I didn't really know... I mean, I was such a dick..."
"Don't," Linde said softly, putting a finger against his lips. "I was too after all."
"That was," Ryan sighed, kissing his finger and moving it away from his mouth. "I mean, this is..."
"I know. I didn't mean to ambush you like that," Linde said, flushing bright red. "But you were almost naked and then you..."
"Said Lily?" Ryan said, smiling again.
"Yeah." Linde lifted his hand again and gently traced over the tattoo on his ribs. "And seeing this, I..."
Ryan shrugged. He didn't really want to explain the tattoo, didn't want to say he had loved him when he still loved him but he didn't want to admit to the blond that he'd never stopped loving him when he didn't know how Linde felt about anything.
"I missed you, I," Linde stopped and swallowed hard. "I miss you."
"Me too," Ryan said quietly stroking one of Linde's dreads and tugging him forward into another kiss, tasting his mouth slowly. The blond moaned quietly then pulled back, still stroking his tattoo.
"Is it..."
"Of course it is," Ryan said quietly. "You were... are..." He stopped with a sigh. This was too fast, maybe he hadn't ever stopped loving the older man, maybe they had just had unbelievably good sex but they hadn't even seen each other for over three years and they'd changed. He couldn't just offer his heart again the way he desperately wanted to especially without talking seriously.
"Sorry."
"Don't be, I was so... stupid," Linde said softly.
"You?" Ryan snorted. "No. Lin', I was the stupid one. Really stupid."
"Ryan?" Linde looked down, focusing on his tattoo.
"Yeah?"
"If I hadn't, well, hadn't messed up, do you think, would you maybe have..." Linde stopped and snorted, shaking his head. "I'm making no sense."
"Yes you are," Ryan said softly. "I wanted to be with you, you know?"
"Yeah."
"But I was, I don't know, too young, too scared. Too overwhelmed. I didn't know how to deal with how much..." He stopped abruptly, his cheeks heating up.
"How much you..." Linde paused, breath hitching, eyes wide. "You loved me?"
His heart was pounding worriedly, fearfully but slowly, he nodded. "Yeah."
"Oh." The older man blinked at him, eyes shining. Linde was about to speak when suddenly 'Join Me in Death' started to play. "Shit, that's my phone, sorry."
"That's okay." He lay back while the blond rolled over and dug in his clothes for his cell.
"Terve?" Linde said softly. "Manna?" He spoke rapidly in Finnish, going very pale and gesturing wildly. Then suddenly he went very quiet, murmuring softly and nodding until he finally hung up. "Fuck."
"Lin'?"
"Oh fuck."
Ryan frowned. "Lin' what is it?"
"I..." Linde turned his head and stared at him wide-eyed. "I'm going to have a baby."
Ryan scrambled back and off the bed in a split second, overwhelmed by so many thoughts and emotions that he couldn't even see straight for a moment.
"Ryan, I..."
Everything snapped back into focus and he dragged on some clean clothes hurriedly.
"Ryan, this isn't..."
"You bastard," he whispered.
Linde blanched. "What?"
"I actually thought..." Ryan swallowed bitterly. He felt used and betrayed, stupid and dirty. The older man had manipulated him. His temper exploded.
"Ryan," Linde started again.
"Who's a convenient fuck now?"
Inhaling sharply, Linde shook his head, moving right back against the wall and curling up. "You really think I..."
"I don't know," he spat, "I don't even know you! You got a girl pregnant?" He stopped and gasped. "Oh my God, you fucked me without a condom."
"Ryan, please listen..."
"You son of a bitch!" he yelled. "You stay away from me, you understand? I never, ever want to see you again."
"Ryan please," Linde whispered, eyes shining. "Please don't do this to me again."
"To you?" Ryan laughed bitterly. The blond had cheated on some poor girl with him, a girl who was going to have his baby, and he was hurting Linde? "Fuck you." He stormed towards the door.
"Don't you walk out on me again you asshole, don't you dare," Linde screamed at him. "Don't... Ryan, don't leave me like this again," he whispered, voice choked with tears.Ryan stood in front of the door and sagged, his anger leaving him with nothing but pain. Even if he could believe that the older man really wanted him to stay, that maybe his feelings were still returned, that wasn't enough reason to break up a family.
Linde had a girlfriend. Linde was going to be a father. And a kid needed a father, he couldn't do what had been done to him.
He put his hand on the door handle, feeling his heart break all over again when he heard Linde burst into tears behind him. But there was no other option for him now. He opened the door and walked away from the love of his life for a second time, willingly ripping his heart out to do what was best for the man he loved.
end