Bam screamed, pain and desperation and an urgent need to puke waking him, flailing frantically against restraining hands.
"Bam... Bam! Wake up!"
Biting back a whimper, Bam stared up at Tosh, remembering where he was, and burst into tears.
"Dude," Tosh said, looking distinctly nervous.
Shaking uncontrollably, Bam grabbed his cell and ran into the bathroom, locking the door before he collapsed over the toilet bowl, throwing up until his chest hurt, his throat burned and his eyes were stinging. He couldn't seem to stop crying but thankfully he had home on speed-dial so he didn't need to see the keypad of his phone.
"'lo?" Ville murmured sleepily.
"V-V-Ville," he sobbed.
"Bam? Darling what is it? What's wrong?"
"I c-can't... shit..." He stopped, taking a deep breath, far too close to hysteria for comfort.
"Sweetheart calm down, tell me what's wrong, please." Ville sounded frantic and Bam managed to control himself a little better.
"You're okay aren't you Ville? Tell me you're okay!"
"Apart from not being with you of course I am. Please Bam, what's wrong?"
"I had... oh God Ville, I had the worst nightmare." He stopped again, breath hitching as he remembered the dream. "Oh God I feel sick." Swallowing hard, he leaned over the sink and splashed his face.
"Oh my love," Ville whispered hoarsely, sounding like he was crying himself. "It's times like this I really hate us being apart. Talk to me Bam, I need to know why you're so upset."
"No," Bam said softly, trying not to cry again.
"Darling..."
"Ville, I don't know if I can, it's just too... fuck baby, I need you here, I miss you."
"I know my love, I miss you too. Please talk to me."
"I can't please baby, it's just too..." His breath hitched again and he shook his head. "I need to get into bed. Baby, will you sing for me?"
"Of course I will, what would you like me to sing?"
Bam unlocked the bathroom door and peered out. Tosh was asleep already but the clock was flashing four o'clock so it wasn't surprising. He snuck back over to his bed. "Our wedding song Ville."
"Oh darling," Ville breathed. He hummed softly for a moment then started to sing. Bam lay back on his bed, burrowing under the covers, closing his eyes to listen, his husband's voice soothing the pain, helping him push away the horrible pictures in his head from the nightmare.
"I love you, Ville," he murmured as the song finished.
"I love you too, Bam. Do you think you'll be able to sleep now?"
"I don't know baby, I never sleep very well without you," he sighed.
"No love, me neither. It's such a long one this time."
"I know baby, it's killing me. I guess it's one month down and two to go but it fucking sucks."
"I miss you Bam, I miss you so much and I'm worried about you."
"Don't worry baby, I'll be okay."
"I'd worry less if you told me what upset you so much."
Bam cringed. "I can't baby," he whispered. "Please don't make me."
"Make you? Darling, I don't want to make you do anything."
"I know, I'm sorry. It's just too much right now, I don't want to think about it. It's too painful to deal with if you're not with me. Hearing your voice helps me feel better, honey."
"Honey? Dude, you're such a sap, you know that?"
Glancing over at his roommate, he grimaced. "Sorry Tosh, did I wake you again?"
"Yeah but it's cool. You okay?"
"I don't know."
"Darling, maybe I should go."
"I guess," Bam sighed. "Mä rakastan sua, kulta."
"I love you too Bam, try and sleep okay?"
"Okay."
"Goodnight my darling."
Hanging up reluctantly, Bam rolled over, hugging his pillow tightly. He didn't want to sleep, didn't want to risk dreaming again.
"You okay Bam?"
"Not really but I'll deal."
"How long till you see him again?"
"Two months."
"Oh man, I'm sorry."
"Yeah, me too."
@>*~
After the morning's skating and fending off a multitude of questions from almost everyone about why he was so subdued, Bam let Tosh, Tim O'Conner, Kenny Getz and Mike Vallely take him back to the hotel to hide out in the lounge for a while. He sat quietly with a bottle of water, smiling mildly at the banter and raucous laughter of the others as they drank a few too many beers.
Something suddenly straightened his spine, a feeling of pressure on his shoulders that usually only meant one thing. Hope filled his heart and he turned slowly. Green eyes, soft with love, concern and fatigue met his gaze and he couldn't quite hold back a cry, leaping to his feet as his friends descended into stunned silence.
"Ville," he breathed, racing over to his lover, stopping abruptly just in front of him, disbelief filling him for a moment as he reached out to make sure he was real. Ville raised his eyebrows and Bam jumped at him, wrapping his arms round him and holding on tightly. "Baby," he gasped.
"Darling, easy... Bam, I need to breathe."
"Sorry," Bam said, easing his grip reluctantly and looking at his lover. "I can't believe you're really here."
"How could I stay away?" Ville said softly, cupping his cheek. "You had me so worried, I couldn't wait another two months to see you ."
