Disclaimer: I know none of these people, this isn't real, just my imagination working overtime
I may not be the brightest spark but I'm really not as stupid as they think I am. It hurt me the first time I realised what was going on. But only that first time.
I'd got wasted as usual, maybe even had a few lines, I don't really remember, I must have passed out on one of Ville's hotel beds. Again, as usual. It wasn't unusual for me to pass out and wake up the next morning alone while Ville slept in the other bed with Bam, I accepted that because they could drink a lot more than me before passing out and would stay up for hours talking. Until this one day.
I woke up to the sound of giggling. Which again wasn't unusual, I just smiled and turned over, trying to get back to sleep. What was weird this time was the sudden silence. Some instinct made me stay completely still and I breathed slowly, feigning sleep.
“Maybe we shouldn't.” I heard Bam whisper.
“Don't be ridiculous, she's out cold, Bammie.” Ville whispered back.
“It sounded like she was waking up.”
“When has she ever woken up?” Ville murmured, his voice muffled slightly.
“God Ville...” Bam's voice was strained and the temptation to open my eyes to see what was going on was almost overwhelming, then he spoke again and I didn't have to. “Yes baby, oh God harder.”
I didn't know what to do. Bearing in mind I was very drunk and a little high I was confused. I didn't say anything, I didn't move, I listened to them whisper and pant and moan all the while feeling hurt and betrayed and completely uncertain. When the bed started to creak, I opened my eyes, just a crack and almost forgot I was supposed to be asleep.
It was an amazing sight, not something I'd have expected to turn me on. It was two guys fucking for a start and one of them was supposed to be my fiancé, the other supposedly my friend, but it did. Watching Bam sitting on top of Ville, riding a cock that I certainly never got to see hard, his own erection in Ville's fist as he rubbed quickly, was one of the hottest things I'd ever seen and that was even more of a bitter pill to swallow.
Ville had told me from the start that he couldn't get it up, because of the smoking and drinking, but he had such talented fingers and tongue that I really didn't care. But that wasn't it at all, he just couldn't get it up for me.
I wondered if it had been going on for as long as that, wondered exactly what he was doing with me if he was fucking Bam. Why had he proposed?
I watched them until they came and Bam collapsed down on top of Ville's lanky body, then closed my eyes again.
“God Ville, why do we do this?” Bam whispered. “Why can't we...”
“Hush love, you know why,” Ville said softly.
“But I love you and I miss you so goddamned much all the time.”
“I know sweetheart, I love you so much, so much damn it but you know what would happen.”
“It's not fair.”
“I know my love, hush now, don't get upset.”
The bed creaked with the weight of them shifting and I opened my eyes to a slit. Ville had pulled Bam down next to him and was holding him tightly, one hand buried in his hair. He started to sing softly, one of my favourite songs, Beautiful, and as he sang, the passion, the love in his voice was so intense I just wanted to cry as it suddenly occurred to me that Ville wasn't cheating on me with Bam, he was cheating on Bam with me.
Since then I've watched them many times but when I can I try and leave them on their own. They don't get to see each other as much as I know they both crave to. They still think I don't know and for now I'm happy with that. If Ville being engaged to me helps the band then I'm happy to help but I won't marry him. We don't even pretend to have sex now. I know he was a little confused at first but the subsequent relief that was far too obvious was a little painful. I punished him for that by kissing a friend. It got into the papers. We fought about it and I nearly told him that I knew but I must confess I quite like knowing something that they don't know I know.
I love him you see.
end