"I missed you so much," Bam whispered, leaning up to kiss his lover a little desperately, needing the reassurance of taste and touch. He only stopped when someone cleared their throat loudly behind him. "Shit," he murmured, pulling away and turning to see his friends staring at them. "Um right, Ville, you know Tosh, this is Tim, Kenny and Vallely. Guys, this is my husband, Ville."
"Bam," Ville sighed as four jaws dropped.
"What?" Bam asked, a little confused.
"Husband? As in married?"
Realising what he'd said, Bam winced. "I'm sorry baby, it was automatic." Ville smiled softly at him.
"Dude, did you seriously say husband?"
"Uh yeah," Bam said slowly.
"How is that possible?"
"Why didn't you tell me?" Tosh asked, looking hurt.
"We haven't really told anyone except family and our oldest friends, I'm sorry man."
"Dude, that still doesn't explain how you could be married," O'Conner said.
"Yeah," Vallely agreed.
"Gay marriage is legal in Finland."
"Oh is that why you live in Finland?"
"We live in Finland because we're Finnish," Bam said softly, smiling when Ville made a quiet noise and slipped an arm round his waist to squeeze him tightly.
"I... huh? But you have a US passport man."
"With Finnish citizenship."
"You take his name too?" O'Conner snorted.
"Yeah."
"Oh." Tim shifted, looking embarrassed.
"Really?" Vallely asked.
"Yeah man," Bam smiled. "The name's Valo, Bam Valo."
Ville chuckled quietly and kissed the top of his head. "It's very nice to meet you all and I'm sorry to be rude but I haven't seen Bam for a month. Tosh, do you mind if we take over the room?"
"Sure man, I can crash wherever. How long are you here for?"
"A couple of days, the band goes back on tour next week."
"Awesome."
"Bam, you're married to a musician?"
Bam smiled proudly. "A rock star."
"Darling, not quite," Ville laughed.
"Okay maybe not quite but not long till you are baby."
"I love your faith in me sweetheart but give it some time, okay?" Ville said, cupping his cheek and kissing him softly. Bam kissed back for a moment, moaning quietly at the feel of his lover's tongue demanding entrance.
"Easy guys, we're in public here."
Easing back, Bam glanced at O'Conner and made a rude noise. "So?"
"So not everyone's as nice as we are," Vallely said quietly.
"I know man, I just don't care," he replied, clinging to his husband tightly.
"Maybe you should," Vallely said, pressing his lips together and frowning. "At least be more careful."
"Sorry man." Bam patted his arm. "It's hard for us when we've been apart so long."
Mike's expression softened. "So go take over the room, guys, we'll see you in the morning."
"You'll be okay Tosh?" Bam asked, wanting to double check.
"Bam man, after last night I'm glad Ville's here," Tosh said softly. "I'll grab my stuff later, just go."
"Thanks guys, I'll see you." He slid out of his lover's embrace and took his hand. "Come on baby." He led Ville to the elevator, sobered by the reminder of the previous night. Knowing his husband would want to know about his nightmare was making him feel tense and Ville must have realised because he was quiet, just gently rubbing his shoulder until they reached the room where they could shut out the real world and absorb themselves in each other.
Ville dropped his backpack on the floor and took off his jacket before drawing him into his arms for a tight hug with a deep sigh. "Oh my love," he murmured. "How are you?"
"Better with you here baby," Bam said, resting his head on his lover's shoulder and hugging him back just as tightly.
"You know I want you to talk."
"I know." He kissed Ville's neck and pulled away to look into loving eyes. "Can we snuggle first?"
"Of course my love."
They automatically stripped down to their boxers and Ville lay down, holding his arms open. Breath hitching quietly, Bam crawled onto the bed to curl up in his lover's embrace.
"Hmm, my love," Ville murmured. "It feels so good to have you in my arms again, feel your skin warm against mine." Fingers smoothed over his back gently and Bam bit back a moan, skin tingling under his lover's touch. He knew he could probably distract Ville from the subject of his nightmare but it would only delay things and might even annoy his lover. When Ville was worried about him, his protective anger sometimes even focused on Bam. Although mostly it was entirely justified because he did bring a lot of trouble on himself.
"Missed this," he agreed, stroking the soft, pale skin on the inside of his lover's forearm. "Missed you so bad baby." He tilted his head up unable to resist stealing a gentle kiss, tasting his lover with a soft sigh.
"Darling," Ville murmured, easing back. "Talk to me, please? Hearing you so upset last night just broke my heart."
"Oh honey," Bam said quietly, his chest tightening with sorrow. "I'm sorry it was just so... so fucking horrible. I was, you were..."
"Just tell me," Ville whispered, stroking his hair gently.
"I had this dream that I'd never met you." Bam buried his face in Ville's neck, clinging to his lover desperately. "I was this drunken, partying asshole. I was shitty to people and a total slut like some dickhead fratboy, fucking any guy, never using protection and not caring, probably spreading HIV."
Ville tensed, tightening his grip around him. "Darling, I don't believe you could ever have turned into a slut. Remember your dream, you just wanted someone to love."
"Yeah but in the nightmare, I never found you and you're my one and only baby."
"Oh my love," Ville whispered.
"Not finding you left me bitter, twisted me, which was why I was an asshole, why I didn't care."
"I still don't believe that sweetheart. Even if we'd never met, you would have never turned out like that." Ville was beginning to sound upset. "Your heart is too big, too beautiful."
"Baby..."
"No love, I'm serious, you haven't got the capacity to be an uncaring asshole, okay?"
Bam sighed. His heart hurt from the pain he could hear in his lover's voice. "Okay," he said softly. "But that wasn't the worst bit."
"Go on."
"The worst part was... oh fuck Ville..." The vividness of his horrendous nightmare struck him again, tearing at his heart and squeezing his chest until he couldn't breathe.
"Oh God, Bam," Ville gasped, holding him gently and rubbing his back. "Please, Bam darling, it's going to be okay, do you understand me?"
Bam laughed a little hysterically. "I just... I just... Ville please, I don't want to tell you, I don't want you to know." He couldn't stop the tears, crying onto his lover's bare shoulder.
"You need to darling, don't bury it or it'll get worse," Ville whispered.
"It was Tavastia all over again," Bam managed, barely a whisper making it out of his mouth. Even though they'd been to the club many times since the attack, he knew Ville understood by the sudden tension in the long body wrapped round him.
"Except it was me," Bam had to stop again, face crumpling, swallowing back bile. "I had some poor bum over a crate, begging for me to stop as I tore at his clothes and I ignored it, I didn't care and then... and then..."
"Tell me," Ville said softly.
"He managed to push up and look round and it... oh God baby, it was you." Tears overwhelmed him again and he clutched at his lover terrified by Ville's lack of reaction. "I'm so sorry," he sobbed.
"My dearest love," Ville sighed. "You mustn't be sorry. I know you, you could never be like him, you could never hurt anyone like he did, no matter what the circumstances, Bam. I need you to believe that."
"I... I don't know Ville. I just can't get it out of my head. I can't stop seeing your face, your eyes. Your eyes so fucking full of terror."
"Look at me," Ville whispered. Forcing himself to look up, Bam met his lover's gaze. Emerald green reflected his despairing expression back at him.
"It's not you darling, it's not who you are and you will only ever see love in my eyes because I love you. I love the gorgeous, generous, sweet, kind man you are." Cupping his cheek gently, Ville kissed him, tongue sliding slowly over his lips then in between them, a soft possession that made him want to cry all over again.
"Oh God baby, I can't do this, I can't be away from you for so long, I just can't," he whispered desperately.
"Darling don't say that."
"But this is killing me."
"I know Bam, I feel like that every second we're apart but..."
"But what?" Bam demanded. "Wouldn't you rather we were together all the time?"
"Of course I would but sweetheart, you wouldn't be completely happy without skating," Ville sighed, stroking his hair gently.
"I wouldn't have to give up skating though."
"Do you really think that would be enough?"
"Yes... no... I don't know," Bam whined softly.
"Don't let this dream scare you my love, don't worry about hurting me. Giving up your dreams would hurt me more because I love you. I can survive being apart from you if I know you're following your dreams Bam and I know you feel the same way."
Swallowing hard, he looked up at his husband and nodded. "I do, of course I do. All I ever wanted was for you to be happy. I just get scared because I feel like I'm deserting you. We're apart for so long, so fucking long."
"I know my love. Do you feel like I'm deserting you going on tour?"
"Of course not, baby, I'm happy for you because I know you're doing what..." Bam paused, smiling at his lover as realisation dawned. "Doing what you love. Okay Ville, I get it. It's just that being away from you..."
"I know Bam, I know how you feel because I feel it too. But I love you too much to let you give up on your dreams, even for me. I'll survive and I know you're strong enough to survive too."
"You really think so?" Bam said hesitantly. He didn't feel very strong at that moment. He just wanted to hold tight to his husband and never let go.
"I know so darling, because I know how brave you are."
"Oh baby, I don't deserve you."
Ville caught his chin and stared at him seriously. "Yes, you do."
Bam dropped his gaze.
"Darling, I want you to say it."
"Say what?" he asked, looking up again.
"That you deserve me, that you're not scared and that you won't give up on your dreams, or on me."
"Oh God never baby, I'll never give up on you, you know that."
"I know." Ville smiled softly. "Say the rest."
Closing his eyes and smiling, Bam nodded. "I deserve you, I'm not scared and I promise I won't give up on my dreams." He opened his eyes to meet loving green. "As long as you promise the same."
"I promise sweetheart." Ville stroked his hair and kissed his forehead. "I love you, so much."
"I love you too."
"Are you feeling better now?"
"Yeah baby, just don't let me go for a while okay?"
"I won't Bam, any excuse to have you in my arms, you know that."
Bam nodded and smiled, kissing the tip of his lover's nose before burying his face in his neck again and holding on. He would hold on forever and it would be okay.
end